Company spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke said that the slogan was chosen after the company considered several others, including “Toyota Puts the Pedal to the Metal.  And Keeps it There.”

Mr. Kyosuke said that the company considered, but then abandoned, the slogan, “Toyota.  The Last Car You’ll Ever Drive.” More here.

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter.

“Feel free to enjoy the beverage of your choice and know that you can rest it in one of our cup holders with confidence,” said Toyota spokesman Hiroshi Kyosuke.  “Our cup holders are world-class.”

But Mr. Kyosuke’s upbeat comments about Toyota’s cup holders were undercut somewhat later in the day by congressional testimony from Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.

“You should only feel safe to use your cup holder if your Toyota is parked in your driveway,” Mr. LaHood said.  “At 80 miles per hour, the cup holder becomes a rocket launcher.”

Toyota’s stock plunged 17 percent on the Transportation Secretary’s remarks, prompting him to issue the following statement: “Opposite of what I said.”  More here.

For realtime fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter.

“I’m sitting there in the theater with my 3-D glasses on and here are these blue creatures talking to a bunch of white guys,” Mr. Matthews said.  “And for about an hour there I totally forgot they were blue.”

Despite an awkward silence from his on-air guests, Mr. Matthews continued: “I mean, I totally forgot they were blue.  And I forgot that they had three fingers and looked like cats.”

“It says a lot about where our society is in 2010 that a bunch of white guys can be talking with a bunch of blue cat people with three fingers, in 3-D and what have you, and nobody makes a big deal out of it,” he said.  “I mean, that blows my mind in a way.”

Mr. Matthews revealed that in addition to forgetting that the Avatar characters were blue, earlier in the day he had also forgotten his car keys, his home address, and to put his pants on.  More here.

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter

“If we are fortunate enough to acquire the rights to Mr. Salinger’s book, we pledge to stay faithful to the spirit of Catcher in the Rye,” said Dougy Binstock, a producer at Columbia Pictures.  “And the best way to do that is by producing it as a rock opera.”

But even as Mr. Binstock was bidding for the rights to produce a film he hopes to call Phantom of the Rye, Mindy Hammerfur, an executive at Paramount Pictures, said she thought Salinger’s book was “seriously in need of a reboot.”

“We never find out in the book how Holden Caulfield becomes the catcher in the rye,” said Ms. Hammerfur.  “The movie really needs to be kind of a prequel.”

But of all the potential bidders hoping to desecrate Catcher in the Rye, Avatar director James Cameron may have the inside track.

“I loved this book as a boy and I’m not going to change a thing,” Mr. Cameron said, “except for adding blue space-cats.”

Elsewhere, CBS said it had rejected an ad for a gay dating site for the 2010 Super Bowl, but that it would still air three hours of men in tight pants slapping each other on the ass.  More here.

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter.

“There are a lot of texting devices out there that can absorb data,” said Apple founder Steve Jobs.  “But nothing absorbs more than a CoTex.”

Mr. Jobs said that when used in conjunction with Apple’s just-released mobile device, the AllWays StayFree, “the CoTex has what it takes to handle a heavy flow of information.”

When asked about the flurry of new products that Apple has released at the end of January, Mr. Jobs mused, “I guess it’s that time of the month.”

Elsewhere, a new poll shows that 90 percent of Republicans who did not hear President Obama’s State of the Union address disagreed with it.  More here.

For real-time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter.

In an advance copy of the President’s speech obtained by The Borowitz Report, Mr. Obama uses the phrase “pants on the ground” no fewer than sixteen times.

“My fellow Americans, let’s be clear: if you wear your pants on the ground, and your hat to the side, you run the risk of looking like a fool,” Mr. Obama says.

“Let us all work together, as Americans, to lift those pants off the ground,” the President continues in one of the speech’s rhetorical flourishes.

In a similar vein, at one point the President indicates that he will veto any healthcare bill that pays for “gold in your mouth.”

Mr. Obama’s opposition to pants on the ground is seen by many as an attempt to reach out to Republicans, for whom droopy trousers have been a winning issue.

But so far, early GOP reaction to the President’s speech has been muted, if comments by House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) are any indication.

“Quite frankly, we were opposed to pants on the ground until he was,” Rep. Boehner said.  “Now we’re for them.” More here.

For real-time fake news, go to http://twitter.com/BorowitzReport

“The so-called Balloon Boy claimed that he ‘did it for the show,’” a stern-faced bin Laden says on the tape, which surfaced Sunday morning.  “In point of fact, he did it for jihad!”

In the somewhat rambling tape, Mr. bin Laden spends 45 minutes claiming responsibility for other things, including the massive Tylenol recall, John Edwards’ illegitimate baby, and the Detroit Lions’ NFL season.

According to a CIA analyst familiar with the tape, a new characterization of Osama bin Laden may be beginning to emerge: “He’s like a movie executive: no matter how little he was involved, he claims credit.”

Elsewhere, Tiger Woods denied reports that he had changed his ringtone to “Pants on the Ground.”  More here.

For real-time fake news updates, go to http://twitter.com/BorowitzReport

In a rare press conference at the Grand Hyatt in New York City, the usually reclusive Almighty said that He was taking the unusual step of airing His feelings in public because “enough is enough.”

“I pray that his TV show would just go away, but of course, when you’re me there’s no one to pray to,” God said, to the laughter of the packed room of reporters.

While God held out no hope that Rev. Robertson’s “700 Club” would be cancelled any time soon, He did say, somewhat ruefully, “If Pat Robertson were on NBC he’d be replaced by Jay Leno by now.” More here.

For real-time fake news updates, go to http://twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Rev. Robertson said that he had heard the report of the earthquake on the radio and had misinterpreted its location: “For the life of me, I thought God was punishing Hades, which does in fact have a pact with the Devil.”

Apologizing for his “goof,” the televangelist told his TV audience, “Golly – people must’ve thought I was being an insensitive asshole.”  More here.

For real-time fake news updates, go to http://twitter.com/BorowitzReport

But even as Mr. Blagojevich tried to explain his controversial comment, he may have dug a deeper hole for himself, telling reporters, “When I said that I was blacker than Barack Obama, I wasn’t singling him out – I am, in fact, the blackest man in America.”

Raising the ante, Mr. Blagojevich urged reporters to consult an authority on the subject of blackness:  ”Don’t take my word for it — ask Harry Reid.”

Reached for comment, Sen. Reid (D – Nev) said he was agnostic on the matter of Mr. Blagojevich’s blackness, but added, “For a black man he does look rather light-skinned to me.”

Elsewhere, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said that God was responsible for her candidacy but neglected to mention He was also responsible for locusts.  More here.

For real time fake news updates, follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter.