A Clarification from Mitt Romney

About Poor People


LA JOLLA, CA (The Borowitz Report) – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today released the following letter to the American people:

Dear American People:

Yesterday, comments I made about poor people made me look terrible.  This always seems to happen when I say what I really believe.

The fact is, I do care about poor people.  That’s because I’m poor myself, when you compare me to Mark Zuckerberg.

According to most projections, Facebook’s IPO should net Mr. Zuckerberg a personal fortune of $28 billion.  I couldn’t make a pile of dough-re-mi like that even if I fired people twenty-four hours a day.

Now, let’s take a look at Mitt Romney’s net worth: a measly $200 million.  Now do you see why I consider myself poor?  Compared to Mark Zuckerberg, Mitt Romney is practically a crack whore.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and envy a rich person like Mark Zuckerberg.  That’s exactly what President Obama wants poor people like me to do.  Mark Zuckerberg made his money fair and square, by creating useful products like imaginary sheep and angry birds.  Say what you will about Facebook, it has totally revolutionized the way we waste our lives.

The fact is, if you’re poor in America, you should do what Mark Zuckerberg did: create a social network.  I’ve just started my own, called TwoFaceBook.  With TwoFaceBook, your profile doesn’t stay the same for more than two seconds.

In closing, there’s one more reason I don’t worry about poor people.  They have Groupons.

Vote for me,

Mitt Romney

Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox for free here.

Upcoming Events

February 21, 2012 at 8:00pm

Vassar – Free Show!

Andy will give a free performance at the Students’ Building of Vassar College.  The event is free and open to the public on a first-come, first-served basis.  No tickets required.

Location:
Vassar College, Students' Bldg. 2nd Floor, 124 Raymond Ave., Poughkeepsie, NY 12604
For tickets go to Borowitz at Vassar

February 28, 2012 at 7:30pm

Los Angeles!

In his only scheduled West Coast show, Andy appears in conversation with Patton Oswalt.

Location:
Saban Theater, 8440 Wilshire Blvd, Beverly Hills, CA 90211
For tickets go to Borowitz in LA

April 3, 2012 at 6:00pm

Mark Twain’s House!

Andy will perform a special show at the Mark Twain Boyhood Home and Museum in Hannibal, MO.  Afterwards he’ll be signing copies of his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.

Location:
120 N. Main St., Hannibal, MO 63401
For tickets go to Andy Borowitz at Mark Twain's House


©2012 Borowitz Report.com Home |  Subscribe |  Unsubscribe |  RSS |  Archives |  Contact
Powered by Rubenstein Technology Group