WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As part of its framework deal with the US, on Monday the Islamic Republic of Iran agreed to cease all hostilities in exchange for never having to talk to Vice President JD Vance again.

Under terms of the agreement, Vance must remain out of the Iranians’ earshot for a minimum of 30 years, with his exact location subject to periodic inspections.

“All the bombs we dropped on those crazy bastards couldn’t do what the sound of JD’s voice did,” Donald J. Trump said. “I’m thinking of sending him to Cuba next.”

The agreement drew strong praise from a range of Washington insiders, including Second Lady Usha Vance, who asked, “How do I get that deal?”

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking his milestone birthday in stride, on Sunday Donald J. Trump told reporters, “I may be eighty, but I have the brain of a four-year-old.”

“People who think I’m too old should take a look at this UFC fight,” he argued. “That’s an idea that could only come from a four-year-old’s mind.”

Trump said his self-assessment was corroborated by doctors at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, who told him at his most recent exam that his cognition had scored at a four-year-old level.

In the first official act of his ninth decade, the president renamed RFK Jr. “The Donald J. Trump Robert F. Kennedy Junior.”

TRUE STORY: When Trump Named a Horse After Himself

Buildings aren’t the only things Trump likes to put his name on—he once named a poor horse after himself. Read the bizarre but 100% true story here.

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TBR EXCLUSIVE: Since its announcement last year, Donald J. Trump’s “Freedom 250” UFC fight has sparked the ire of patriots and people on BlueSky who want to argue about something. (So, people on BlueSky.)

One of the biggest criticisms is that a UFC fight in no way represents our nation, our history, or what our Founding Fathers intended. However, new research reveals that one little-known Founding Father might have been into this.

To advance our understanding of American history, The Borowitz Report is publishing the following excerpt from the newly discovered journal of Chester “Chet” Dickinson (1739-1781), who was present at the signing of The Declaration of Independence:

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Law enforcement probing the mysterious markings of the numbers 8647 on the National Mall said on Friday that they had found a distinctive hat at the scene of the crime that could help them identify the perpetrator.

The hat, a wide-brimmed navy-blue boater with an ivory band, was reminiscent of the headgear worn by The Hamburglar, who shot to fame in McDonald’s commercials in the 1970’s, investigators said.

“It appears to be some kind of spy hat,” the lead detective, Harland Dorrinson, said. “That supports the theory that this was the work of a foreigner.”

The detective said that the police were considering the act of vandalism “a serious threat,” adding, “Whoever did this clearly hates Donald Trump.”

Today in the Comments Section: How to Ignore This Loser’s Birthday

This Sunday is Metamucilini’s 80th birthday. What will you be doing instead of celebrating it? Post your ideas below—and be creative!

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s claim that a peace deal with Iran was imminent suffered a stunning rebuke on Thursday when a flotilla of warships from the Iranian navy blockaded The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.

In a brutal humiliation of Trump, the Iranians choked off access to the newly renovated pool and began charging tourists to look at it.

At the Pentagon, a visibly rattled Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth attempted to downplay Iran’s stunning maneuver by claiming that its navy posed “no threat” to other DC landmarks.

“If the Iranians think they can demolish the White House, they’re in for a nasty surprise,” he told reporters. “President Trump has already done that.”

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Barron Trump’s launch of a pricey new energy drink suffered a catastrophic setback Monday night when it failed a product test during the nationally televised NBA championship game.

After taking a swig from the beverage, a decidedly unenergetic man in the owner’s box appeared to fall into a deep, coma-like sleep.

The image of the slumbering man, broadcast on ABC, was witnessed by millions except Secretary of State Marco Rubio.

In a desperate attempt at damage control, Barron Trump said on Tuesday that the drink would be rebranded as a sedative.

Is Lindsey Graham About to Lose his Senate Seat?

Heather Cox Richardson Predicts the End of Trump

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest abrupt departure from the Trump administration, on Tuesday Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche announced that he was leaving the Department of Justice to pursue his lifelong dream of going to law school.

“Ever since I was a little kid and watched ‘Matlock,’ I dreamed about someday becoming a lawyer,” Blanche told reporters. “Now I intend to turn that dream into a reality.”

Blanche, who revealed that he is already studying for the LSAT, acknowledged that getting into law school “isn’t going to be easy.”

“I’m going to be competing against a lot of qualified applicants,” he said. “I’ve heard that Pam Bondi is also applying.”

Is Lindsey Graham About to Lose his Senate Seat?

Heather Cox Richardson Predicts the End of Trump

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MADRID (The Borowitz Report)—Pope Leo XIV baffled event-promotion experts on Sunday by somehow drawing a crowd of 1.2 million people without hosting a UFC fight.

By attracting a seven-figure audience with nothing but a message of humanity and hope, the Pope bucked the conventional wisdom that people will only turn out in large numbers to see men on steroids kick each other in the face.

At the White House, Donald J. Trump reportedly “exploded with rage” at news of the pontiff’s crowd but later affected nonchalance during an Oval Office briefing.

“Crowd size doesn’t matter,” Trump told reporters. “What matters is how long your reflecting pool is.”

Trump and the Pope Debate the Bible

Which of these two leaders has a better understanding of The Good Book? Decide for yourself here.

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“Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin is considering a plan to remove all U.S. Customs and Border Patrol agents from airports in sanctuary cities like Chicago.” —CBS News

Howdy, disgusting liberal foreign tourist. Name’s Markwayne. That’s Mark like the Evangelist and Wayne like John Wayne and Bruce Wayne and Wayne Gretzky who apparently is Canadian? Ew!

Now, who here has two thumbs and two names mashed together like peanut butter and jelly? This Markwayne. And this Markwayne was just named the new Homeland Security Secretary by Mr. President, sir. And this Markwayne is not even mad he picked me AFTER he picked a girl. As such, things are gonna change round these here parts.

If you’re thinkin’ bout comin’ to America this summer, you might wanna check yourself. We love welcomin’ visitors here, s’long as they’re the kind we like, you filthy high-velocity train-ridin’ garbage. As secretary, I can tell ya, the biggest threat to our nation is Salvadorean ladies selling mango outside the subway station. They put their demon spice Tajín on it and it makes Markwayne’s tonguy hurty.

As such, I am closin’ all airports in those disgustin’ liberal cities until I figure out why everyone there seems to make such a big deal outta a buncha patriotic overweight virgins in riot gear brutalizin’ their neighbors. Cucks. So, if you’re comin’ to America, I’m excited to share with you these bangin’, patriotic, kid rockin’ tourist destinations you’ll love:

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HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report)—The US Senate race in Texas got uglier on Thursday as Republican Ken Paxton accused Democrat James Talarico of lacking the requisite criminal record to represent the Lone Star State in Washington.

“With all due respect, my opponent doesn’t have the cojones to go on a crime spree,” he told a crowd of supporters in Houston. “James Talarico never saw a law he didn’t abide.”

Drawing a stark contrast between himself and Talarico, Paxton said, “My criminal record is as big as Texas itself.”

Paxton warned that, given the lawless environment that currently prevails in Washington DC, a non-crook like Talarico would be a “dangerous choice,” adding, “Texas deserves a criminal who doesn’t need on-the-job training.”

Leaked Excerpts from JD Vance’s Upcoming Book on Catholicism

TBR EXCLUSIVE: In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

Peek into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope by reading excerpts here.

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PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Embattled CBS News chief Bari Weiss abruptly left the network on Wednesday to accept a new role as general manager of North Korea’s state-run media.

“I was a big fan of her work at CBS,” said the North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un. “I’ve spent years trying to purge all the news from our media and she pulled it off in a matter of months.”

“Plus, her willingness to do David Ellison’s bidding proved she can debase herself to a leader who got his position purely from nepotism,” he added.

But Weiss’s tenure at the North Korean network DLT (Dear Leader Television) got off to a rocky start as staffers quit en masse, complaining about her lack of television experience.

Leaked Excerpts from JD Vance’s Upcoming Book on Catholicism

TBR EXCLUSIVE: In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

Peek into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope by reading excerpts here.

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TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, the Islamic Republic of Iran announced on Tuesday that henceforth it would only negotiate with the Puerto Rican superstar Bad Buddy.

“Throughout his career, Bad Bunny has shown an ability to break down barriers and bring people together,” Tehran’s official statement read. “Our position is clear: no Bunny, no peace.”

In a sign of their eagerness to deal with Mr. Bunny, the Iranians said they were willing to conduct all future negotiations in Spanish, stating, “It will be easier for us to learn Spanish than whatever it is that Donald Trump speaks.”

In a further rebuke to the president, the Iranians ruled out any further dealings with Trump, calling him “muy loco.”

Leaked Excerpts from JD Vance’s Upcoming Book on Catholicism

TBR EXCLUSIVE: In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

Peek into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope by reading excerpts here.

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a last-ditch move to salvage his “US Freedom 250” concert, Donald J. Trump announced on Monday that the only remaining musical act will be Secretary of State Marco Rubio playing a kazoo.

“Quite frankly, we don’t need no-talent losers like the Commodores,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “We have Little Marco playing his Little Kazoo!”

According to sources, Rubio is taking his new assignment extremely seriously, spending hours practicing the kazoo in the Situation Room.

In an official statement, Rubio declared, “I am honored to blow anything President Trump asks me to.”

TBR Question of the Day: What other musical acts will Trump recruit from his clown car? Leave your suggestions in the comment section below:

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Leaked Excerpts from JD Vance’s Upcoming Book on Catholicism

TBR EXCLUSIVE: In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

Peek into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope by reading excerpts here.

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TBR EXCLUSIVE: In the journalistic coup of the year, The Borowitz Report has obtained a leaked copy of JD Vance’s much-anticipated book about his conversion to the Catholic faith.

The following excerpts offer a fascinating glimpse into the mind of a man who believes he understands Catholicism way better than the Pope:

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TIJUANA (The Borowitz Report)—On the eve of her scheduled testimony before the House Oversight Committee, Pam Bondi was caught by the Mexican border patrol on Thursday as she attempted to sneak across the southern border.

The former attorney general, dressed in what was described as ninja-like attire, was nabbed as she tried to hoist herself over the border wall near Tijuana, Mexican officials said.

Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum said she would tighten border security to prevent a “doomsday scenario” in which her nation is overrun by a swarm of criminal Republicans.

“Today was Pam Bondi,” she warned. “Tomorrow could be Ken Paxton.”

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I think you deserve a break from the news today, and I know I do. So let me tell you a little story about my dog friends, Cookie and Mousse.

Cookie was four years old when Mousse came into our lives last year. My wife and I made the somewhat impulsive decision to become a two-dog family in the immediate aftermath of the 2024 election/shitshow. While millions of Americans self-medicated with alcohol or edibles or both, Livy and I decided to throw another dog at the problem.

That wasn’t our only motivation. We thought Cookie would love having a sibling to play with. And Mousse was actually his biological sister—they shared the same father, an apparently randy goldendoodle named Cooper. (Like Elon Musk, Cooper has many offspring; unlike Elon, Cooper is interesting.)

But when Mousse arrived, we realized we hadn’t thought this through. Livy and I were the youngest siblings in our families, so we’d never had the experience of being displaced by a new baby—the kind of torment we were now subjecting poor Cookie to.

Mousse announced herself in our home by barking incessantly and using every available rug as her personal lavatory. When she wasn’t engaging in those two fun hobbies, she tried to ingratiate herself with Cookie by lunging at his face and biting his ear. Cookie, who is blessed with a preternaturally sweet disposition, responded by baring his teeth and growling.

As Mousse’s reign of terror continued, Cookie stopped acting like his playful, puppyish self. He showed no interest in activities he usually enjoyed, like hurling himself onto the grass and wiggling deliriously. He was depressed.

“Do you feel sorry for him?” Livy asked me.

“Yes.”

Fast-forward a year.

A couple of weeks ago, I had to take Mousse to the vet to get some shots, and I brought Cookie along. When the vet came out to the reception and took Mousse away, Cookie did something totally unexpected: he started to cry.

He hadn’t wept like this since he was a puppy. Back than, whenever we took a road trip and Livy disappeared momentarily to grab a cup of coffee, Cookie would be despondent. That made sense, because he loved Livy—but Mousse? It was confusing.

To console him, I gave him a Milk-Bone. He devoured it, so I gave him another, and another. The poor boy was stress-eating Milk-Bones, and pacing nervously.

When Mousse emerged a few minutes later, Cookie immediately settled down, and the two of them snuggled in the back seat of the car all the way home.

Patience isn’t a virtue I would normally ascribe to someone who barks as much as Mousse. But when it came to winning Cookie’s heart, she was clearly playing the long game.

TBR Question of the Day: Do you have a favorite pet story? Share it with the community in the comments section below.

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to improve Donald J. Trump’s woefully weak negotiating position with Iran, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy made a surprise visit to the White House on Wednesday to lend him some cards.

“For four years, my country has fought a much larger adversary to a standstill, while for three months, a far smaller country has kicked your ass,” Zelenskyy informed Trump. “Which of the two of us, may I ask, has cards?”

Saying that his American counterpart’s total lack of cards “makes me very sad,” Zelenskyy pleaded with Trump to borrow some of his.

“Pick a card,” Zelenskyy begged him. “Any card.”

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BETHESDA (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was admitted to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Tuesday to have Senator Lindsey Graham surgically removed.

What was originally billed as a routine physical exam quickly became a medical emergency after doctors determined that the South Carolina lawmaker, who had been attached to Trump since 2016, had to be amputated.

A team of surgeons performed the seven-hour operation to remove the invasive parasite in a procedure known as a toadyectomy.

Doctors said that Trump was “recovering well” but would soon have to return to the hospital to have House Speaker Mike Johnson removed.

Take the Trump Cognitive Test!

Are you in better cognitive health than Trump? Take this test and find out!

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QUEENS, NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what has become a Memorial Day tradition for him, on Monday Donald J. Trump laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Podiatrist.  

Trump made his annual pilgrimage to pay homage to the heroic doctors who issued bogus diagnoses to ensure that their privileged patients never answered the call of duty.

In an emotional tribute, Trump thanked the fallen foot specialists who bravely risked their medical licenses so that others facing military service could be free.

Choking back tears, he said, “They gave everything so people like me could give nothing.”

TBR is now on YouTube!

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