How To Fix Soccer by Donald Trump

TBR World Cup Exclusive

FIFA President Gianni Infantino explains a piece of soccer equipment to a new fan of the sport. (Photo by Jim WATSON / AFP)

TBR WORLD CUP EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following late-night message from Donald J. Trump to FIFA President Gianni Infantino:

Dear Gianni,

What the hell? I thought you were my best friend. And now I wake up for my 2 am Truth Social AI slop rant/47-minute bathroom trip to find out we LOST? Against Belgium? What does Belgium even do better than America? Chocolate? Waffles? Cruel and unnecessary treatment of Black people? Not on my watch. I can’t believe this. It’s like the FIFA Peace Prize means nothing. Well, after you agreed to my request to have the red card for Folarin Balogun suspended, I have some GREAT IDEAS about how to fix your FRANKLY STUPID sport. How come they can’t use their hands? Are they stupid or what?

- All teams must field 11 players including the goalkeeper. The United States can field two goalkeepers and one of them can be Karl-Anthony Towns. Or Shaq. He seems to have time on his hands. And big hands.

- Each American player is allowed to punch one (1) opponent in the nuts per game. Nut taps do not count.

- More hydration breaks. This game is boring. I want to see more ads of David Beckham selling me literally everything.

- I am calling for an end to ALL red cards, and at the request of Stephen Miller, ALL green cards.

- Can the whole broadcast be the hot babes in the stands? Why do I have to watch the stupid soccer at the soccer game?

- Erling Haaland has birthright citizenship and all the players who made mistakes in our team have reverse birthright citizenship. That means they are not born here. Matt Freese, congratulations, you are now from Tanzania.

- I am firing all referees and announcing their replacement is Marco Rubio.

- Belgium is no longer part of NATO.

- All World Cup games are to be played in the White House ballroom.

- The goalkeeper can use his hands. So can Tyler Adams. Or maybe one of the white players, instead. They seem more trustworthy.

- Lionel MESS-i is not allowed to touch the ball with his hands OR WITH HIS LEGS.

- Belgium is eliminated from all sporting competitions. They are two weeks from developing a nuclear weapon. Pete Hegseth, get ready to bomb another school!

- Team USA starts every game 1 goal up.

- Actually, make that 2 goals up.

- Eh, 3 goals up to make it fair.

- Christian Pulisic now has to wear robot legs like Darth Maul from Star Wars.

- Every U.S. Men’s National Team’s opponent’s dressing room is set to be stocked with water, towels, and Kash Patel downing Michelob Ultras.

- All the other teams have to play blindfolded.

- All American players get a gun.

- You know what, make it 4 goals up.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

This TBR World Cup Exclusive is by Felipe Torres Medina, a WGA and Peabody Award-winning writer and comedian from a country you misspell. He has written for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, The New Yorker, and more. Follow him on Substack here!