TBR EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following official advisory from the Department of Health and Human Services:
Here at the Department of Health and Human Services we put health first and humans second. We never specified the health of whom. Deadly bacteria have health.
Since Secretary Kennedy took over, we can confirm that we are PROACTIVE when it comes to DISEASE. That’s why we are proud to call ourselves ProDisease. This is the first ProDisease administration in America since the pilgrims gave that generous blanket donation to the natives. We are patriots!
But it seems some of your weak guts can’t tolerate a little cyclospora or e. Coli, or listeria, or salmonella. As such, Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is proud to present this list of foods that are currently safe to eat. Bon appétit!
