HOLLAND, MICHIGAN (The Borowitz Report)—Weighing in on the unrest roiling the nation’s campuses, on Monday Betsy DeVos called for all colleges and universities in the U.S. to be shut down forever.
“At institutions of so-called higher learning, students are exposed to books, ideas, and thinking,” the former Secretary of Education said. “That will never end well.”
DeVos said that during her tenure in the Trump administration she had tried to eliminate the nation’s colleges and universities, but “sadly, I didn’t get it done.”
She held out hope, however, for a future in which America’s youth lived “free from the tyranny of education.”
"The four years students waste in college would be better spent inheriting family wealth," she said.
Enter The Borowitz Report Haiku Contest!
Inspired by the response to The Private Haikus of Marjorie Taylor Greene, TBR is holding its first ever Haiku contest! Haiku entries should be on this theme: the innermost musings of Donald J. Trump as he attends his criminal trial in Manhattan. The finalists will be published in a future Borowitz Report Sunday Read and the grand prize winner will receive a signed copy of my book, PROFILES IN IGNORANCE. Submit your haikus in the comment section below.
Who’s here for the haiku contest? Haiku entries should be on this theme: the innermost musings of Donald J. Trump as he attends his criminal trial in Manhattan. The finalists will be published in a future Borowitz Report Sunday Read and the grand prize winner will receive a signed copy of my book, PROFILES IN IGNORANCE.
Me Me Me Me Me
Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
Me Me Me Me Me