119 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Way to go, Jared—bringing people together!

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Happy Monday Andy ! Such a unifying force, our Jared ! 😂Also, thanks for adding to my collection of colorful American epithets ! 😂😂💕

Katherine James's avatar

Bwah-hahahahahahaha

J Cheng's avatar

Is it just me who thinks he literally looks like he was shaped out of mashed potatos?

Marmo's avatar

Hey, J Cheng - I like mashed potatoes! Please don't ruin mashed potatoes.

How about: Made out of city snow the day after (notice the two brown dots)? Or maybe a pile of baby barf? Or a chunk of old yellow Play Doh?

Marmo's avatar

If Jaded brought people together, it was by mistake. Like his fa-in-law and his vapid wife, he thrives in the suffering of others.

Mike Hammer's avatar

Bummer for him, now put in charge of the Dickish Accord.

SCS - Michigan's avatar

Well played, Mike!

Al Gorythm's avatar

When you’re a Dick, you’re a Dick all the way

From your first penile implant to your last dying day.

When you’re a Dick, if the shit hits the fan,

Your father-in-law is the Depends wearing man

(With a wink and a nod to Jet Song from West Side Story)

Steve Lang's avatar

well, they were wrong about jd vance. he’s not a dick; he’s a dickhead.

Mike Hammer's avatar

And a shapeshifting grifter of the highest order.

Mary F Englebert's avatar

Let's try to be kinder to ol' JD. It's hard to know what you are when you can't even decide on what your name really is.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

And whrn you wake up every day waiting to receive your identity and talking points from Peter Thiel (aka Sauron)

Linda MacDonald's avatar

😂😂😂 Given the news about the sale of the Lakers ( there is a grift in this deal somewhere) sounds like Jarrod's brother Joshua may be in the running for the same designation! Well...their father...there is no end to all the crime families trump knows.

SCS - Michigan's avatar

Criminals of a feather 🪶

Linda MacDonald's avatar

Exactly. What a crowd of creeps.

Mary F Englebert's avatar

Lakers: a team sold by one grifter to two others thus doubling the number of grifters with which they're associated.

Linda MacDonald's avatar

Your math is perfect!

Michael Bowe's avatar

Don't forget to carry the grifter.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Doesn’t it gall you that the press, in announcing that the Lakers are being sold, described Joshua as a “Venture Capitalist,” as if he is a self-made man? The more proper description would be a member of the Kushner slumlord family. Here’s to hoping Jared’s investment fund performs as well as his purchase of 666 Fifth Ave in Manhattan, and Mohammed Bonesaw Man and the other Middle East sovereign wealth funds all want to exit his fund as the 🍊💩 exits the White House!

Linda MacDonald's avatar

I feel galled by the usual press daily.

Dr. No-No's avatar

I just saw that the person who sold the Lakers was already under federal investigation. I'm guessing that the investigation will magically go away now. 🤨

Mike Morris's avatar

Not so fast. Hezbollah insists that Kushner be called a "turnip-headed dipwad," and won't participate in peace talks until that terminology is adopted by all parties, including Kushner. ("I'm fine with it," says Jared. "It's nicer than anything my wife calls me.")

Bob Graham's avatar

Although, neither one can compete with our biggest dick head, DJT.

It's Come To This's avatar

You mean tiniest. The phrase "button mushroom" hasn't entered the lexicon for nothing, you know.

BTAM Master's avatar

Madlib of the day:

In major breakthrough, {Important Country} and {Influential Group} agree that {Member of Present Administration} is a dick

Ralph Porter's avatar

If it walks like a dick, swims like a dick, and quacks like a dick, it probably is a dick.

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

The Quacking Dick sounds like a good name for an ersatz English pub on one of Jared’s properties.

Taisa  Markus's avatar

Clever and the start of a 25 point peace plan - JD is an ass, Kushner is a dick, Witkoff is witless, Bessent is a thief, Kash is ugly, Donald is asleep......

Paul's avatar

Andy, was it a hard decision to select between the terms "schmeckle" or "schmuck"? I had always considered him to be more of a wanker, or an ass whole, then an ass hat.

Am I too polite?

Also, where do I get my TBR hat?

Robert Welker's avatar

Perhaps he’ll share the fate of the other Dick who claimed he was not a crook on his way out…

Bill Morgan's avatar

At least he respected the democracy to leave

Robert Welker's avatar

And government was strong enough to show him the door

Ian Findlay's avatar

Or Dick Cheney, except with the rifle pointing in the opposite direction.

Shannon Kincaid's avatar

Forget the peace process. I’m still trying to home in on what Jared Kushner looks like. I think wax-faced vampire doll sums it up pretty well. 🧛‍♂️

Anne Fletcher-Jones's avatar

I always thought of him as a Ken Doll along with wotsername the Barbie Doll. Plastic people.

Shannon Kincaid's avatar

COMPLETELY plastic!

Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

👍👍👍 Makes me want to vomit, Shannon. Almost as much as looking at agent orange and the muskrat's faces🤓🖖

Tirzah Mason's avatar

Jared(D model) and Ivanka ( C model) are both early Cylon models cut from the same design. Vance (SH model), was created from the leftover parts of previously failed models. C and D models are characterized by long necks, small mouths, arch shaped eye brows and vacant expressions. The models were discontinued when it was discovered that assemblers were unable to insert moral compasses into the models. Unfortunately, several units were released before the defects were discovered. Parts were subsequently consigned to the shit heap (SH). Models manufactured from these parts are available for a significantly reduced price.

Michael Bowe's avatar

Anyone know where can you pick up new eyeballs for the Patel $ model on the cheap?

Frank Luongo's avatar

In a surprise communication Ivanka Trump has signaled her agreement with the Hamas-Israel assessment of her husband. "You have no idea!" was her contribution.

Joanne Elizabeth Schulze's avatar

Unlike the other two dicks (Nixon and Cheney), Kushner had to work hard at being a dick, and he's not done yet.