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AVee. (Alexia)'s avatar

🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Excerpt

Patel had been planning to take the FBI’s Gulfstream G550 jet to a date-night rendezvous with his girlfriend, country singer Alexis Wilkins, but balked when he saw Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth at the cockpit controls.

Tommie's avatar

HAHAHAHA!!! Thanks for starting off my morning AGAIN with an outloud chuckle! You're the best, Andy!

Andy Borowitz's avatar

Happy you’re here to read what I’m writing!

Joann Anderson's avatar

Yes! Out loud morning chuckle. Something we all need to start the day!

Mike A's avatar

YES!! This one was chock full of morning LOL goodness!! 😆 😂🤣

Jay F's avatar

Don’t worry, we’ve detained that domestic terrorist “baby.”

Signed, K Noem, P Bondi, T Cotton

Annette's avatar

and its been sent to CECOT

LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

In the wake of the Stephen Colbert "equal time" scandal of last week, I keep thinking of how the Patels, Noems, and Hegseths of the world yearn for the celebrity perks of notoriety.

If only they would accept the challenge of appearing on night-time talk shows, they would swiftly learn that they simply don't have the intellect, the humor or the humility to survive a five-minute interview by a non-MAGA entity.

They would wither and expire under the heat of the lights and the hostile glares of the audience.

Randall Sorenson's avatar

They would just pull a 'Screaming Bondi' if they did show up.

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

Dave Barry‘s column, people suggest that certain phrases would be great band names. Let me contribute that here, the Screaming Bondis is a fantastic band name!

Celeste Hardway's avatar

Ooo, ooo, how about the Cookie Tossing Babies?

Guy McCandless's avatar

'Screaming Bondi', just perfect!

Mark P Howard's avatar

I'm thinking of referring to her as "Bondi Beach" as a reference to another "b" word, but I don't want to cast shade on one of my favorite spots near Sydney, Australia

Ann Rock's avatar

Or Bondi Bleach given the obvious source of her blonde hair…

LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

Yes, but imagine how the audience would boo and jeer. There would be no safe space for them. They would have to face the fact that most thinking Americans do NOT like them. At all. That their illusion of celebrity was just a deflated fantasy.

Annette's avatar

<standing ovation> truer words have not been written

It's Come To This's avatar

That's why they don't appear on late-night talk shows....

Christine B in NC's avatar

Thank you for the laugh, Andy! I need it this morning as I'm so disgusted that he was included in the Team USA mens' locker room as they celebrated their Olympic Gold. As a lifelong hockey fan who knows that it is an international sport, the betrayal his presence would represent to the NHL teammates of these players is pretty profound. Seeing him wearing someone's gold medal in the video clips felt like seeing Gollum wearing the ring at Grey Havens. Please tell me he wasn't invited!

Annette's avatar

I thought you were kidding about Kashyap being in Milan, but no . . . there he is, inserting himself in a celebration he has no right to - what possible business could he have in Milan for the FBI? Get your nasty little ass back to D.C. (yes, D.C., not Las Vegas) and DO YOUR DAMN JOB.

Susan Moss's avatar

Seeing a picture of that little creep upending a long neck in the locker room with those jubilant hockey players was absolutely pathetic. I wonder if he got them to sign his hat? PS Nancy Guthrie is still missing….. and the head of the FBI is in Italy over identifying with talented athletes. Just saying…

Elizabeth Greenlee's avatar

We're better off when he doesn't. Slightly. Very low bar.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

why did anyone member of Team USA give Patel a medal to wear?

Wait, he threatened to arrest them if they didn't...

Claudia Classon's avatar

Patel was probably trying to steal one to give to his “Dear Leader.”

Roland Saeger's avatar

According to the biopic "Lucky Loser" DJT would wear other kid's medals on dress parade in military school. We're all living through his unresolved mental health issues.

Claudia Classon's avatar

Sadly, many people have died as a result of his long [dirty] laundry list of issues…dare I say questionable sanity? More than daddy issues, more than dementia. Certifiable. Bonkers.

Cynthia Reifsnyder's avatar

pathetic then pathetic now

Ingrid Nyborg's avatar

This is why I wanted Canada to win.

I'm an American, born to Swedish immigrants and married to an American born to a Canadian immigrant. I love our country and am working and protesting for change. The thought of the evil, disgusting and horrible person who is the President of my country taking any kind of credit, especially on international television/media, for a USA win made men feel ill. That it came to pass is so very sad. On the other hand, our American lads played a fantastic game and deserved the win. They just didn't deserve the disrespect of that evil man in their locker room. Anyway, thanks, as always, Andy.

Robert E.'s avatar

He was on loan from Las Vegas as a token "cooler" for excessive celebrating.

Bill Morgan's avatar

Who paid to send him??

NEAL O'CONNOR's avatar

We did, us taxpayers, no doubt.

Peter Shaw's avatar

Maybe he thought the Canadians would arrest all the American “immigrants” for “illegally” defeating the Canadian team.

Jonathan Weker's avatar

That baby said it better than I ever could have.

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

omg, who’s in that 13%?

Sharon C Storm's avatar

Members of the cabinet.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

All reminded by chief babysitter Suze Wiles to vote for Kash

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

😂Happy Monday Andy ! This baby’s innate wisdom and instinctive reaction puts our mainstream media to shame ! 😉Thanks for the dose of sanity and sweet laughter! You’re the best ! 😂💕

Annette's avatar

I believe the children are our future!

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

I think this baby has the makings of a great humorist 😉💕!

J Cheng's avatar

Let them lead the way! One of my favorite songs Annette!

Ray Sturm's avatar

Is hie nickname "owly"? Does he ever close his eyes? He is as scary as everyone else on Dumpy's train to destruction.

Christina  A.'s avatar

He looks cross-eyed, indeed.

George Skardis's avatar

Patel has a condition called strabismus, commonly known as crossed eyes or a wandering eye. It's a condition where the eyes are misaligned and do not point in the same direction simultaneously. He would have had this 'streb' at birth and might have had corrective surgery. I know this personally having been born with 'streb'. Corrective surgery might need to be repeated as you grow. Sometimes, a minor misalignment is still obvious.

It's Come To This's avatar

Sadly, there is no comparable cure for being born nasty, dumb, obsequious and an oleaginous wormtongue.

Annette's avatar

but there are plenty of jobs in the current administration for those people.

Christina  A.'s avatar

I know. My son had this operation when he was 3 years old. - If the cross-eyedness were Patel's only misalignment ....

Mary Gilbert's avatar

That’s right, Christina-that is the least of his challenges.

Robert E.'s avatar

Well, when you pass gas and there's a lump in it...

Annette's avatar

I believe he also has wide open eyes tattooed on eyelids, so he always looks like he's watching . . . twerp.

Donna Fay's avatar

Trump should get wide open eyes tats so he could fall asleep every time someone else is speaking instead of him. All about what he has to say. No one else matters.

SummerGink's avatar

Kash must have stolen the idea from the 3 Stooges: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dD_f8KHCFdI

felice's avatar

love that "Dumpy's train to destruction." Just hope it comes really soon

Susan Moss's avatar

Nothing like a puking baby to separate the men from the boys

Sheryl Thompson's avatar

Forgive me for my serious tone because I appreciate your humor so much! How is anything going to change when maggots whose only loyalty is to dementia Don control the highest offices? Even when he croaks (soon please!) the dregs are still in place.

Andy Borowitz's avatar

It’s what’s known as a personalist regime. It won’t survive him. And btw about 40% of the country has always sucked. Millions voted for Hoover over FDR… during the Depression!

Sheryl Thompson's avatar

I hope you’re right! To most of us the fact that this bloated grifter managed to fool so many right from the start is beyond belief. I don’t care how many expert analysis I read about this - I will never understand.

Wendy S Morris's avatar

Me either, I marvel at the people who think tRump is our savior!

Edith Griffin's avatar

Have you read this? They "won" by cheating. Very clever cheating.

https://thiswillhold.substack.com/p/she-won-they-didnt-just-change-the

Elizabeth Greenlee's avatar

I believe this, but if it is true why isn't it more widely known? And what can possibly be done to stop such an ingenious plot? Scary, scary stuff.

Annette's avatar

thank you for that term, personalist regime; now I will have new words to describe the crumbling of tRump's playhouse

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Such a jolly bit of realism for my Monday morning. Thanks.

GingerLee's avatar

the demented one is their only light... once it's gone it's finger pointing and bumping into each other in the dark looking for the escape hatch...jd opens it and they flee

Annette's avatar

yay - and Jay Deviance will also be the one sitting next to the puking baby

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

He will cause the puking baby.

felice's avatar

like that "dementia Don" too

Michael Handley's avatar

He has his own emoji! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Crazy eyes Kash needs to be cashiered, along with tRump and the rest of his crazy train.

Joanne Elizabeth Schulze's avatar

That's the spirit--smart baby.

Nancy "Bee" Bayerle's avatar

Great play on words: SPIRIT as in airline.....lol

Meryl Lynn Straid's avatar

Perfect beginning read of the day! Thanks Andy!!

Yesterday evening I attended an interfaith sponsored candlelight vigil in Athens GA honoring all who have been impacted by deportations, and detentions. The names of those who have died in ICE custody and detention centers were read while the crowd withstood 20 mph wind gusts and so many candles shone. We protested the impending construction of a new detention center in nearby Social Circle GA. They are aiming for it to hold 5700 people. We sang the new protest songs in English and Spanish. It was sobering and inspiring.👏✊❤️‍🩹💙💙💙

Annette's avatar

thank you <3

JerryBier's avatar

The baby would be a better pick to head the FBI.