POSTED October 15, 2009

Millions of Americans Waste Entire Fucking Afternoon

Balloon Boy to America: Punk'd!

COLORADO (The Borowitz Report) – Moments after a little boy who was believed to be in his parents’ homemade helium balloon was found safe and sound, millions of Americans came to the realization that they had flushed the entire fucking afternoon down the fucking toilet.

“I watched the entire drama unfold and then it turned out that no drama had unfolded,” said Carol Foyler, 32, of Missoula, Montana. “I can’t tell you how pissed I am at that fucking kid.”

At their Colorado home, the parents of six-year-old Falcon Heene said that they were relieved that their son was all right and that they were pushing forward with their plans to build a giant child-operated flame-throwing robot. More here.

Email This Story to a Friend

BOROWITZ REPORT RSS

Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes

Douchebags Seek New Way to Compensate for Tiny Penises

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – General Motors’ decision yesterday to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: America’s assholes. Across t... [ + ]

Introducing the Hot New Social Network, PhoneBook

Allows User to Call Friends, Speak to Them

SILICON VALLEY (The Borowitz Report) – A new social network is about to alter the playing field of the social media world, and it’s called PhoneBook. According to its creators, who invented the... [ + ]