Hegseth Bans Microphones at Pentagon After Press Briefings Make Him Sound Like Idiot

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth imposed a total ban on microphones at the Pentagon on Friday, complaining that press briefings were making him sound “like a giant idiot.”

“I’ve been watching so-called news coverage of me and every word out of my mouth sounds stupider than the last,” he said. “I blame microphones.”

After expelling all sound-capturing equipment from the Pentagon media room, Hegseth proceeded to conduct an hourlong briefing entirely in mime.

According to a new poll, Americans strongly support Hegseth’s new policy since it saves them the trouble of muting him.

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LEAKED: Hegseth’s Private Search History

SumUp on Unsplash

In a TBR exclusive, we have obtained Pete Hegseth’s private search history from the past two weeks. Read it here.

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