Poor Elise Stefanik. She spent a decade strenuously sucking up to Donald Trump and came up empty. Now she’s sucking up to someone new. Will she have better luck this time?

When she was first elected to Congress in 2014, Stefanik was often referred to as a moderate Republican. Nowadays, “moderate Republican” means anyone to the left of Heinrich Himmler. But back then, before the extinction-level event known as Donald Trump, there were still some House Republicans who could pass as rational beings, and Elise was one of them.

After the 2016 election, however, the congresswoman from upstate New York underwent an extreme MAGA makeover in the hopes of climbing the greasy pole of TrumpWorld. And like many of her fellow groveling toadies (Mike Pence, Pam Bondi, and Kristi Noem, to name just three) she discovered that loyalty to Metamucilini flows in only one direction.

How low did Elise go? Her resume is a profile in obsequiousness. 2019: Appointed herself the Donald’s #1 attack dog during his first impeachment. 2021: Became a full-fledged election-denier, signing an amicus brief urging the US Supreme Court to invalidate the results in four battleground states. 2024: Expressed her concern about “the treatment of the January 6 hostages” during an unhinged appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” thus equating the QAnon Shaman with Nelson Mandela.

Would such brazen performances worthy of an industrial-grade sump pump pay off? Yes—at first. In 2021, she supplanted Trump critic Liz Cheney as GOP conference chair, becoming the third-ranking Republican in the House. Four years later, she nabbed her ultimate reward, as Trump nominated her to be ambassador to the United Nations. In no time at all, she’d be sitting at her cozy new perch in the General Assembly, eviscerating NATO and praising Vladimir Putin.

But just as Elise was packing for Manhattan, her story took a dark turn. With the GOP majority in the House suddenly looking as flimsy as Mike Johnson’s chances of being Raptured, Trump realized he needed his quisling Stefanik to remain in Congress to get his dystopian agenda across the finish line. Like Lucy punking Charlie Brown with the football, he cruelly withdrew her UN nomination at the last second, posting on Truth Social: “I have asked Elise, as one of my biggest Allies, to remain in Congress to help me deliver Historic Tax Cuts, GREAT Jobs, Record Economic Growth, a Secure Border, Energy Dominance, Peace Through Strength, and much more, so we can MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.”

This was doubly terrible news for Stefanik. In order to take the UN job, she had forfeited her post as GOP conference chair—so now she was, if I may quote Jean-Paul Sartre, “shit out of luck.” (That’s not a direct quote, but Jean-Paul did say, “All human activities are doomed to failure,” which is the French existentialist equivalent.)

Dusting herself off, Elise opted to run for governor of New York—which gave Trump yet another opportunity to screw her over. He refused to endorse her in the GOP primary and so, in an ironic twist for a woman who tirelessly campaigned to shred reproductive rights for women, she aborted her bid.

Her concurrent decision not to seek reelection to the House deserved a celebration to rival Taylor and Travis’s wedding, since it suggested this would be the last we’d hear from this egregious lickspittle. Alas, now we were the ones being punked: last month, Elise crawled out from under her rock and appeared in the pages of the Wall Street Journal, publishing an “opinion” piece that read more like a LinkedIn resume—garnished with that signature Stefanik sycophancy.

Who was the intended audience for Elise’s thinly veiled job pitch? Why, none other than Elon Musk, her ex’s ex and owner of X.

After briefly heaping praise on Elon for SpaceX’s just-completed IPO, Stefanik quickly pivoted to reminding all of us—but mainly Elon—that she had passionately defended him during her confirmation hearings for that ill-fated UN post.

She helpfully recalled that Democratic Senator Chris Murphy of Connecticut had asked her “outrageous questions” about the Nazi-tastic salutes Musk performed at Trump’s post-Inauguration celebration. Stefanik offered this example of Murphy’s totally unreasonable inquiries: “What do you think of Elon Musk, perhaps the President’s most visible adviser, doing two ‘Heil Hitler’ salutes last night at the President’s televised rally?”

For posterity—or, more specifically, for Elon—she included her spirited response: “No, Elon Musk did not do those salutes… I was not at the rally, but I can tell you I’ve been at many rallies with Elon Musk, who loves to cheer when President Trump says we need to send our U.S. space program to Mars. Elon Musk is a visionary . . . [The Nazi salute allegation] is simply not the case . . . the American people are smart, they see through it. They support Elon Musk. We are proud to be the country of such successful entrepreneurs. That is one of our greatest strengths as Americans.”

Look, it’s not crazy for Elise to imagine that Elon might hire her. Anyone who hired a 19-year-old college dropout nicknamed "Big Balls” can’t be too picky. But I’m not sure that reminding the world about Elon’s Hitler salutes—even in service of defending his Hitler salutes—is the shrewdest strategy for a job-seeker. Furthermore, I don’t think Elise succeeded in hyping Musk’s brand: since her WSJ piece was published, SpaceX and Tesla stock have both plummeted in value, resulting in a $650 billion hit to Elon’s net worth. That said, I hope Elon hires Elise. There’s no one I’d rather see colonize Mars.

TBR Question of the day: Who else would you like to colonize Mars? Leave your answer in the comments below:

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VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning break with centuries of Catholic doctrine, on Wednesday Pope Leo XIV announced that the Church would relax its prohibition against birth control when it comes to JD Vance.

The pontiff said that he had arrived at the decision after learning the “troubling news” that Vance had reproduced “yet again.”

“Discovering that JD Vance now has four children and could potentially have more roused me to action,” Leo said. “Something had to be done to contain his gene pool.”

Further justifying the contraception carve-out for Vance, Leo said, “If his offspring inherit his Pope-killing powers, the very existence of this Church is imperiled.”

Read the Most Shocking Excerpts from JD Vance’s Book About Catholicism

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly “exploded with rage” on Tuesday after a blood test he had required for all service members over 30 showed that he had “extremely high” levels of estrogen.

According to those familiar with the test results, Hegseth’s estrogen count would place him in the 99th percentile of all women.

Mascara streaking down his cheeks, Hegseth howled in protest, claiming that the blood test “reeked of DEI.”

“I wasn’t surprised by his reaction,” said the doctor who administered the test. “It’s that time of the month.”

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented political comeback, the entirely unconscious Mitch McConnell has garnered a vastly higher approval rating than the conscious version, a new poll revealed on Monday.

According to the poll, a whopping 78 percent of voters “strongly agreed” with the statement, “The USA would be in much better shape today if Mitch McConnell had been unconscious for the entire four decades of his congressional career.”

Voters pointed to progress on guns, the environment, and a host of other issues that could have been achieved if only McConnell had not been sentient.

Capitalizing on his newfound popularity, McConnell’s office issued the following statement: “The senator continues to be motionless and unresponsive, and the pile of legislative work near his hospital bed has gone completely untouched.”

New From Jesse Welles: “There’s a Hole”

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With the Iran War reignited, Donald Trump has turned his attention from denuclearizing Iran towards nuclearizing Saudi Arabia. On Wednesday, he struck a deal that will allow the Saudis to develop their own civilian nuclear program.

Supporters say the deal will boost the U.S. nuclear industry, improve diplomatic relations with a key ally against Iran, and prevent Russia or China from swooping in with their own deals. Critics argue that maybe, just maybe, a government that chops journalists up into small pieces shouldn’t have access to nuclear technology. This raises the question: Will the deal help keep Iran in check, or will it lead to a nuclear arms race in the region?

To help readers weigh the pros and cons, TBR has applied the logic behind the Saudi nuclear deal to other situations to see how Trump’s thinking holds up:

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Wednesday credited his “super-high testosterone level” with his ability to apply “military-grade makeup.”

“In order to be Secretary of War, I have to be Secretary of Warpaint,” he told reporters. “And my warpaint is by Estée Lauder.”

“Being blessed with off-the-charts testosterone has enabled me to perform with extreme lethality,” he said. “Make no mistake: I am lethal with an eyebrow pencil.”

In perhaps his boldest claim, Hegseth said that his makeup technique proved that he had the highest level of testosterone in the Trump administration, with the possible exception of Jeanine Pirro.

The Art of War by Donald Trump

Read an updated version of Sun Tzu’s Art of War, with insights from the most unique military tactician in human history, Donald J. Trump.

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seeking relief from the latest tariffs slapped on his nation’s goods, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney told Donald J. Trump on Tuesday that the orange air blanketing regions of the United States was intended as a “spectacular tribute” to the US president.

“We Canadians were thinking of something special we could give you for your birthday, and this is what we came up with,” Carney said.

“We thought that turning the skies above Washington orange would be a spectacular tribute to you, much as the Reflecting Pool is an amazing tribute to Greenland,” he added.

After Trump agreed to drop the tariffs, Carney thanked him, adding, "I would urge you to go outside and breathe in as much of that beautiful orange air as you can.”

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins said on Monday that she is “deeply concerned” that voters in Maine might remember things she has done in office.

“Maine voters are profoundly concerned about my record as their senator,” she said. “I want them to know that I’m concerned that they’re concerned.”

“If, for example, they remember that I voted to confirm Brett Kavanaugh, which led to the overturning of Roe v. Wade—well, there’s only one word for how that would impact my reelection chances,” she said. “Concerning.”

Collins said she hoped that, instead of focusing on her actions that are a cause for concern, voters would take into account her “entire career” in the Senate, stressing, “No one has furrowed her brow harder or wrung her hands more.”

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TBR EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following top-secret memo from the Marco Rubio for President Committee, listing possible slogans for the Secretary of State’s 2028 campaign:

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When the world’s most admired woman was attacked by the world’s least interesting man, it was no contest.

Like the millions of other people whose lives she touched, I miss Jane Goodall.

I had the honor of chatting with Dr. Goodall in the last year of her remarkable life. She told me a story I’d never heard before: about the time Elon Musk tried to pick a fight with her online, and failed miserably.

“He's the only person who's criticized me on social media,” she said. “Attacked me, almost. He accused me of wanting genocide. Simply because I said, you know, we can't have unlimited economic development if we carry on as we are, and the human population continues to grow.”

So Jane had a few words with Musk’s No. 2: “I said, ‘Why is your boss attacking me?” And he said, ‘Well, Elon's going to find this planet or make a planet habitable for humans. And he's afraid if the human population on planet Earth drops, then there won't be enough people for him to populate his new planet.’”

“Out there, political leaders, not only in America, other countries, too,” Jane said, “they are setting out, not deliberately to destroy the environment, but because they're carrying on as usual, they are taking more from nature than she can replenish. And I'm not going to give in to them. I mean, I won't. So the more damage they do, the harder I'll fight. And I've got literally hundreds of thousands of young people now, all feeling the same.”

Watch my interview with Jane Goodall here.

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seeking revenge for her abrupt termination in April, on Wednesday former Attorney General Pam Bondi upstaged confirmation hearings for her nominated successor, Todd Blanche, by releasing a trove of naked photos of Donald J. Trump on Jeffrey Epstein’s island.

The photos, showing a nude Trump frolicking in the Caribbean enclave, are “not for the squeamish,” experts warned.

In a brief official statement, Bondi said of the photos, “Oopsy, I guess I forgot to redact these.”

She added that Trump should have expected her to retaliate, noting, “Much like his war against Iran, he didn’t think this through.”

WATCH: Video Reveals Trump’s Sexual Misconduct with Children

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a brutal defeat for Donald J. Trump, Senator Mitch McConnell handily trounced him on a cognitive test administered to both men on Tuesday.

According to an attending neurologist who spoke on condition of anonymity, “When asked the test questions, Senator McConnell was totally unresponsive, as opposed to President Trump, who got every one wrong.”

Trump took to Truth Social to claim that the cognitive test was “rigged,” ending his rant with a perplexing, “Bamp you for your babention to this butter.”

The loss to McConnell is just Trump’s latest poor result on a cognitive exam, having been soundly thumped last week by a single-celled alga.

Trump Cognitive Test

Donald J. Trump’s incoherent outbursts, drooping face, and mid-sentence naps have sparked widespread alarm about his steep mental decline.

As a public service, TBR is offering the following cognitive exam to assess Trump’s acuity. For the sake of the nation and the world, we urge him to take it.

Trump Cognitive Test

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Like many Americans, I mourn the sudden passing of Lindsey Graham. I had hoped he would live long enough to be tried for treason.

Let me define my terms. A true traitor collaborates with the enemy despite knowing better. For that reason, someone like Sen. Tommy Tuberville could never be considered a traitor, because he knows nothing.

And then there’s Lindsey.

For the better part of a decade, the senior senator from South Carolina was enmeshed in an on-again, off-again—but mainly on-again—bromance with Donald J. Trump.

It began when both men were running for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. At the time, Graham had some pretty harsh words for his GOP rival.

“There’s only one way to make America great again,” he said. “Tell Donald Trump to go to hell.”

Snap! But Lindsey was just warming up. He’d go on to call Trump “crazy,” “a jackass,” and “a race-baiting, xenophobic religious bigot” who “shouldn’t be commander-in-chief.”

“If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed,” he said, “and we will deserve it.” Why was he so sure that Trump would lose? “Donald Trump is the most unelectable Republican I’ve seen in my lifetime,” he said.

As for Trump’s mental health, Lindsey offered this succinct diagnosis: “I think he’s a kook. I think he’s crazy.”

Just one year later, when the crazy xenophobic jackass was chain-slurping Diet Cokes in the Oval Office, Graham decided to revise that assessment somewhat.

“What concerns me about the American press is this endless, endless attempt to label the guy as some kind of kook not fit to be president,” he told CNN.

This sort of flip-flop worked so much better before the invention of Google. But Lindsey seemed to hope that by piling praise on the man he once wished would go to hell, we’d forget about all that mean stuff he’d said before. By 2018, Graham was bizarrely claiming that Trump “deserves the Nobel Peace Prize and then some.”

In his quest to suck up to Trump as strenuously as possible, Graham hurled himself into self-abasement as if it were an extreme sport. When Trump relentlessly insulted the memory of John McCain—purportedly Graham’s best friend when they were Senate colleagues—Lindsey responded with astonishing nonchalance.

“I don’t like what he says about John McCain,” Graham told Bloomberg. “But when we play golf, it’s fun.”

Yes, Lindsey apparently lost his moral compass somewhere in the sand trap of the Trump National Golf Club. That’s why it was so striking when he seemed to express genuine outrage on the floor of the Senate after Trump incited the Capitol riot on January 6, 2021.

“Trump and I... we’ve had a hell of a journey,” he said. “I hate it to end this way. Oh my god, I hate it... but today, all I can say is ‘Count me out. Enough is enough.’”

Alas, Lindsey’s appearance on the right side of history turned out to be a head-fake, as his hell of a journey with the insurrectionist-in-chief was far from over. Like his fellow quisling, Mitch McConnell, Graham voted to acquit Trump in his second impeachment trial. And once it became clear that launching a coup against the US government wasn’t a deal-breaker for 99 percent of the GOP, Lindsey was hitting the links with the wannabe junta leader once more.

“I’m trying to keep a relationship with him after the riot,” he told Axios two months after January 6. “I still consider him a friend. What happened was a dark day in American history. And we’re going to move forward.”

Lindsey just couldn’t quit him.

All of the events I’ve recounted thus far are sufficient to qualify Graham as a traitor. His defenders, though, might raise a mitigating factor: his hawkish stance against the President of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin.

In this regard, Graham was always on the same page as his Senate pal McCain. Responding to George W. Bush’s gullible assessment of the murderous Russian (”I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul; a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country.”), McCain quipped, “I looked in Mr. Putin’s eyes and I saw three letters—a K, a G and B.”

But Graham might have topped McCain in his detestation of Putin. Calling him a “war criminal” and “not a legitimate leader,” in 2022 he proposed assassination as the swiftest way to end the war in Ukraine: “I just want him to go…I wish somebody had taken Hitler out in the ‘30s.”

When the International Criminal Court, in a somewhat less draconian measure, issued an arrest warrant for Putin in 2023, Lindsey hailed the decision: “To forgive and forget Putin’s war crimes—that are occurring on an industrial scale—would irrevocably damage the Rule of Law-based world order established at the end World War II.”

That “Rule of Law-based world order” was shredded in the Oval Office last year when Trump and JD Vance disgracefully ganged up on Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy for having the audacity to suggest that Putin might not be a trustworthy fellow. Aware of Graham’s longstanding hatred of the man he called a war criminal, I eagerly awaited his rousing statement of support for Zelenskyy.

Instead, Lindsey told reporters, “What I saw in the Oval Office was disrespectful, and I don’t know if we could ever do business with Zelensky again… I have never been more proud of the president. I was very proud of JD Vance standing up for our country.”

That kind of statement made many people wish Lindsey would go to hell. Done.

Communism According to Republicans

What does Donald Trump think communism is—and isn’t? Read the explosive TBR investigation here.

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On July 4th, Donald J. Trump gave a rousing speech at the foot of Mount Rushmore, where he warned about a resurgence of a “communist menace.”

After an exhaustive search, TBR could not find any evidence of a resurgence of communism in America. Our investigation did, however, find evidence of a resurgence of several other “-isms,” including racism, sexism, nationalism, and fascism.

We can therefore only assume that Trump must have been confused about what communism is and isn’t—a confusion he seems to share with his entire party.

As a public service, TBR has compiled the following list of things Trump and his fellow Republicans believe are—and are not—examples of communism:

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an incident that astonished his medical staff, on Wednesday Senator Mitch McConnell bolted upright in terror after JD Vance entered his hospital room.

McConnell, who had been motionless and unresponsive prior to the vice president’s arrival, suddenly sprang to attention, his eyes bulging with …

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TBR WORLD CUP EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following late-night message from Donald J. Trump to FIFA President Gianni Infantino:

Dear Gianni,

What the hell? I thought you were my best friend. And now I wake up for my…

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Whatever happened to Kristi Noem?

I found myself thinking about our erstwhile DHS secretary/puppy exterminator over the weekend during Donald Trump’s incoherent commie-bashing mixtape at Mount Rushmore. Six years ago, with the granite landmark as his backdrop, Metamucilini gave a speech that was widely roasted for being racis…

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump boasted on Monday that his funeral will draw a “much bigger crowd” than that of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.

“The so-called Ayatollah, who was a loser and a terrible person, got a pathetic turnout for his funeral,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “My funeral will draw MILLIONS!”

Claiming that “nobody cares”…

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As the USA marks its 250^th birthday, let’s take a moment to ask: was Britain’s “Mad King,” George III, really so nuts?

Read the following excerpts from his 1775 address to Parliament about America, juxtaposed with Trump’s comments about Iran, and answer TBR’s poll question: Who’s crazier?

PLUS: “American Dreams,” a scorching new song by the brilliant Jesse Welles. It’s an instant classic you won’t want to miss.

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