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The Borowitz Report

Boo, Loser!

TBR Sunday Read

Oct 26, 2025
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By far the scariest Halloween mask this year. (Photo: Andrew Harnik/Getty)

Donald Trump hates Halloween. When you’re a deranged monster who lives to scare people, you don’t want competition.

Look at what he’s done to the White House (or what’s left of it). With Melania’s help, the scariest holiday there isn’t Halloween—it’s Christmas.

And no trick-or-treater can come up with a mask as terrifying as this.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

But all of his scare tactics can’t hide a basic truth: there is no bigger scaredy cat in the world than Donald J. Trump.

What’s Trump afraid of? You name it.

Sharks. Windmills. E. Jean Carroll.

But there’s one thing that keeps Trump up at night more than anything else—and it’s not the Epstein Files:

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