How to Identify Fugitive Democrats
By Texas Governor Greg Abbott
My fellow Americans:
As you may know, 51 cowardly Democrat legislators are on the run from Texas. They are shirking their duty to rid our glorious state of the representative government that has plagued us for far too long.
These Democrats could be anywhere. They could be in your town. They could be hiding under your bed. More likely, they are at a farmer’s market, selecting artisanal pickles.
The following are tips to help you identify Democrats in your midst:
Democrats are often seen carrying tote bags featuring the logos of PBS, NPR, Doctors Without Borders and other subversive organizations.
Democrats can be found in Starbucks, ordering beverages with oat milk, or salads with quinoa. (Note: Democrats are the only people who like quinoa.)
Democrats do not eat cats and dogs, but they do rescue them.
Someone driving a car with a bumper sticker that says RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES could be a Democrat, but it could also be a member of QAnon. If the car stereo is playing Bruce Springsteen, it’s a Democrat.
If you see someone with any of these identifying characteristics, remember: Democrats are dangerous. Some may be armed with concealed pocket Constitutions.
To help bring these fugitives to justice, immediately report your sighting to Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton. He will be standing by at one of his three primary residences.
God Bless America,
Gov. Greg Abbott
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I opened this while eating a quinoa salad (with tahini dressing) surrounded by my rescue cats.
I kid you not.
This reads like if The Onion got blackout drunk on power and evangelical Kool-Aid.
"Democrats might be hiding under your bed"...? Sir, the only thing under your bed is the ghost of public education funding and the shredded remains of your moral compass.
Also, if tote bags, oat milk, and animal rescue are your red flags—maybe the real threat isn’t tyranny. Maybe it’s fiber.
And let’s not skip over this part: “rid the state of representative government.” Mask off, Greg. The quiet part isn’t even whispered anymore—it’s got a press release and a headshot.
You’re not hunting fugitives. You’re cosplaying as a sheriff in a spaghetti Western where democracy gets shot in the first scene.
We see you. And we brought quinoa.