345 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

On another topic, Trump should stop looking to build giant monuments to himself and start looking for another country that will grant him asylum

Stephen Brady's avatar

Maybe Unca Vlad could get him a double-wide somewhere out in Eastern Siberia…

Octavia Redwood's avatar

with a lot of gold trim

Suzy Fraser's avatar

If vlad will have him, I'll donate the gold spray paint.

Purobi Phillips's avatar

And I will donate a truck load of adult diapers.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

And hot Russian maids!

John Townsend's avatar

No, big, old, ex-Olympic female shot-putters who will boss him around, feed him swill and not put up with his garbage!

Gabriele C Overweg's avatar

Are you sure one would be able and know what to do with them? Believe this train has left the station some time ago.

Imogen Howe's avatar

Let's rethink that! They've suffered too much already.

John Townsend's avatar

--that'll flake off in the blizzards!

Bob Graham's avatar

More likely is a condo in Moscow on a high floor with a balcony.

Lee Hodo's avatar

Can you imagine the thud that body would make hitting the pavement?

Octavia Redwood's avatar

I think the landing would not be a thud but a squish

John Townsend's avatar

--with orange goo spreading ever outward in a wide circle!

D ODonnell's avatar

Icky but perfect …

Deb's avatar

Ha ha, the earthquake heard round the world…..

M. Wolff's avatar

Poor pavement.

John Townsend's avatar

--yet with Trump's padding, he would only bounce!

Penny Pawl's avatar

I imagine him more in the vast desert with lots of golf courses and hotels.

John Townsend's avatar

--like Sakhalin! Have Trump become acquainted with Ainu cuisine!

Stephen Brady's avatar

I think ‘Papillion’ is a better way to go. Let him eat roaches for the rest of his life.

MLK's avatar

Let him starve to death.

D ODonnell's avatar

That would be so ironically fitting. And no ketchup within 1-3,000 miles.

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

I really don’t trust that he will ever get justice. He can keep lawyers employed for far longer than he’ll be alive challenging charges. I’m so cynical these days.

WENDL Kornfeld's avatar

Yes, you can keep lawyers employed forever if you know you're never going to pay them.

Franca Garofalo's avatar

He doesn’t need to hire lawyers; he has the entire justice department working for him. (And the Supreme Court in his pocket!)

Annette's avatar

with all these headlines, it makes it easier to know what parts of the government need to be revised once he leaves office

Debra L Breen's avatar

True. In far too many ways he is untouchable prosecution-wise, but his reputation and public opinion in general is beyond saving. Even some of his acolytes have fallen out of love.

John Townsend's avatar

--next to the alleged diapers he wears underneath!

GingerLee's avatar

the lawyers are either paid by us/US or they are the ones he threatened and they gave him "free" services worth multi millions

MLK's avatar

After this era, the geads of Paul, Weiss and Skadden, Arps, etc. should have the law licenses revoked. There's an ethics component to being members of the bar....

D ODonnell's avatar

What does geads mean? Heads?

Annette's avatar

but perhaps, on the bright side, we can ensure that all those attorneys, working months and months even after that glorious day of his death, will be paid from his estate . . . Andy mentioned the family should be responsible financially for correcting all the damage tRump has done, but I believe anyone he's ever stiffed should also be reimbursed for their services. And in doing that, Eric will be working at Home Depot, Ivanka will be hawking perfumes at Macy's and Don Jr . . . well, he has no redeeming employment qualities, so let him go on unemployment.

Susan from OC's avatar

Or they can all go to prison for their roles in his crimes. Let's not forget Jared, too!

John Townsend's avatar

Father has orange hair, children wear orange jumpsuits......

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Don Jr. can be bait for a trophy hunt

D ODonnell's avatar

Fabulous idea!

What a great thread here and it’s just started. Y’all are on a roll today. Very amusing & entertaining.

Andy’s really inspired right now.

M. Wolff's avatar

Let Don Jr. be the trophy and have his head mounted on a disgusting outhouse wall.

John Townsend's avatar

Product idea! Trump and his sons' pictures on dartboards to be sold online!

Robert E.'s avatar

Maybe he could look for critters at the cement pond. Right Elly?

Annette's avatar

Wee, doggie! And he can gift Bettina a big bottle of vanilla from Walmart as perfume.

Kim D's avatar

Pretty sure that's what giving $500 million in Venezuelan oil money to Qatar is all about. His escape plan.

D ODonnell's avatar

Go now, would be my choice.

Peter Shaw's avatar

To this point, the only place he could find was Antarctica. Being hopelessly dyslexic, Trump is taking Marco Rubio with him to translate Penguin.

Robert S Hunter's avatar

He’s already levied tariffs on those islands with penguins, and seals, but no humans. Seals don’t forget.

Bob Graham's avatar

Actually, little Marco is a penguin.....

MLK's avatar

Now littler than ever.

John Townsend's avatar

--while Marco just waves his fins hopelessly!

J Cheng's avatar

If another country won't give him asylum, he'll have to settle for the kind of asylum that comes with free white jackets with long sleeves.

Annette's avatar

<standing ovation> they're coming to take me away, hehe

Susan E Keezer's avatar

I hear the dialogue from "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest," while Nicholson is waiting on the bench before his final shock treatment. In the real world, American citizens are not waiting on a bench, but we are are being shocked over and over.

Thank God it is NOT destroying us because we are strong and resilient. We do not cave in before bullies. Or bow to false kings.

MLK's avatar

Yeah, we don't cave, but the heads of major law firms do. Go figure: $$$?

D ODonnell's avatar

Brava, Susan.

John Townsend's avatar

Of course, he would be able to afford that while the much of the mentally ill are homeless!

D ODonnell's avatar

Tragically true.

It's Come To This's avatar

Everything about this shabby, petty, pissy, tiny man and his fetish for gigantism and gilt just screams MY LITTLE PENIS.

Annette's avatar

I sense a new toy in the works, replacing My Little Pony, for MAGA sheepeople. A gold painted mushroom on a minuscule stalk, mounted on a plastic base, with a screen printed caption: I am a bigly genius

Lee Hodo's avatar

We’ll look at those pudgy little hands. A dead giveaway.

John Townsend's avatar

--and psychological and corporeal bloat!

Erik Bruun's avatar

Or sewer holes and septic tanks.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

far more appropriate

Franca Garofalo's avatar

His son in law has some great plans for his villa in Gaza.

Annette's avatar

Slender Man never had a chance at being a real boy; his father and father-in-law are both convicted criminals. And he married his father-in-law's dream date. I believe his manly orbs are probably in Ivanka's purse.

D ODonnell's avatar

“Slender Man!”

“Manly orbs…”

Genius.

I’d call him Slender Boy or Stick Man as well.

Mark D Olson's avatar

That would be a great place for him as long as they end the cease fire agreement.

Jim Mole's avatar
7hEdited

He enjoys dressing like a penguin in a tux. He'd fit right in at Antarctica.

Mark D Olson's avatar

I would just hate to see Antarctica spoiled that way.

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

Let’s have Randy Andy testify under oath when he gets here!

Anathema Addams's avatar

I boldly predict that Trump will evade justice through the simple expedient of dying. Perhaps he should be planning monuments in Hell...

Annette's avatar

I just hope the American people are not deprived of getting to watch his descent into Hell. I vote for a slow, painful demise. (Snarky Annette has taken over my keyboard).

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Hurrah for Snarky Annette!

D ODonnell's avatar

Ditto; she’s on a roll, again. Loving it.

MLK's avatar

How about an excruciating but relatively quick death?

Jim Mole's avatar

They might be able to keep his head alive in a jar like Mr. Burns on the Simpsons.

Renee Collins's avatar

or his brain...A.B.Normal...

Elizabeth Greenlee's avatar

Don't think he has one.

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Very much like "A.B.Normal" ---we need to dissect that brain (and a whole host of others) to find out if the family that "plays" together, preys together. Sure seems likely.

Annette's avatar

please, no, we've seen enough of that face

Pamela Massey's avatar

Maybe Saddam Hussein rathole is still available!

Michael Bowe's avatar

Actually they referred to it as a "spider hole", which I never understood. He was in a septic tank, where he belonged. Why did the media cut him a break?

MLK's avatar

A septic tank is a perfect resting place for Dump.

Pamela Massey's avatar

Well the part about it being a septic tank is great … so fitting

Susan Gray's avatar

The choice of countries will, I think, be limited. Even Russia, which took in Assad, would have good reason to hesitate.

John  (NJ-VT)'s avatar

There are plenty, North Korea, Russia, Saudi, Epstein Island, and Pleasure Island. The later being the cruelest - transforming into a donkey!

Annette's avatar

he just needs the hooves and the tail; he's already an ass

John Townsend's avatar

Not to mention all the loud braying!

MLK's avatar

Excellent!

Shannon Kincaid's avatar

I feel like that's why he's got an offshore acct now... #hopeful

Annette's avatar

let's hope it gets hacked the day he leaves office . . . wouldn't that be a hoot?

D ODonnell's avatar

Or now if there’s a hacker brave enough.

Mary Gilbert's avatar

Imagine how gold that cold toilet will feel in the middle of the night.

Al Gorythm's avatar

If child sexual abuse can turn a prince into a former prince, it can turn a president into a former president.

Al Keim's avatar

Tangentially sine too.

D ODonnell's avatar

Groaaaaan. Pun City

Anthony Hughes, PhD's avatar

He should already be a former president in another world.

Helena Handbasket's avatar

. . . on another planet.

Ellen Nordstrom's avatar

Well said! We'll take it; we'll take it!

GingerLee's avatar

the felonies should have done that...

The Rickster's avatar

Turn ‘em all into frogs.

It's Come To This's avatar

Since they’re already toads that shouldn’t prove too difficult.

Wis's avatar
4hEdited

Amen, Al - I wish trump had a sensible brother who could shut him down, but our congress/Supreme Court are all we have, and they have no decency or integrity.

So, We the People are doing what we can!!

Annette's avatar

<standing ovation> with a whooping "hell yeah" in there for good measure

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Thank you, Al, for a lovely thought.

Al Gorythm's avatar

New reality show: Anus and Andy

It's Come To This's avatar

Now that was just bloody brilliant….. 👏👏👏

Joanne Rideout's avatar

And the award for best comment ever goes to…

Annette's avatar

Al, you're winning the internet today (and my heart <3)

Robot Bender's avatar

You won the internet for today.

John Townsend's avatar

--The White House as the Big Brother House?

Al Gorythm's avatar

These bros need to go Directly to the Big House. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect 200.

Sheryl Thompson's avatar

I laugh whenever I hear Trump threaten a lawsuit about Epstein comments. Not many guarantees in life but here’s one. Trump will never ever file a lawsuit about the Trump/Epstein partnership.

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

I hadn’t thought of that! He could sue Epstein’s estate. He’s so money-hungry, I bet he’d do it. Or at least it would make a good SNL skit.

Sheryl Thompson's avatar

He will never file any Epstein related law suit. Because any lawsuit requires discovery - documents and witnesses.

Robyn Boyer's avatar

Charles is coming to visit? Oh nooooo. Please, stay in the palace. Leave well enough alone. Do not give Trump any credibility. Do not mistake a state visit with anything other than an attempt to extort the UK into some knotted deal. Have some self-respect and stay clear of the man. He will take you down with him.

Jane Gutsell's avatar

I totally agree. I sincerely hope the king will cancel his visit. He has many legitimate reasons to do so.

Patty Bohart's avatar

I cringe when I think about what the schools will teach from this period of disgrace.

Ellen Nordstrom's avatar

Let's hope the Republican Party is either something from yesteryear by then, or... regroups/morphs into a healthier bipartisan grouping if honest individuals with integrity...well...I DID say "Let's hope..." Maybe they will make a book of fables about them...or a Harry Potter-like saga about good vs. the alternative.

Annette's avatar

and tRump should become "He Who Shall Not be Named"

Candy C's avatar

I’ve been using that moniker whenever I mention him in comments!

Ellen Nordstrom's avatar

Trust me! I've been calling him that for years among other names! 😉

Molly BERNARD's avatar

This will sound like a good-news /bad-news joke, I think. A few months after 9/11, my room of about 30 students were talking about how our country would never recover from the horrible events of that day. I said that all things pass, and of course, because they were teenagers, they insisted that I was wrong. I said, “Pearl Harbor Day was yesterday. How many of you remembered that?” A few kids raised their hands. “How many of you care about it.” Nobody raised a hand. The bad news: it was just historical material that they had to learn until the test. (Maybe a few would think about it more seriously.). The good news: since we came out the other end with victory, they could see it as just historical material that they had to learn for the test - no matter how traumatic it was for those who lived through it. I’m desperately hoping our current situation dissolves into that category for future generations of high schoolers. They too will get serious about it when they mature, but all things pass. If we do our part now, God grant us victory in this crisis, too.

Patty Bohart's avatar

Wise words!

Thanks for going into the noble profession of teaching!

Annette's avatar

thank you for this message, Molly . . . there's always hope

John Townsend's avatar

Let us hope and affirm there will be enough left after Trump to remember.......

Wis's avatar

Molly, you are a great teacher! Thank you for your wonderful perspective!

Annette's avatar

I hope textbooks cover this period of time as enthusiastically and violently as tRump has removing sections of our history from museums and parks.

carol corsaro's avatar

I hope we don’t forgive or forget how this government and the officials treated people.

MLK's avatar

I hope this era will be remembered and taught in a manner akin to the Third Reich in Germany.

Erika Rosenfeld's avatar

Forget textbooks--have the students read primary source materials, including those that contradict one another, and then develop arguments about which to trust. They need to acquire the skills necessary for thoughtful citizenship.

Lee Roscoe's avatar

Testbooks, what textbooks? They will all have been removed and burned by the obermeisters.

John Townsend's avatar

--or, having done away regular books, edit the near-future Kindle-like reading machines constantly to suit their tastes. "1984", anyone?

Barbara Longbrook's avatar

I’m a retired teacher, and think that all curricula will be online

In the not too distant future.🫤

BTAM Master's avatar

That depends on who writes it.

John Townsend's avatar

We just cringe and cringe already!

Carole Weintraub's avatar

Very practical advice. Would guess Charles isn’t real excited about meeting with trump.

Jim Mole's avatar

He should wear a hazmat suit and be covered with talismans.

John Townsend's avatar

--blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury who will undoubtedly think about Charlesto himself, "Better you than me!"

Al Keim's avatar

Seems like old times🎶

Golden Rule's avatar

Such a succinct & yet to the point post. Brevity does the job in skewering 2 horrible men

It's Come To This's avatar

One never did anything. The other can’t do anything.

Rosemary Ehle's avatar

This could be true. Charles is witty, self-deprecating and a charmer. I'm sure he thinks Trump is a lumpen bozo, same as Andrew.

Robert S Hunter's avatar

But not a prince about keeping marriage vows either.

Elizabeth Block's avatar

That's not really fair. Everyone else loved Diana, but Charles didn't. Camilla is the love of his life, always was, but he wasn't allowed to marry her because she wasn't "queen material." Among other things, she was divorced.

The rules for royal marriages have changed since then.

John Townsend's avatar

Maybe the rules don't use people as much as was Diana?

Not counting on it!

Octavia Redwood's avatar

and a total momma's boy

It's Come To This's avatar

Point of picky nit. I always thought only the eldest is a Windsor. All the others are plain old Mountbatten, no Windsor. Anybody know?

Sarah McAuliffe-Bellin's avatar

Political parties only care about power. The GOP will do whatever it can to keep this pedo out of jail. In a normal world if there’s such a thing, any member of congress would be prosecuted for protecting a pedophile, instead they protect him and all the big tech bros making billions.

Margie Gibson's avatar

And don’t forget Melania—Andrew and Melania must go far back, too.

Annette's avatar

wouldn't tRump lose his mind if he thought he had Andrew's seconds

D ODonnell's avatar

She was apparently many men’s seconds. Model, my ass. Try paid escort.

Octavia Redwood's avatar

what a horrible thought

Dick Eger's avatar

It is likely that the former Prince, Andrew, perhaps on a trip to "The Island", had rubbed shoulders (or other body parts) with Jeffrey Epstein's bestie, Donald J. Trump. Just two entitled guys, looking for some fun. While ordinary boys were in the street playing stick ball, these two were hoping to get their balls sticky.

Jay F's avatar

Hilarious. (Unfortunately)

David Starkey's avatar

Dump would be very happy hearing that the King was sending his brother in his place. As Dumpy might gleefully exclaim…

“Andy Pandy is coming to play!”

Michele Clark's avatar

I met a traveller from an antique land

Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone

Stand in the desart.[d] Near them, on the sand,

Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,

And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,

Tell that its sculptor well those passions read

Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,

The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:

And on the pedestal these words appear:

"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:

Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

No thing beside remains. Round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare

The lone and level sands stretch far away.

— Percy Shelley, "Ozymandias", 1819 edition[16]

carol corsaro's avatar

Perfect reminder of how history smooths over these motley men!

Michael Bowe's avatar

And best episode of Breaking Bad!

D ODonnell's avatar

Thank you for this.

Concerned Citizen's avatar

If Charles does come over, I will lose all respect for him not that I have much to begin with