WASHINGTON—On Saturday morning, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt delivered the following press briefing:

Members of the press, as you all know (and as many of you witnessed firsthand), there was a horrific assassination attempt at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last Saturday. This heinous attack has made it clear that the only way to stop gun violence in America is to put tighter restrictions on liberal hate speech, which continues to encourage radical leftists to carry out these despicable shootings.

We believe Saturday’s attack was the direct result of a so-called “joke” told by failed comedian Jimmy Kimmel two days before the shooting, in which he claimed that First Lady Melania Trump had a “glow like an expectant widow.” It is obvious that Kimmel’s violent rhetoric is what motivated the gunman. There’s a huge difference between telling a joke, like when I said that there would be “shots fired” that night, and what Kimmel did. Anyone can see that Kimmel’s remark was a death threat, while mine was an innocent observation about the irreverent monologue the president was planning to deliver.

Since comedians can no longer be trusted to entertain audiences without inspiring deranged killers, the White House has issued the following list of approved jokes. Any comic deviating from this list will have their network’s FCC license revoked and will be subject to detention and questioning by FBI Director Kash Patel at his field office in the Bellagio Casino.

Jokes officially approved by the White House include:

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To thank you for subscribing to TBR at the Supporter level, every now and then I like to send a special bonus your way. Here’s a fun conversation I had this week with my friend, the comedian Dean Obeidallah. Hope you enjoy it!

Love,

Andy

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When you’re as stupid as Donald Trump, the last thing you need is to learn the wrong lessons.

But that’s exactly what’s happened as a result of Don the Dunce’s deceptively easy bids for regime change in Venezuela—and at CBS.

Trump’s illegal kidnapping of Nicolás Maduro taught him that toppling a head of state was as easy as playing a video game from the comfort of a Situation Room recliner, and encouraged him to play again—this time, in Iran.

Similarly, Trump’s ouster of Stephen Colbert from his time slot at CBS emboldened him to depose another comic nemesis, Jimmy Kimmel, from his perch at ABC.

What Trump didn’t understand, however, is that Iran isn’t Venezuela—and ABC isn’t CBS.

In Venezuela, Trump found a toadying collaborator, Delcy Rodriguez, willing to do his bidding to stay in power. At CBS, Trump had the billionaire nepo-baby (and Eric Trump doppelgänger) David Ellison performing Olympian acts of self-debasement to smooth his acquisition of CBS’s parent company, Paramount.

But Don the Dunce’s efforts to change regimes in Iran and at ABC have proven more challenging.

Initially, it seemed he might succeed at both. Early airstrikes in Iran killed much of the Islamic Republic’s senior leadership, just as his attacks on ABC (amplified by FCC chairman/First Amendment-hater Brendan Carr) cowed the network’s parent company, Disney, into pulling Kimmel off the air.

Then things started going very, very badly.

Despite epic and furious pummeling by the US military, Iran’s regime not only survived, but became more militant—and, thanks to its stranglehold on the Strait of Hormuz, more powerful.

Similarly, after outraged consumers cancelled their Disney+ and Hulu subscriptions, the House of Mouse restored Kimmel to his late-night throne—where he watched his ratings soar.

Now, because one of Kimmel’s jokes has angered Melania “I Never Knew Jeffrey Epstein Despite the Dozens of Pictures You’ve Seen of Us Together” Trump, her senescent hubby is taking another run at ABC. This time, his FCC quisling is threatening to conduct an “early review” of the licenses held by ABC’s eight owned stations.

On Tuesday, Disney responded dismissively: “We are confident that record demonstrates our continued qualifications as licensees under the Communications Act and the First Amendment and are prepared to show that through the appropriate legal channels. Our focus remains, as always, on serving viewers in the local communities where our stations operate.”

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is, as has often been said, the definition of insanity. It is also Donald Trump’s personal mission statement. (See: his latest indictment of James Comey.)

Will Don the Dunce somehow convince Iran’s Revolutionary Guard and Disney to be like Delcy? I doubt it. Like the Atlantic City casinos Trump drove into bankruptcy, he doesn’t have any cards.

New GOP Talking Point:

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Igniting an international incident on Tuesday, Charles III of the United Kingdom angered GOP lawmakers by delivering a speech riddled with complete sentences.

The offensive sentences, characterized by an incendiary deployment of subject-verb agreement, drew howls of outrage from congressional Republicans.

“Speech bad,” said Ron Johnson.

“Sucked,” said Lauren Boebert.

“Urgggh,” said Tommy Tuberville.

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PERSIAN GULF (The Borowitz Report)—Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner was “caught red handed” trying to establish his own tollbooth in the Strait of Hormuz, Iran’s Revolutionary Guard reported on Tuesday.

Unsatisfied with the billions he has extracted from an array of Gulf states, Kushner had hoped to cash in on the Hormuz bonanza before he was nabbed by the Iranians.

“Why should you guys be the only ones who get in on this grift?” an irate Kushner shrieked at the Revolutionary Guards as they zip-tied him.

Asked to comment on her husband’s detention in Iran, Ivanka Trump said, “It is what it is.”

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LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an eleventh-hour change of plans, King Charles III of the United Kingdom announced on Sunday evening that rising jet fuel costs had forced him to visit the US remotely.

“The energy crisis caused by the Strait of Hormuz’s closure has made air travel too rich for my blood,” Charles told reporters. “I had been looking forward to many delightful hours in the company of the scintillating Donald Trump, but my hands are tied.”

Allaying concerns about the last-minute switch of his visit from in-person to remote, the monarch revealed, “I’ve gotten pretty good at using Zoom—especially the mute feature.”

Asked if he had a message he planned to deliver to Trump, Charles said, “He can start all the wars he wants, but the Epstein mess won’t go away—just ask my idiot brother.”

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When Melania Trump recently made a surprise appearance at the White House to claim that she didn’t know Jeffrey Epstein, she inserted this jarring nugget of product placement:

“I met my husband, by chance, at a New York City party in 1998. This initial encounter with my husband is documented in detail in my book, MELANIA.”

This tantalizing promo made me wonder: might Melania’s book be worth reading?

As a public service, I decided to read MELANIA. But should you?

To help you decide, I am offering this short quiz. If you score high enough, you already know the contents of MELANIA and can skip it. Good luck!

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Warning: The following post is 100% factual. Sadly.

The recent allegations about FBI Director Kash Patel’s drunken antics are regrettable in that they briefly shifted focus away from the man who, until now, had been the most notorious boozer in Trump’s Cabinet: Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.

Alas, Whiskey Pete didn’t have the sense to lie low this week, and instead drew attention to himself by continuing to implement his zero-tolerance policy for competence in the US armed forces.

Earlier this month, Gen. Randy George, the army chief of staff, joined the swelling ranks of highly-esteemed military leaders whom the former “Fox & Friends” weekend host kicked to the curb in a frenzy of febrile paranoia, cementing his reputation as secretary of defensiveness.

Yesterday, it was Secretary of the Navy John Phelan’s turn to get the chop. Now, to be clear, Phelan is no Randy George. In fact, he shares two unfortunate resume items with the current commander-in-chief: zero military experience and a link to Jeffrey Epstein. (Phelan never boarded an aircraft carrier, but he did ride on the Lolita Express.) So I can’t say that I mourned Phelan’s departure—that is, until I found out who was replacing him.

America, meet your new Acting Secretary of the Navy: Hung Cao.

Who, you might be wondering, is Hung Cao?

In 2024, Donald Trump anointed Cao to be the Republican nominee in Virginia’s US Senate race. On the campaign trail during his (unsuccessful) run for Congress in 2022, the former Navy captain didn’t think bragging about his military service would suffice: at every opportunity, he told voters that he’d been “blown up” multiple times.

“I’m 100% disabled, you know, because just from being blown up in combat many times and everything else, you know, knee, shoulders,” he said. “I’ve got more surgeries than you could possibly imagine.”

The key word here is “imagine,” as USA Today discovered when it investigated Cao’s military record. Despite Cao’s claim of “getting shot at and blown up in Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia,” the newspaper reported, “Four retired Navy and Army officers who reviewed Cao’s service record said it was unusual for a sailor severely wounded in combat in Iraq or Afghanistan not to have received a Purple Heart or the Navy’s Combat Action Ribbon.”

Given his behavior during the campaign, however, it’s possible that Cao did sustain serious injuries—to the brain. He compared abortion to Nazi atrocities and claimed that Wiccans had seized control of Monterey, California. He referred to himself as an “African-American” because he spent a few years in Niger as a child. As for his ideal Navy recruit, he declared, “What we need is alpha males and alpha females who are going to rip out their own guts, eat ‘em and ask for seconds.” It’s hard to see how disemboweling and then eating oneself would improve one’s performance as a sailor—but If that nugget of wisdom eluded Virginians, he tried to win them over by handing out campaign coins bearing the catchy slogan, “I Want My Senator to be Hung.” Voters who shared that icky sentiment proved to be rare: he lost to the Democrat, Sen. Tim Kaine, by 9 points.

This is the man Pete Hegseth has chosen to oversee the Navy just as the US’s blockade of the Strait of Hormuz falters and more troops head for the Middle East.

What could go wrong?

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TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, Iranian negotiators warned on Wednesday that having to spend “even one more minute” with JD Vance would be considered “an act of war.”

“We spent twenty-one hours with this odious loser and refuse to endure such excruciating torture ever again,” the Iranians’ statement read.

According to White House sources, Trump hopes that the mere specter of being trapped in the same room as Vance will compel Iran to reopen the Strait of Hormuz and abandon their nuclear program.

But his strategy could run afoul of the Geneva Conventions, which consider a human repellent like Vance a biological weapon.

WATCH: Video Reveals Trump’s Sexual Misconduct With Children

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid allegations of heavy drinking, FBI Director Kash Patel is hoping to seem sober by scheduling a joint appearance with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, sources close to Patel revealed on Tuesday.

“I need to hold a press conference with Pete after he’s been on an epic bender,” Patel reportedly told his staff. “If you can’t find him, get Jeanine Pirro.”

Appearing with Hegseth carries with it certain risks, however, as Pentagon staffers have reported that merely standing next to him has made them drunk.

But Patel told sources he is desperate to “do anything” to save his job, sobbing, “I can’t go back to flying coach.”

Trump and the Pope Debate the Bible

Trump and Pope Leo’s debate about the Bible has been one of TBR’s most popular posts. You can read it here.

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TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, on Monday Iran announced that the Strait of Hormuz will be closed the next two years for renovations.

The Strait of Hormuz board, packed with cronies of Iran’s Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, also approved a plan to put Khamenei’s name on the renovated waterway.

“The Khamenei Strait of Hormuz will be the biggest and most beautiful trade chokepoint EVER!” the ayatollah announced in a social media post.

In the same post, he indicated that the renovated strait would have a “world-class toll booth” fitted with marble armrests “unlike anything ever done or seen before!”

Trump and the Pope Debate the Bible

Trump and Pope Leo’s debate about the Bible has been one of TBR’s most popular posts. You can read it here.

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On Tuesday, JD Vance made headlines by offering this helpful advice to Pope Leo XIV: “I think it’s very, very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” Undoubtedly, the leader of the world’s 1.42 billion Catholics was grateful for this pro tip from a guy who converted to Catholicism 6 years ago.

But if JD thinks the pontiff is a little shaky on the Bible, what theological expert does he trust? Clearly, that higher power is Donald J. Trump, who, in 2016, declared, “Nobody reads the Bible more than me.”

Since this is Sunday, I thought it might be a good time to host a debate about the Bible between the head of the Catholic Church and the leader of the world’s largest theocracy. Read the following actual quotes by Pope Leo and Donald Trump, and then answer the poll question: Who understands the Bible better?

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Escalating his attacks on Pope Leo XIV, Donald J. Trump claimed on Thursday that the pontiff’s election last year was “totally rigged.”

“There were a lot of ballots cast against him that were just burned,” he said. “You could see the smoke coming from the Vatican.”

Trump blasted Leo as “a terrible person and very ungrateful, quite frankly,” arguing that “he never would have become Pope without my help.”

“It was my idea to send JD to Rome in 2025,” Trump explained. “If he hadn’t gone, Pope Francis would still be alive and Leo would still be a crummy cardinal.”

BREAKING: Trump Loses Fight With Pope

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This month’s TBR Book Club pick is the New York Times bestseller Democracy Awakening by Heather Cox Richardson. I loved this book and give it my highest recommendation.

If you’ve never participated in our book club before, here’s how it works: first, read the book, available from TBR Book Club, where every purchase helps support local bookstores (and not Jeff Bezos).

In a few weeks, I’ll ask you to submit questions for Heather, whom I’ll interview on my podcast.

Note: Every paid TBR subscriber automatically receives membership in the book club. If you’ve ever considered upgrading to a paid subscription, this is a great time.

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TBR Question of the Day: What other books would you recommend for our book club? Leave your ideas below:

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After JD Vance failed to strike a deal on Iran's nuclear program over the weekend, on Tuesday former President Barack Obama offered to help Donald J. Trump reach such a deal, sources said.

“I hear you're having trouble keeping Iran from getting nukes,” Obama reportedly told Trump. “I have some ideas about how you might get that done.”

“Just spitballing here, but it would be good to put limits on uranium enrichment,” he said. “And you’d want to set up regular inspections and monitoring to make sure they’re complying.”

Although Obama thought he could be of assistance in crafting a nuclear deal with Iran, he added, “I don’t know how you’ll get them to stop blocking the Strait of Hormuz. It was totally open when I was president.”

Will Lindsey Graham Lose His Senate Seat?

Why has Lindsey Graham been drinking so much? Maybe he’s seen the polls. TBR examines the trouble ahead for the tipsy Trump toady here.

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ISLAMABAD (The Borowitz Report)—Negotiations between Iran and the US collapsed over the weekend after Vice President JD Vance scolded the Iranians, “President Trump has made you rich off the Strait of Hormuz and you haven’t said ‘thank you’ once.”

“The president has spent billions of US taxpayers’ money over the past six weeks,” Vance said. “He’s left your regime intact, hasn’t removed a single pound of enriched uranium, and has enabled you to charge millions for ships to pass through the Strait, which you never could before he attacked you. The least you could do is show a little gratitude.”

The chief Iranian negotiator seemed unmoved by Vance’s lecture, informing him, “You have no cards.”

Will Lindsey Graham Lose His Senate Seat?

Why has Lindsey Graham been drinking so much? Maybe he’s seen the polls. TBR examines the trouble ahead for the tipsy Trump toady here.

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BUDAPEST (The Borowitz Report)—In the immediate aftermath of his stunning defeat on Sunday, Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban received a visitation from the ghost of Pope Francis, who tore into him for meeting with JD Vance.

“I warned you not to let that monster near you,” the late pontiff said. “What kind of idiot are you?”

At the White House, press secretary Karoline Leavitt offered no comment on the Hungarian election, but said that going forward Vance would participate in Cabinet meetings from a remote location only.

Today Viktor Orban—Tomorrow Lindsey Graham?

From Canada to Hungary, a White House endorsement is turning out to be a political kiss of death. Will South Carolina be next? TBR does a deep dive into tipsy Trump toady Lindsey Graham’s chances of losing his Senate seat here.

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Welcome to The Borowitz Report’s newest premium feature, TBR Midterms HQ. Between now and November, we’ll offer deep dives into the midterm races you need to know about—and make a few predictions.

We’ll start by examining the reelection chances of the intermittently sober Trump toady Lindsey Graham.

Conventional wisdom says Graham’s Senate seat is safe. But as Trump’s popularity vanishes like Little Marco’s feet in a giant pair of Florsheims, a slew of recent Democratic upsets have proven conventional wisdom wrong.

And a close inspection of the South Carolina Senate race suggests there could be trouble ahead for tipsy Lindsey.

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BREAKING: In the early hours of Friday, when everyone else at the White House was fast asleep, Melania Trump made the following statement:

Good morning.

The lies linking me with the disgraceful Donald J. Trump need to end today.

The individuals lying about me are devoid of ethical standards, humility, and respect. I do not object to …

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