The Borowitz Report

The Borowitz Report

National Guard Refuses to Go to Chicago, Citing Bone Spurs

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Andy Borowitz
Aug 26, 2025
∙ Paid
Kent Nishimura / Los Angeles Times via Getty Images

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Complicating Donald J. Trump’s plan to send troops to Chicago, on Tuesday thousands of National Guard members called in sick with bone spurs.

The White House was plunged into chaos after receiving over seven thousand notes from guardsmen’s podiatrists, sources said.

At the…

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