627 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Everyone wins!

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Except the people who have to take care of him. Can their salary be taken out of the billions of dollars he's raked in by ignoring the emoluments clause? Like, a million dollars a month?

Mary Gilbert's avatar

Yep-I’m a nurse but he’s one patient I wouldn’t want responsibility for. Plus, he no longer says nurses are professionals…guess my bachelors & masters degrees weren’t good enough for tRump.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

That casual comment inflamed me. I've worked in health care and patients need all kinds of nurses!! ALL professionals. In fact, more "professional" than sons running Daddy's businesses.

Mary Gilbert's avatar

You’ve got that right. We are all necessary & all professionals.

Oaktown's avatar

And underappreciated.

Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

Russell Voight did that, it's in Project 2025 - if a college major is not "deemed professional," they don't have to give you any loans for you to finance college. This is their way of making the women career-less, stay home & have those babies. EXCEPT MEN are going to nursing school too. Those fuckers probably don't even realize this because they are all stuck in the "good old days" of 1950. 🤬

Barbara Handler's avatar

Nailed it. Are teachers still considered professionals? I forget.

Pamela's avatar

No, they too are in their new category. What is their category? The Stupid category?

Annette's avatar

so the people who care for our health and those who educate our children are not considered professional, but the bozos, jesters, clowns and village idiots who work in the People's House are . . . this confirms we're living in the great upside down

Barbara Longbrook's avatar

We better be‼️👩🏻‍🏫

Elene Gusch's avatar

Yes, I wonder if they even realize that huge numbers of men are nurses and that men are teachers too.

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Ah, but Elene, you know that men who are nurses and teachers can't be REAL men.

Lizbeth Maher's avatar

Exactly right. Men are also teachers, another profession Trump called not a profession.

shee-rah's avatar

That’s because he paid no attention in school and learned nothing, so it was the teacher’s fault.

Charlie's avatar

Yes, the Good Ole Days of the 1950s (or is it 1850s?) when men popped off from heart attacks a lot more than they do now. Just trying to look on the bright side 😖

Annette's avatar

well said, Kathleen . . . and another reminder that the folks writing and going along with Project 2025 all need to have their heads examined, and regardless of the results, should be locked in a maximum security prison away from any human population.

Gordon Shumway's avatar

those fuckers are probably "incels"

Sharon Herrick's avatar

To me, this has nothing at all to do with being a "professional" or what a "professional" is---you're absolutely right---it's another form of misogyny and you know positively they would think any man working as a nurse or a teacher is not a real man--or clearly not a wealthy man---which is all that matters to them. We have always undervalued the most important jobs---nurses, teachers, care-givers, cleaners, trash collectors. Whether they're considered "professional" or not, they deserve so much more.

Erika Rosenfeld's avatar

As long as we’re on the subject of nurses, please give a shout-out to the nurses in NYC who are on a righteous strike.

John Townsend's avatar

Inflaming others is his super-talent!

Charlie's avatar
15hEdited

Seeing as you're "not a professional" any longer, and therefore not bound by professional ethics*, couldn't y'all please just give him sedatives on demand? (not his, anyone else's)

*please, do not try to explain this concept to him, it will only get you hypertense 😳

Chicagoshirl's avatar

We nurses like to say "You can't fix stupid but you can sedate it."

John Townsend's avatar

Nurses must be awfully busy with trying to do just that.

shee-rah's avatar

Someone has done an excellent job of sedating Donny since he’s always falling asleep during the day.

Frances López's avatar

A former stewardess told me that when airline passengers became unruly or restless, the crew would turn up the heat, then passengers would get sleepy.

Annette's avatar

is there a setting on Air Force One for 11? For the inner pits of hell? Asking for a friend.

Susan Dilks's avatar

A lovely thought.

Annette's avatar

please just give him sedatives on demand? (not his, anyone else's) - ROFL

LYNN COOK's avatar

I.V.PUSH.! PUSH ! PUSH !

CBA's avatar

If we're lucky he'll get a caregiver that's his idea of "highly qualified"... like a YouTube influencer.

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Ooh! Ooh! Can we have RFK Jr. take care of his medical needs, please?

Amy Cain's avatar
2hEdited

RFK Jr. would care for Humptee exclusively!! No vaccines. No rx’s for measles, mumps or rubella, nor whatever he’s using for the cankles or that endless skin problem incl. makeup!!

CBA's avatar

Just squirt some ivermectin paste down his gullet every day. That cures everything, right? 😏

Mary K. Vincent's avatar

Maybe Karoline Leavitt!

Leslie  Gottshall-Decker's avatar

With having siliconed lips and brown noses as requirements.

Amy Cain's avatar
2hEdited

Leslie, “The plumper the more attractive” (NOT!)!!!!

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

I love nurses. My late husband was a neurosurgeon and he got along great with the nurses. In surgery, the surgical nurses would say “have you got all your equipment big guy?” They had a huge mutual respect. Now in his honor I go around the hospital with three people with therapy dogs to bring some release of tension to patients for sure but especially to nursing staff. It’s a joy for me.

Annette's avatar

Bless you, Pam, and your late husband. THIS is what health care should look like!

John Townsend's avatar

Only good enough if you're covered in gold leaf or a hot blonde!

djw's avatar

I'm fine with hiring a hot blonde airhead to take care of him. Neither of them would last a week.

Annette's avatar

I hope the hot blonde is named Sven and he's a liberal

djw's avatar

Except I'd hate to punish a liberal that way!

djw's avatar

Except if hate to punish a liberal that way!

Pamela's avatar

As though he would know anything about competence or professionalism.

Leslie  Gottshall-Decker's avatar

I’m a retired home health psych RN. We’re not supposed to diagnose, but most of us I bet can think of a few for him. After 40 years of working with the mentally ill, I realize there is a lot of fear and prejudice against them, mostly due to a lack of understanding and education that this is truly an illness, not a choice. Everything this man does is a choice, like making decisions that nurses, teachers, and every other profession that has been traditionally mainly women is not “professional.” Interesting that all of those are ones that people have the most trust for—like nurses. There’s a lot of trust involved in turning your children over to teachers to teach them so they can be constructive and confident adults. And etc. His behavior is learned, it’s all a choice, and all self-centered. I wouldn’t trust him with any living, breathing creature, and he’d probably flunk any required education, much less the post degree courses and CEUs that are required after graduation for professionals to continue practicing.

Sharon Herrick's avatar

I wrote in my holiday letter (after the election) that a person would ask more of candidate for the job of babysitter than the voters did of Trump. I wouldn't trust any of his cabinet, any congressional republican, any of his toadies with anything. I wouldn't allow them to babysit, pet-sit, plant-sit or house-sit. Your point---that this is a choice, not an illness---is all-important.

SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

For goodness' sake, Mary, the only kind of professional

Dump recognizes walks a turf on 42nd St. And they

can't stand him either. Don't take offense. An insult from

that idiot is like high praise from everyone else.

Sonya Randle's avatar

Same. I'm a nurse and no thanks.

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Sounds as if you may be a nurse practitioner, and even higher level of education and passing boards.

Mary Gilbert's avatar

Clinical specialist-had to pass additional exam to be certified for advanced practice.

Lynn Tuohy's avatar

Which level can serve Diet Coke?

Darlene D. Townsend's avatar

If they give him a button to push for his Diet Coke he might be happy there.

Gjay15's avatar

We have three nurses in our family and they are dedicated hard working professionals. And I am confident that if you have a good nurse you will get good care sometimes in spite of the “ doctors “.

Gjay15's avatar

Well there could be some consolation: the latex glove

Mark Welles's avatar

Were I promised to be granted a sole caregiving role to trump I would go back to school for a RN degree in a flash.

Annette's avatar

thank you for your service and sacrifice, Mark

kdsherpa's avatar

I hadn't heard that!

AAM's avatar

He'll be put into a medically-induced coma.

Thanks for writing, " emoluments clause". It's more calming than, "Every official act he performs puts money into his stinking pockets, which is illegal!!!!!! The Saudi Arabian murderer was given a military flyover while Jared Kushner was making millions from him! Why isn't everyone outraged by this? Gah!".

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

I'm not sure everything is covered by that, honestly, but I know it's something he kicked the crap out of the first round and got away with stuff he shouldn't have. What he did then was petty larceny compared to round two.

How could anyone have voted for this man in 2024?! In 2016, there were probably people still ignorant of what he really stood for: himself, money, and power. Why would *anyone* have voted for him last time except his criminal buddies from Jan. 6--who he'll toss aside at some point--or the rich dudes, like all white, who are profiting off his position right along with him?

Susan Dilks's avatar

Your second paragraph says all I suspect.

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

But even ALL his criminal buddies, blue collar or white, don't total 70 million+ people.

Harvey Perry's avatar

He promised that he would lower prices. Mysteriously, a lot of people believed him. Perhaps because he said what they wanted to hear.

AAM's avatar

Economics. He lied about fixing the economy. He has a cult of personality. Harris wasn't a strong candidate but, more importantly, a non-white woman.

DebbieM (OH)'s avatar

My sister and her husband voted for him twice. They're FOX brainwashed. 😭 Oh, they're also ignorant which helps with the brainwashing.

Annette's avatar

the kind of people tRump likes best!

Annette's avatar

I'm sure there was corruption and fraud in tRump 2.0's election. But with Commander Chaos, his first year, second term, has been a frenetic merry-go-round of "look over here," "no, look over HERE," "but what about over there?" The majority of sheepeople who voted for him long for the "good old days" and that's what they hoped they would get - you know, getting a soda at the luncheonette, talking about the July 4th town picnic. Now they're getting higher food, health, housing, education costs, while the grand poobah is trying to take over the world. But I'm comforted knowing he's just not that smart or saavy (nor are his psychophants) and his house of toilet paper will fall. Soon, I hope . . . very soon.

Sharon Herrick's avatar

I ask myself this question constantly but I'm beginning to think it doesn't matter. Hear me out: Whether the answer is stupidity, willful ignorance, unwarranted grievance, apathy, bigotry, greed, delusion, misinformation---maybe there's something we can do about it, maybe not. Maybe we can just pick one and try to work on that.

John Townsend's avatar

If outrage were exploding lava, D.C. would be covered with it, especially now!

AAM's avatar

Everyone in the DC area should gather all around the White House fence and erupt!

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

I'm tired of having to clean up every night after having been the exploding head emoji regularly.

Brenda Reiss's avatar

He's already in a coma, but he's to stupid to realize it.

Ellen From NJ's avatar

He’s in a coma already!

Annette's avatar

yes . . . that's what makes me shake my head . . . what is it going to take for some of the reasonable republicans to wake up and stand up to this demented dictator-wannabe

Ed Wisneski's avatar

No problem. Another source of the $1.4 billion he has made from his presidency is stiffing contractors. Can the people who have to take care of him be listed as "contractors?"

djw's avatar

I can remember when you couldn't qualify for federally-operated housing if you had more than a certain amount of money, so of course we'd have to divest him of his first. We could invest part of it in a case of gold spray paint, spray everything in his room, and make him happy as a clam.

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Hard to compare him to a clam when they're known for being very close-mouthed.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Was just thinking same thing. Remember the movie Goldfinger? A woman was spray painted gold----a metallic murder. Hmmmm.

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Trivia night: actor Buddy Ebsen was originally hired to play the part of the Tin Woodman in MGM's 1939 classic, The Wizard of Oz. The silver crud they put on his face made him terribly sick, so Jack Haley was in the movie instead.

Linda Shapero's avatar

Then he could pretend he was King Midas. No one in his orbit would dare contradict him.

Mary K. Vincent's avatar

Maybe spray him like the woman in "Goldfinger"?

Annette's avatar

that's a lot of cans of paint!

Ransom Rideout's avatar

Perhaps the ice floe is still in play.

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Is *that* why he wants the big ice cube that is Iceland?!

David's avatar

I was a nurse. I'd take GOOD care of him!😜👹

Donna_H's avatar

I understand that the Greenland Defense Force has volunteered to escort him halfway there.

John Townsend's avatar

--and drop him accidentally into the Atlantic? Huh? Huh?

Donna_H's avatar

Rumored to be a plan by the walruses and penguins. The polar bears were silent but appeared to be drooling in anticipation.

Barbara Handler's avatar

That's be bad for them. They'd end up full of skin and hair dye, McDonald's grease, fat, and diet Coke.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

The image is wonderful but polar bears and walruses and penguins are far too cute.

AAM's avatar

So are housecats until they meet a mouse.

Tom Watt's avatar

Love that visual!

Dr. Judith Schlesinger's avatar

That could generate a tsunami warning, John...

Amy Cain's avatar

Excellent, John! So simple and convenient!!

shee-rah's avatar

Or on an ice floe in the Arctic.

Imogen Howe's avatar

In his underwear!

Annette's avatar

<snort laugh> halfway!!

Cathleen's avatar

Priceless!🥰🤣

Alex Delehanty's avatar

pity the other residents

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

What other residents? Occupation: 1

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

😉You’re forgetting the resident polar bear who’s going to share the ice floe/ room 😂

HarrisWalz FTW 2024's avatar

Not until after he's settled in and complacent.

David Fractor's avatar

Donald certainly puts the dumb in dumbmentia.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

😂Especially the Trump weary citizenry of the USA😉Thanks Andy for starting my evening on a hilarious and hopeful note ! 😂

Amy Cain's avatar
4hEdited

Pradnya, May the Goddesses and Patron Saint of Sight, of Vision, and Light (St. Lucy) be on Our Side!!!

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

Did he ace the entrance exam?

Amy Cain's avatar
4hEdited

Of course, Cindy! He got an 80,000% score!!!!

Katherine James's avatar

Is it a locked down facility?

KHKate's avatar

Hope he sits in his soiled diapers all day and that they freeze over. Fitting for a spoiled toddler.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Frozen Feces. What a wonderful idea.

Ed Wisneski's avatar

Is he allowed golden statues, gilded picture frames and access to a ballroom occasionally?

Beverly Naiditch's avatar

I hear they'll be adding a Putt Putt in his suite for endless enjoyment! 🤣

Amy Cain's avatar

In his tri-polar medication, Ed! It lasts at least a coupla months, typically much longer!!…

Susan Dilks's avatar

Why not? If that's all he needs to keep him happy. (The idiot.)

John  (NJ-VT)'s avatar

IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

“Speaking to reporters, Carney said that Trump’s new home was actually located in Iceland, not Greenland, but added, “We’re pretty sure he doesn’t know the difference.”” Borowitz

“Based on geological and economic data, the primary difference between Iceland and Greenland regarding precious metals is that Greenland possesses massive, largely untapped geological deposits (including gold, silver, and rare earths), while Iceland has very limited, mostly exploratory, or non-commercial resources with no significant active precious metal mining. “ google AI

Sir, General Ripper reporting in - we have not found anything of value here in Iceland. Just puffins, sir, tons of puffins.

J Cheng's avatar

Thank you once again for my morning coffee spew! But they should have gone with their first choice, ice floe, it would have been cheaper.....

Marilyn Tebor Shaw's avatar

Andy, as always, you are the most reliable source of international political news that males total sense!

Amy Cain's avatar

AB, In the famous words of Kurt Vonnegut~ ….”and so it goes”… Love, Apc xxxooo!!

Barbara Petersen's avatar

Might work, as long as it’s gold.

Steve Lang's avatar

did you hear that macron has taken to calling him “l’enfant orange”?

Rebecca Brents's avatar

The truth sounds so much better in French.

Mary's avatar

Or maybe "l'enfant orage".

John Townsend's avatar

Macron would not befoul the French language with such terminology?

Too late for English in America!

Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

Why not? I do too along with about 100 other appropriate insulting names. 😉🧡

Marirose's avatar

Maybe I should call Dementia Don, l’enfant orange.

Janet Howe's avatar

If he seems unhappy when he gets there, just fill the room with gold ornaments and promise him a gold medal every week.

John Silas "Si" Hopkins, III's avatar

Better yet a Peace Prize contingent on his annexing Russia instead of Greenland.

Jess Neubauer's avatar

I'd be happy just to see him send ice after some of the Russian illegal immigrants whose tattoos are literally a resume of the crimes they've committed.

djw's avatar

He and Pukin would probably both like that.

Harvey Perry's avatar

Can he be convinced to develop interest in seizing Siberia? You can see it from Alaska. Since Russia sold Alaska to the United States, perhaps Agolf Shitler can negotiate a deal for Russia to sell Siberia too. Greenland and Iceland are a long way from Maine.

John Townsend's avatar

Chocolate coins covered in gold foil to keep him regular!

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Isn't Ex-Lax available in chocolate?

Amy Cain's avatar

Uh huh, Wendy…!

modj's avatar

🤣 🤣 🤣

shee-rah's avatar

And a fridge filled with Diet Cokes.

Frances López's avatar

Keep the Diet Cokes in an enclosed ice field. He'd have to venture outside to get them.

Betsy Blosser's avatar

Love it! You should send this to both Macron and Carney. They would enjoy it!

Ellen Nordstrom's avatar

Yes!!! Please send to them!

Carol O'Rourke's avatar

Why can’t we make a big deal of the fact the he doesn’t know the difference between Iceland and Greenland. And they made a big deal of Biden’s age. It’s so embarrassing in front of a world wide audience

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Yeah---where has Jake been? I just finished 'Original Sin'. Joe looks like Einstein compared to Donnie--the stable genius.

Amy Cain's avatar

Perfect, AB! A (not) well-versed biographer!

xxxoo Apc

Kandy Brown's avatar

I saw two women interviewed on the Daily Show. They said..."America? I don't think anyone wants to go there any more." Well, I died a little inside.

Tirzah Mason's avatar

America First will very soon become America Only. Isolation is not as much fun as some think.

Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

It's Dump 1st - only him and his little Swiss Cheese Syphilis Brain the size of a walnut!

David A Pitock's avatar

And a terrible idea.

Edith Griffin's avatar

He also mixed up Norway and Denmark, blabbing about the noble peace prize a few days back.

djw's avatar

No, he wrote it "noble". Duh.

Amy Cain's avatar

Edith, I mean really, WHO does THAT??????????????

Linda Shapero's avatar

You are so rught! I cringe at the stupid things he says. The rest of the world sees us all as dumb as he is. That's so unfair to all of us who never voted for him.

Sherry Nelson's avatar

“YOU’RE FIRED”….Canada Prime Minister speaking at NATO re US President’s statements

Deb Durand's avatar

I love you Andy😘

Francine Ciaccia's avatar

Meeeeeee toooooo‼️

Susan Stone's avatar

Absolutely fabulous, eliciting more hearty laughter!! I don't know how you do it Andy, but I think the Nobel committee should come up with a new prize for promoting sanity and you should be the first recipient of that prize. Thank you for binging us such good laughter.

Jay F's avatar

I’d love to watch Andy’s acceptance speech.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

ABSOLUTELY. Andy, you keep us going in the midst of what -- even only a year ago -- would have seemed absolutely out of the question.

Amy Cain's avatar

Wendy, I haven’t taken down my, “I VOTED” sticker since last January’s election!!

Marianne Burbank's avatar

Going into the dementia unit I presume….When he sees the Northern Lights, he will believe they are provided by God just for him…Either that or he will announce that he invented them!

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Both--he'll say God is so pleased with his political acumen that he granted him special powers to light up the sky.

Amy Cain's avatar

But, Wendy, Humptee thinks HE’s GOD of EVERYTHING!!!

Marianne Burbank's avatar

Insight? Or am I trying to incite? That is the question…😁

Cary Sherburne's avatar

Love you!!! You certainly have a lot of fodder to work with now. Keep up the great work. Authoritarians, especially narcissistic ones, hate being humiliated

Amy Cain's avatar

Cary, they don’t think. They meander about ???___ ?? and__??? everything.

John Crowe's avatar

Any idea when he can move in? The sooner the better, of course.

Tina Gavin's avatar

He should jump on that

Susan Stone's avatar

It just occurred to me that if that facility was actually in Iceland, it could be located on a volcano, or on a known lava path, so that trump would always be warm and think he was in Florida.

John Silas "Si" Hopkins, III's avatar

An ice floe on molten lava would be perfect!

Judith Richards's avatar

The ice flow? What a great idea!!!

Carol Marychild's avatar

You mean the ice floe?😆

modj's avatar

This is a win win for everyone! (except for the Icelanders)

Surrounded by Actual Ice, he's sure to feel safe and secure.

It's a perfect retirement choice for his ice queen should she choose to join him.

Well done, NATOnians.

Maureen Melle's avatar

What could go wrong?

Debi's avatar

👏👏🤣🤣🤣

Linda Shapero's avatar

But wait... how will Melangia manage without him? I can see her drowning in her own tears because she misses him so much.

Deborah Paulus-Jagric's avatar

Yup, crocodile tears.

It's Come To This's avatar

Iceland, Greenland, Shmeenland, Legoland, Lapland, NeverNeverLand....anyplace with a padded room.

Betsy Knight-Reid's avatar

I love the suggestion of an ice floe.

Olivia Ward's avatar

They'd say "you'll be right at home. Nothing there but ICE. "

J Cheng's avatar

😂😂😂😂😂😂👌👍