In a sign that he has no intention of going away quietly, former Vice President Dick Cheney embarked today on a nationwide road trip in a sound truck equipped with a state-of-the-art bullhorn.

The formerly reclusive Mr. Cheney has been a ubiquitous fixture on Sunday talk shows and right-wing radio programs in recent weeks, but his decision to tour the nation in a 2000-watt sound truck shows a heightened determination to spread his pro-torture message from coast to coast.

According to aides to the former vice president, Mr. Cheney had briefly considered starring in an IMAX film called “The Dick Cheney 3-D Experience” before settling on the less costly sound truck idea.

But Mr. Cheney’s “Pro-torture Tour ‘09″ has not managed to skirt controversy thus far, as the former Vice President has already had to contend with grievances about the noise levels produced by his high-wattage truck.

Residents of the town of Keene, New Hampshire were awakened at 5 AM this morning by a familiar voice blaring, “We’re less safe than we were under the last administration.  Run for your lives!”

As townsfolk rubbed their eyes, Mr. Cheney’s voice could be heard extolling waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation techniques.

For his part, a buoyant Mr. Cheney brushed off complaints from the New Hampshire citizens that he had disturbed the peace with his early-morning rant: “All this proves is that sleep deprivation works.”

Elsewhere, police arrested Drew Peterson for murder, based on a lead published in Duh magazine.

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