KATONAH, NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—George Soros has been forced to declare bankruptcy after paying over seven million people to attend the No Kings protests, the billionaire confirmed on Monday.
“When I agreed to pay everyone who showed up at these things, I had no idea so many people were going to accept my offer,” Soros admitted. “But a deal’s a deal.”
The legendary investor said that paying No Kings participants had required him to liquidate his most prized holdings, including his share in the orbital lasers operated by the Rothschild banking family.
Soros revealed that paying the five million Antifa members at the rallies cost him “a pretty penny,” adding, “They may be anarchists, but they don’t work for free.”
See Me This Friday Night!
Did you get your check?
Finally, the truth is out. Soros had to pawn his orbital lasers to cover the Antifa payroll. Tragic, really. I heard the Rothschilds are starting a GoFundMe.
Jokes aside, it’s amazing how satire keeps having to explain itself to people who think parody is prophecy.
If millions of people march for democracy and your first thought is “they must be paid,” you’re not fighting tyranny—you’re auditioning for it.
Reality doesn’t need a financier. It just needs enough people to wake up.