Senate Unveils CompromiseCare
Details of Healthcare Plan Revealed
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCareTM:
– Under CompromiseCareTM, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
– Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
– You will have access to cheap Canadian drugs if you live in Canada.
– States whose names contain vowels will be allowed to opt out of the plan.
– You get to choose which doctor you cannot afford to see.
– You will not have to be pre-certified to qualify for cremation.
– A patient will be considered “pre-existing” if he or she already exists.
– You’ll be free to choose between medications and heating fuel.
– Patients can access quality health care if they can prove their name is “Lieberman.”
– You will have access to natural remedies, such as death. More here.
Featured Stories
In Confident Sign, Gingrich Changes Facebook Status to ‘In an Open Relationship’
Newt to America: ‘Join Me. Join Me in My Marriage’
CHARLESTON, SC (The Borowitz Report) – In a sign o... [ + ]
A Letter from Mitt Romney
About My Finances
SOUTH CAROLINA (The Borowitz Report) – Republican presidential frontrunner Mitt Romney ha... [ + ]
A Letter from Kim Jong-un
To the People of Iowa
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report) – The following is a letter from Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North ... [ + ]
Greece Offers to Repay Bailout with Giant Horse
Steed Wheeled Into Brussels at Night
BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report) – In what many are hailing as a breakthro... [ + ]
A Letter from Goldman Sachs
Concerning Occupy Wall Street
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)– The following is a letter released today by Lloyd Blankfe... [ + ]
Manufacturers of Downward Arrows Post Record Profits
Rare Bright Spot on Wall Street
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In what stock market analysts are pointing to as a rare bright spot i... [ + ]
Obama Says US Not Deserting Iraq: ‘We Will Continue to Follow You on Twitter’
Promises Strong Social Networking Ties with Iraqi People
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) Marking the withdrawal of the final US troops from Ira... [ + ]
Rabid Dog Briefly Mistaken for Tea Party Candidate
Receives Standing Ovation at Missouri Rally
JEFFERSON CITY, MO (The Borowitz Report) - A rabid Doberman Pinscher jumped on stage at a Tea Party rall... [ + ]
Featured Videos
Andy discusses the 50 Funniest
On MSNBC’s Morning Joe, Andy Borowitz talks about his new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers.
Borowitz on Bachmann
Andy in NYC
Andy in NYC, 5/18/11
CBS Sunday Morning profile of Andy Borowitz
Andy in NYC 10/20/10
