“PIG LATIN is a pretty tricky language,” Bush told the reporters. “Sometimes in cabinet meetings, Colin Powell and Dick Cheney will use it right in front of me, and I can’t make out a durned thing they’re saying.”

President Bush’s executive order may have been prompted by the latest bombshell to roil the American intelligence community: that Russian agents had somehow intercepted the president’s MasterCard number and used it to buy Faith Hill memorabilia on eBay. In addition to his pig Latin directive, Bush has ordered the FBI and the CIA to buy 2,000 pair of X-Ray Specs—the X-ray glasses advertised in the back of “Archie and Jughead” comics—in order to see through the walls of the Russian Embassy in Washington.

“If them glasses work half as good as they’re supposed to, they should be bodacious,” Bush told reporters.

When asked when the pig Latin and X-Ray Specs measures would be fully implemented, the president indicated that the timetable was classified information. “Ix-nay on the implementation-ay,” Bush said.