Democratic Candidates Beg Musk to Visit Their States

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A mad scramble erupted on Wednesday as hundreds of Democratic candidates across the nation begged Elon Musk to visit their states.

Democrats who previously thought their electoral prospects were dim pleaded with the South African businessman for a miracle that only his noxious presence can deliver.

Additionally, they implored Musk to don stereotypical regional headwear during his visit in the hopes of striking the most off-putting note possible.

“No one guarantees a Democratic victory like Elon Musk,” one party strategist said. “He fell apart in Wisconsin like a human Cybertruck.”

Thanks to Wisconsin, the Republicans Are Shitting Themselves

For saying “fuck you” to Nazis, Wisconsin has become the Greenland of the Midwest. They’ve sent the Republicans into a spiraling panic attack, which I break down here.

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