DENVER (The Borowitz Report) – Exit polls from last night’s Republican contests reveal that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney’s key obstacle to gaining the GOP nomination is the fact that voters cannot stand him.
According to Davis Logsdon, who conducted the polls for the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, “Despite his superb organization, funding, and ground game, Mitt Romney is having trouble overcoming the perception among voters that he is a ginormous dick.”
Mr. Logsdon said that these obstacles “could prove fatal to his historic bid to become the nation’s first openly assholic President.”
Exit polls taken last night bear out that theory, with a majority of voters agreeing with the statement, “I think Mitt Romney is so odious, I would rather vote for a random doofus I’ve never heard of who goes around in sweater vests.”
The beneficiary of that sentiment last night was former Sen. Rick Santorum, who told supporters at a victory rally in Missouri, “I support the rights of the unborn child until it’s born and wants a gay marriage.”
Speaking to supporters in Denver, Mr. Romney uttered what some political experts are calling a possible gaffe: “I don’t care about all the people who didn’t vote for me. They just envy my massive wealth. And poor people? They can curl up and die, and I won’t lose a wink of sleep. I bet you a million crisp dollars from my vault in Geneva.” GET A FREE SUBSCRIPTION TO THE BOROWITZ REPORT
February 21, 2012 at 8:00pm
Andy will give a free performance at the Students’ Building of Vassar College. The event is free and open to the public on a first-come, first-served basis. No tickets required.
Location:
Vassar College, Students' Bldg. 2nd Floor, 124 Raymond Ave., Poughkeepsie, NY 12604
For tickets go to Borowitz at Vassar
February 28, 2012 at 7:30pm
In his only scheduled West Coast show, Andy appears in conversation with Patton Oswalt.
Location:
Saban Theater, 8440 Wilshire Blvd, Beverly Hills, CA 90211
For tickets go to Borowitz in LA
April 3, 2012 at 6:00pm
Andy will perform a special show at the Mark Twain Boyhood Home and Museum in Hannibal, MO. Afterwards he’ll be signing copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.
Location:
120 N. Main St., Hannibal, MO 63401
For tickets go to Andy Borowitz at Mark Twain's House
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