WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Just hours after rocking the political world with his surprise retirement announcement, Sen. Evan Bayh (D-Ind) said that he would undergo treatment for an “all-consuming addiction” to the popular Facebook game Farmville.

“I realized that I had to make a choice between being a United States senator and tending my imaginary farm,” a tearful Mr. Bayh told reporters. “I had to look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge that I had a problem.”

Majority Leader Harry Reid said that he was shocked by Sen. Bayh’s admission, adding, “This is all the more surprising because he hails from a farm state, where there are plenty of actual farms he could take care of.”

In other news, an intelligence source downplayed the capture of the Taliban’s No 2, stating, “It sounds like a big deal until you remember that our No. 2 is Biden.”

Elsewhere, a New York Times reporter accused of plagiarism commented on the scandal, calling it “the best of times and the worst of times.”  More here.

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter.