454 Comments
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Sandy Marsh's avatar

I thought he was already in one😵‍💫

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Barbara Vasile's avatar

I swear that was my first thought, after laughing out loud

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Phil M.'s avatar

He's a new kind of zombie. The walking brain dead.

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Linda MacDonald's avatar

The Squeaker and my brain dead maga rep. I've come to believe these folks are the walking dead.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

Will his head still bobble whenever tRump speaks?

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John Townsend's avatar

It will still bobble up and down in total agreement with Trump, with lips puckered

to deep-kiss.

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Jay Jay Eh's avatar

You’re thinking of Mike Pence! AKA ‘Mr. Bobblehead’!

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JeffJ's avatar
18hEdited

Anyone else willing to give up swearing in Adelita Grijalva permanently if Maga Mike will stay in a permanent coma? (P.S. Just kidding but if Mikey’s out, would a “Speaker Pro Tempore” take over for him — and who might that be?)

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Sarah Krall's avatar

Reading too quickly, I thought you were asking if I was willing to give up swearing. Hah!

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John Townsend's avatar

Well, that's not happening for at three plus years!

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Jocelyn B's avatar

For a moment I did too! Ha!

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Nancy Da Haus's avatar

I would totally give up swearing for that. However that would mean giving up my identity as a C.U. Next Tuesday. I don’t know what would become of me.🤷🏻‍♀️

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Denise Bleak's avatar

You’re adorable

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JeffJ's avatar

Hah! See my edited comment…

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Nancy Da Haus's avatar

Thanks!

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Susan Barnes's avatar

Evangelical Christians don’t swear.

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MLK's avatar

Instead of swearing, they fuck their country.

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John Townsend's avatar

with no pleasure or orgasm from any of the fifty states!

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John Townsend's avatar

Right! Their obscenities are more deeply rooted and more harmful!

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Brenda Reiss's avatar

Or so they say

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Al Keim's avatar

I'm trying to recall if Dante had a circle for fraudulent followers.

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felice's avatar

Bull!!

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John Townsend's avatar

No one good!

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Marjorie's avatar

I started to write the exact same comment!!!

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Arlene Moorehead's avatar

Great comment you are right.

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John Townsend's avatar

To riff of of "Virgin Monk Boy", a fellow TBR-er, that's simply substitute youth pastor

mealy-mouth!

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D.S. Ullery's avatar

Beat me to it. 😆😆😆😆

👏👏👏👏

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Janet Brown's avatar

Ha!!!

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Janele Johnson's avatar

Well, damnit, Mr Borowitz, yet again, you’ve succeeded in leading me to the NOT pretty sight of spewing my drink in a public place while reading your headline….and then being kindly asked by a young waiter if I’m “okay” and was I “laughing or crying”? Hell, I’m not sure I understand the difference anymore. But thank you anyway!

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Susan Barnes's avatar

Coffee spitting has become an Olympic sport at our house.

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J Cheng's avatar

great idea! let's send a suggestion to the Olympic Committee to add coffee spitting!

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Alan's avatar

Susan -- Regular or decaf?

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Janele Johnson's avatar

I’m not alone then! 😍

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Susan Gilbert-Collins's avatar

There's no greater compliment than the spit take. Well done, Andy!!

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Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Annette's avatar

Janele ~ caffeine spewing may became a new Olympic sport . . . and I believe, is now an official characteristic of any TBRer. I proudly consider myself one of them and have the roll of paper towels at the ready, to prove it :)

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Joseph T. Babcock's avatar

Mike Johnson is the lowest form of life almost as low as Trump.

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Leslie's avatar

No Stephen Miller still reigns supreme as tue lowest firm of life. He is the engineer of all of this crap.

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Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

Don't forget Russell Voight! HE really is the evil brain behind this. Dilldi Head Miller wants to get rid of POC.

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

Don't forget Peter Theil!

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Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

Yeah, he and his money inserting all these tools!.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

They are all the lowest form of shit! And now Pam Bondi and Earl Bove are going to “settle” Trump’s claims of frivolous litigation against him by the newly renamed Department of Vengeance and pay the 🍊💩$230 million. Hopefully congress doesn’t approve the appropriation, no democrat senators should approve it!

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Vicki Bacal's avatar

Must admit, I agree with you on 'snake in the grass' Miller. 🐍 However, the religious hypocrite, t-Rump syncophant, & liar well deserves the Runner Up title.

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Leslie's avatar

Fully agree. Suspect it's not just Trump he is concerned about. Remember PizzaGate? It's been my observation the GOP has a history of creating conspiracy theories based on what they actually are doing. Kind of like the adulterous spouse who accuses their spouse of cheating when it's really them. Analyze Qanon FOX and GOP news scoops over time. Look at the recent DOJ actions then compare the charges to The Fascist in Chief's. Real Estate fraud, confidential document theft etc. Then listen to their propaganda. I just can't see how MagaWorld is so snowed and oblivious. Especially now.

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nacreplus2's avatar

Absolutely!!! I have been seeing the same pattern. "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." ~Maya Angelou. I think "projection" should be the word of the year.

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Leslie's avatar

If you listen hard enough someone will tell you their bad intentions

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Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

What gets me is you don't really have to listen that hard. As Hubble said today, they figure if they do their corruption right out in public, they can just say politics as usual.

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Annette's avatar

I truly believe there is a special place in hell for all of this administration . . . from tRump all the way down to Stepford Christian wife and republican sweetheart, Katie Britt (who seems to be inserting herself into as many photo ops as she can).

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susie margaret ross's avatar

stephen miller, spawn of the devil, wins by a landslide.

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Mary Roeser's avatar

Miller's so bad, Satan won't even claim he knows who Miller is.

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John Townsend's avatar

Almost, yet the difference measured in centimeters!

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Annette's avatar

he, and Miller, are lower than tRump, even if just logistically, because they're closer to the ground. Wonder what Ernie, the Keebler Elf, would think of being paired with a vampire? Bet he can't pull his cross out of his bible fast enough.

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It's Come To This's avatar

Well that makes sense. I had heard he was lying face down in his office, feigning death, hoping the reporters would sense the awkwardness of the moment and just leave.

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Phil M.'s avatar

He probably made just as much sense to the reporters while feigning death as when fully upright and seemingly conscious????

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John Townsend's avatar

Yep, that's right!

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂. Remember that Far Side cartoon?😂😂

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It's Come To This's avatar

I think that was my inspiration!

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

I love and miss The Far Side! Gary Larson had me in stitches for years❣️ Sooo good! I hope Gary is happy somewhere 🙏…he sure contributed to the planets and it’s inhabitants welfare❣️🙏

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nacreplus2's avatar

Gary Larson and "The Far Side" are alive and well:

https://www.thefarside.com/

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

Oh thank you…I had read/heard that Gary became a recluse and disillusioned with people simply grabbing his art without his permission.Which I get. Too many are artists taken advantage of. Is this an official site then? Do you know if Gary Larson benefits financially? I know there are many places that just fleece his genius and hard work. Thanks 🙏

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nacreplus2's avatar

He did for a while. https://www.thefarside.com/about explains that it really is for real and https://www.thefarside.com/about/48/a-letter-from-gary-larson is a letter from Gary Larson explaining his journey.

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Annette's avatar

the "prison for the mentally deranged" is most appropriate.

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Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

Yes, I get a Far Side calendar every year. Although some are oldies but goodies, I get a laugh every day.

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John Townsend's avatar

--while now we live on the Far Side of Ding-battery and Dumbassery!

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Don't forget ratfuckery! And batshittery!

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

He lies whether he's face down, doing push-ups, or peeling a banana. And always when he's breathing.

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Phil M.'s avatar

Butt how could he keep lying while face down? Why, he was talking out his ass, of course. It smells the same either way...

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Annette's avatar

he lies when he opens his mouth . . . how he doesn't break out in a fit of laughter with some of the sh*t he says, is beyond me

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Wis's avatar

😅 lmao!! Great one, Come To This!

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John Townsend's avatar

Instead, they just laughed! One reporter wanted to throw his shoe to revive him!

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Mary Kreeger's avatar

AB….there are times I consider leaving my husband for you!!!!🥰

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Thank you! Although I’m not sure how my wife would feel about that 😀

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Cindy Froggatt's avatar

I don’t have a husband to leave, but I would love to find a husband as clever and funny as you!

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Chris Edwards's avatar

That may be tough because Andy has set the bar very high.

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Susan Stone's avatar

I have a husband who is quite funny. Not as funny as AB, but he's great at word play and being silly. Which I love.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Silliness is a greatly under-rated quality and tops in my book!

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Frances López's avatar

Indeed. One of the reasons I liked the late Steve Allen. He was not afraid to be silly. Also why I like all the Pink Panther movies. Where is Inspector Clouseau when he is needed, to be investigating at Mar-a-Lago, the White House & smuggled aboard Air Force One? We need a hero, even a bumbling one.

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Susan Stone's avatar

I agree with you completely. Silliness helps keep us sane.

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Annette's avatar

I can appreciate that, Susan. I've always said my husband didn't have a sense of humor, until he met me. And after 46+ years together, he's doing quite well for himself.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Very happy to hear that Annette. Not everyone manages to gain a sense of humor. My older step-son's now ex wife was one of those. And I have a sister who will never have a sense of humor - not too surprising for a sociopath.

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

♥️ 🐆. I love that Susan! So glad you found your ♥️one to cruise 🚢 with ❣️

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂. Me too. I‘m not leaving my dog 🐾 🐾 but I‘d move the earth, Andy to find a smart, funny intelligent man who thinks I’m witty too. While the wish list is out -integrity and loyalty are essential 😂😂

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Way way back in the day, in one of my college classes the instructor asked us to list 10 character traits that we believed essential to a good relationship / marriage. At the top of most of the other students' lists was good-looking (handsome or pretty or even beautiful) followed by things like handiness, fun, smart ... #1 on my list was moral and ethical integrity, followed by compassion, kindness, sense of humor... I was the only one in the class who thought these attributes were important. *sigh*

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

I‘m with you, Floofie❣️😂😂

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Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

I found one just like that and he joined the stardust almost 5 years ago. I miss him every day. Keep looking and if you find one, hold on tight!

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

♥️ 💫 ⭐️. I can feel someone winking 😉 from up above, Pam❣️⭐️💫⭐️. Take good care and thanks for the sweet words ❣️🙏

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

♥️♥️♥️

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Annette's avatar

<3

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Jon Spangler's avatar

Floofie - Did you find a guy who matched your criteria?

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

I did, even before I knew those were my criteria -- but alas, there were external forces that parted us, and after that, well, no one else came close enough. He was lovely though -- kinda looked like Igor in Young Frankenstein, had bony legs and wore squeaky sandals, and had an acute wit & quick mind, was so kind and loving to all he encountered, wanted window boxes with geraniums, and danced with me in the kitchen and and made amazing art. He was a sweetheart, and I so wish we could have been together through the years and not just for such an ephemerally brief time...

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John Townsend's avatar

You were the only advanced one in the class!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Elizabeth, I found one like that almost 18 years ago (we've been married just over 17). I don't think I had a conscious wish list, but those are the characteristics I was looking for, and someone who was trustworthy. I had an easy test for the latter: how he handled knowledge of my difficult past. He passed that test with flying colors. I met my husband on a world cruise, on an excursion in the jungles of Panama. You never know where you will find the right person.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

What a lovely, wonderful story, Susan! ♥️ And 2 excellent criteria -- trustworthiness and how one handles knowledge of a difficult past -- and very important for so many of us.

And yep, you never know where you will find the right person... Keep the heart open...

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

♥️

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Jon Spangler's avatar

Elisabeth - I wish you all the best in your search. Linda found me 37+ years ago and seems to think I have these qualities. Never give up!

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

Well! How sweet are you! Thanks, Jon! That is so nice of you to say❣️🙏

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

hahahaha 😂. Andy, I’m pretty sure we all know how your wife feels about that!!! 😂😂

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John Townsend's avatar

A harem in New Hampshire?

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Jan's avatar

I’ve thought the same. And I’m from Utah, so maybe multiple spouses?

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Mary Kreeger's avatar

That’s another story…!!!!🙃

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂. ♥️

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Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂

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Jim Yoder's avatar

I swear I have seen Cheren (children) from Louisiana that have more brains that this goombah has.

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Peter Scott's avatar

Forrest Gump comes to mind…

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John Townsend's avatar

Mr. Gump was not malicious!

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Jim Yoder's avatar

At least Forest had the sense to RUN

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John Townsend's avatar

Mike Johnson-from the swamps of Louisiana to make an even more smelly swamp in D.C.!

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MLK's avatar

A TV remote has more circuits than Squeaker Johnson.

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John Townsend's avatar

So does my electric shaver!

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

But not more teeth.

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Annette's avatar

I've seen dogs and cats with more brains!

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Deborah Reed's avatar

Squeaker of the house😂

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Annette's avatar

I love that . . . so appropriate for the little rat

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Cindy Froggatt's avatar

He’s such a loyal foot-soldier in the war against Epstein’s ghost!

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CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

Little Johnson: the Pedophile Protector

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William R MEYER's avatar

It still amazes me how someone who espouses such religious basics can sign on to such amorality and not explode from the cognitive dissonance.

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John Townsend's avatar

It has exploded within his skull and turned his brain to mush!

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Annette's avatar

that's a prerequisite for any person brought into the administration - mushy brains and no conscience.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Ah yes, that explains it, and the gruel leaking out from his noggin's orifices.

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Annette's avatar

<snort laugh> the imagery is both disgusting and hilarious "gruel leaking out from his noggin's orifices"

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William R MEYER's avatar

I love you Floofie.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Aw, shucks.

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Annette's avatar

does he have a contract with his son about that too?

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Connie Deschamps's avatar

So darn clever thank you FOR A MUCH NEEDED MOMENT OF HILARITY

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Ada Fuller's avatar

A coma? He should have just donated his brain, which apparently he doesn’t need, to be studied under a microscope!

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Wendy Tucker's avatar

He can't donate his brain. He doesn't have one.

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Beth's avatar

At least it isn't worm-eaten (that we know of) ...

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John Townsend's avatar

Maybe RFK, jr. shared his worm......

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

A study which would take a matter of seconds.

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John Townsend's avatar

If that long!

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Gary Farrar's avatar

What's really clever about his strategy is that no one will be able to tell.

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MLK's avatar

Squeaker Johnson is incognito alive or dead.

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Robert E.'s avatar

Sporting the cadaver white drained of blood image daily.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

😂😂😂 So true! That tricksy little rat-effer.

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Jessie's avatar

Love this. Do you think that the doc's could 'overdose' him and make it permanent, allowing another Speaker to be elected that is pro democracy?

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Octavia Redwood's avatar

after 11/26 we will have Speaker Jeffries

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Carole Barrett's avatar

From your keyboard to God's ears.

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Kathleen D. Pierce's avatar

Lawd Praying!

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John Townsend's avatar

Sing out "hallelujah" and rattle that tambourine!

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John Townsend's avatar

Yes, please! Yes to any Democrat! Yes to AOC!

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John Townsend's avatar

The cauldron of conspiracy bubbles forth both continually and anew......

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Said very Shakespeare-ingly! Well done!

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Dave Lassen's avatar

Johnson's been in a self induced coma in order to support the orange one. Karma is coming for them all.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Can we put a rush on that, please?

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John Townsend's avatar

in a battlefield tank? A trip down stairs? A falling White House chandelier? A chunk of cement flung from the ballroom construction? A tilting-in-the-wind yellow umbrella

from the paved patio that was the Rose Garden?

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Those will do, but I sure was kinda hoping for a swift kick in the ass that lands him in the pokey along with all the rest of tRUMP's nefariously malignant minions.

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MB Matthews, she/her's avatar

EPSTEIN EPSTEIN EPSTEIN

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Peter Scott's avatar

Here’s wishing that it’s a long, long, medically induced coma. A “Speaker”, who is unable to speak.

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Frances López's avatar

I envision a Chatty Cathy doll with a voice box implanted in her/his back. You pull the ring attached to a string & it activates pithy sayings, some of which might even be true. "My name is ________."

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Peter Scott's avatar

Like the alter-ego of “Chuckie”.

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Larry Caringer's avatar

So good to know our tax dollars are at work.

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