Mike Johnson Opts for Medically Induced Coma to Avoid Swearing in New Democratic Congresswoman

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “the nuclear option,” House Speaker Mike Johnson opted on Tuesday to enter a medically induced coma to avoid swearing in newly elected Democratic congresswoman Adelita Grijalva.

Johnson spoke to reporters at Walter Reed Army Medical Center moments before doctors administered pentobarbital through an intravenous tube connected to his left hand.

“I’m doing this as a last resort,” he said. “I was really hoping that people would forget about the Epstein files or that the Rapture would happen, but no such luck.”

A Republican colleague who visited Johnson’s bedside hours after he fell into the coma said that the Speaker “seemed like his usual self.”

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Last Chance to See my Show!

With Sen. Adam Schiff in New York City. (Ben Gabbe/Getty Images for The New Yorker)

ONLY A FEW TICKETS LEFT! Let’s keep the No Kings energy going! This Friday I’ll be offering the FINAL PERFORMANCE of An Evening of Sanity at the lovely McCarter Theatre Center in Princeton, NJ.—an easy train ride from NYC.

It’ll be a mix of comedy, conversation, and Q & A with the audience. Plus, I’ll be signing books afterward, so I’ll get a chance to meet you! Grab your tickets here:

Love,

Andy