497 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

She told reporters that she wants to spend more time with her family. But has anyone consulted her family?

Helena Handbasket's avatar

Does this give her more time with Corey Lewandowski?

Andy Borowitz's avatar

He just dumped her via text.

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Andy , For once , I hope you are not being your truthful self!😉I so want these two deplorable creeps to be saddled with each other (shotguns and all) for life ! 😂

Anathema Addams's avatar

Seriously? I mean, who can tell these days.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

It said “Honey, I go both ways”

Virginia's avatar

Did he shove her out of the plane door?

Jerr's avatar

No, the pilot she fired and rehired did.

Janeo's avatar

He threw her blanket out behind her though.

Mark Asquino's avatar

Actually, the pilot bailed and told Corey he could fly the plane.

Robot Bender's avatar

Her reply: "I'm pregnant."

Jerr's avatar

He got what he wanted, now she gets a Dear Ice Kristi text. How fitting he couldn't even pay postage for the letter dumping her. What would be a hoot if her husband told her to take a hike.

Barbara Clary's avatar

Just like Trump who, to my knowledge, has never once had the courage to personally fire anyone face-to-face in real life.

Glenn Sills's avatar

Yes, very many people are saying this.

Leslie's avatar

Right what can she offer Corey now? Sure Chump is giving her another job. That's a shame. But there should be plenty of humor to follow her new endeavor.

Wendy S Morris's avatar

A made-up position at a made-up agency so she can continue to fleece America. Does any Republican have any morals, decency or backbone to stand up and work for the American people?

Annette's avatar

well, I'm assuming her new position might give her access to illegal drugs. . . . just sayin'

Leslie's avatar

Oh you mean like Meth SHEs on it lmao

Annette's avatar

OMG, that is hysterical. . . . did NO ONE look at that comment and think, "hmmmmm, maybe that's not how we want to say it."

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

true dat, Andy? I think you only write the truth😂😂🥂

Mark P Howard's avatar

Andy answers to a higher truth.

Oaktown's avatar

That would be the first intelligent thing she ever did.

Garnette Long's avatar

Probably not, but she got her special travel blanket as a lovely parting gift.

Robin D's avatar

And a nice fresh clean one from Jared Moskowitz yesterday 🤣

Robot Bender's avatar

She got to keep her stained and sticky one.

Robin D's avatar

I would hope even she would have sent.it out to be cleaned.and.fumigated.

Oaktown's avatar

She'll just contaminate it again.

Susan Coolidge's avatar

Yeah, what's gonna happen to the flying motel? Will she get to take it to the new post?

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

maybe it will be parked beside Trump’s plane ✈️ from Qatar 🇶🇦?…maybe it too will become part of his possessions? 💰 💰 💰 💰

Gail E Hofmann's avatar

Ahh, the blanket fiasco—the ultimate slap in the face of noblesse oblige, taken to perfection by the fact that the non-forward thinking couple hadn’t completed their flying lessons. (Probably blinded by their growing respect for each other.)

Moe G's avatar

I wondered about that myself. She spent $300 million on jets to deport immigrants and $200 million on those ads featuring only her!

Marmo's avatar

About that thought, Helena Handbasket: Ewwwww!?!

Neither of them has use for the other any more. Let's see how long it takes.

Janeo's avatar

Does she have to give the jet back or is she starting a library for displaying it?

Bill Maloni's avatar

Who reportedly, wants to follow Noem to her new Position, and work under her!

Jerr's avatar

Evidently Corey liked working under her, after all she's a cowgirl. Hee-haw.

D ODonnell's avatar

Pete Hegseth? Hoping he will also be looking for a new job soon.

Chris Duncan's avatar

Definitely part of her punishment.

Mary Sue Palazzari's avatar

When I told my dog, Luna, the good news, she said, "Woof! Woof! Woof!" Translation: "Good riddance, bitch!"

LHS's avatar

And goats everywhere leaped and ran joyously! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXtyXEKznUI

MLK's avatar

I was going to object to the absence of goats from this celebration, but this video is the GOAT!

Mary Roeser's avatar

So did my little grand dog.

Robot Bender's avatar

My Sheltie started to spin and bark furiously.

Debi's avatar

My Sheltie, Rory, was similarly delighted at the news.

Gail E Hofmann's avatar

They are a superior breed. And beautiful.

Glenn Sills's avatar

Nah, dogs are more practical. The like and respect bitches.

Gail E Hofmann's avatar

If they know what’s good for them. “Happy wife, happy life.” 😘

E. Jean Carroll's avatar

You reign supreme, Andy!!

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

♥️! And you, E. Jean ❣️🥂🍾

Barbara Vasile's avatar

That is high praise indeed!

J Cheng's avatar

This is the best this week Andy! But what the heck is the Special Envoy for The Shield of the Americas? Trump said "our new Security Initiative in the Western Hemisphere".......another grift?

Mary Roeser's avatar

Count on it being yet another scam. This is Agolf Shitler we're talking about. He has never done anything on the up and up his entire sorry life.

Irna Gadd's avatar

Agolf Shitler is absolutely ANDY worthy! I'm laughing so hard at this, Mary Roeser!

Oaktown's avatar

I think that's a Jeff Tiedrich special, as is "Little Miss Hair Extensions."

Bill Maloni's avatar

You get awarded those when you shoot puppies, get your lips injected, and have at least one extramarital affair, with an equally married Polish guy!

Jerr's avatar

Don't forget all those hair extensions that likely were disguised on her expense account. Plus, all those Botox shots.

Oaktown's avatar

I didn't know about the Botox, but that explains how she managed to keep her face expressionless during Thom Tillis's hilarious take down.

I played it twice and laughed till I cried, particularly the part where he schooled her on her "farming" skills. If anyone missed it, you can catch it here (pbs, no ads): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys-0r6sHV8M

DebraFant's avatar

I'm surpised at Tillis' competence in his dressing down Noem's performance. Powerful. Grateful she is fired from DHS. How will congress block the nominated replacement for that position?

Oaktown's avatar

They won't based on past history and assuming the MAGAs keep drinking the Kool-Aid.

Shelley Staddon's avatar

I do believe it's a brand new totally made up job just for her.

MaryT's avatar

It's like being fired as school principal and reassigned to cafeteria monitor re-named "Basement Border Czar."

Robert E.'s avatar

They could borrow from the movie "No Time for Sargent's", where Andy Griffith gets assigned PLO. Permanent Latrine Orderly.

Oaktown's avatar

And Grok will think PLO means she's a terrorist and have her arrested.

Bill Morgan's avatar

Typical made up job

Lady Emsworth's avatar

Trump can't admit he made a wrong decision with Noem - so he's given her another "position."

Trouble is, he's run out of Ambassadorships for his failures - so he's had to start making up new positions real quick. I wonder who helped him think up " Special Envoy for The Shield of the Americas.”?

And what are the next ten or twenty going to be? Because as all this shit turns the spotlight on trump. it's NEVER going to be HIS fault. An awful lot of his appointees are going to have to be found new positions when he kicks them under the bus without saying he was wrong.

Chris Duncan's avatar

Maybe it meets in that closet at Mar A Lago.

Robin D's avatar

Lol. I was thinking of one of one of those trailers they set up.at construction sites. She"'s going to be in charge of the Western Hemisphere? 😂😂😂😂😂

D ODonnell's avatar

Or the bathrooms with all the hidden classified documents.

Anne Fletcher-Jones's avatar

That, to put it mildly, is extremely worrying.

Garnette Long's avatar

Special Envoy to Iran, perhaps?

I'll bet Andy is researching this as we wait and wonder. I cannot wait for his explanation.

Oaktown's avatar

The Special Envoy for The Shield of the Americas protects the US from bombs; she will become our Golden Shield and take the first missile—for the team.

D ODonnell's avatar

Or another futile effort to win the Nobel Peace Prize?

Katherine James's avatar

Love the photo of the dogs!

Geoff Boyarsky's avatar

FAFO in this case better late than never. Let’s hope the door smacks her hard in the ass on the way out.

David Gardiner's avatar

... and a shotgun in every crib.

Oaktown's avatar

Every MAGA crib.

Susan from OC's avatar

Does anyone want to spend more time with her???

Jerry Bier's avatar

I'm quite sure that if any animals are left, they would not be thrilled to see her every day. You never know when her lust for killing reappears...they might want ot make a chart.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂. They are hiding far from the gravel pit😂😂!! Corey only had the job (quote unquote) because of her…so I‘m thinking he’s toast too. Oh well. C‘est la vie 😂😂. I think she knew it was coming…she was so, well, civil in her hearing…compared to Pam Bondi who of course imploded AND exploded!!

John's avatar

Well, her pets sure don't want to spend more time with her.

Sharon Herrick's avatar

And what about her dog? Is she still allowed anywhere near vulnerable animals?

Babydoc's avatar

She’s gotta teach the kid how to kill small animals with her shotgun.

Barbara Vasile's avatar

If she has any remaining pets who haven’t yet been shot, they certainly don’t want her to come home!

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

Andy , Her family would have quickly emigrated to Canada 🍁 😉

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

I can’t see her being welcome 🙏. 🇨🇦

Timothy Cooper's avatar

Always a convenient though trite statement, signifying nothing

- Karen Cooper

Hank Greenspan's avatar

Noem on de range.

Marmo's avatar

You got that right, Hank Greenspan (Noem on deranged)!

Robot Bender's avatar

Taken out to the gravel pit today.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂. Watch out!!!

M.E. Lawrence's avatar

I read this joyful news aloud, and my husband snapped, “Fired? From a cannon?”

Jonathan Weker's avatar

Today we all are dogs. Free at last!

M. B. Weston's avatar

Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead! It's about bloody time!!

Catherine Alvarez's avatar

Another a$$ licker has been appointed . And the wicked witch gets another made up assignment.

Tom Melody's avatar

Agreed. This administration will put someone in who’s markedly worse, and then they gave her a made-up job as consolation. Only a clean sweep of all these scoundrels will suffice.

LHS's avatar

AND she gets to continue to get paid by you and me, the American taxpayer. What a parasite.

MJ Buenavista's avatar

Andcwe get to pay her salary. Feeling sour.

Steve Hinternhoff's avatar

There were at least 10 million dogs at this rally! Next stop for Kristi: Jail !!!

M. B. Weston's avatar

From your lips to God's ear. :-)

John Schauer's avatar

I don't know which is the more damning proof of Noem's mental deficiency: it's absolutely disgusting that she killed a puppy and a goat simply for being a puppy and a goat, but it's Guinness Book of World Records appalling that she actually thought it was something she should brag about in her book. It's sort of like if Jeffrey Dahmer had decided to open a diner.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

What an image. I was at U of Wisconsin shortly after the cannibalism of Ed Gein was discovered. The Student Union cafeteria had a new item: GeinBergers.

Lynn Tuohy's avatar

Was he the one who made lamp shades out of women’s skin?

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I think the lampshades were from the Nazi commandants in the camps; Ed was more interested in eating than reading.

Lynn Tuohy's avatar

No really! I just looked him up. The lamp shades were just a bit of his handiwork.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I hadn't researched and certainly believe he had a creative spirit!

Oaktown's avatar

Gein did make lampshades from women's skin—and there's a US military video of our commanders forcing the Germans who lived in a town near one of the liberated Holocaust camps to come see the horrors they had turned a blind eye to. I watched them file by a table full of items the Nazis made from human skin. Horrific.

Mary K. Vincent's avatar

We had lots of morbid jokes about Ed Gein.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

He sort of faded from (culinary) history but now.....

Debi's avatar

OR - Dahmer opened a diner AND sold the cook book he wrote

Bill Smith's avatar

Wonder how the inevitable "Honey, I'm home!" will play out.

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

How about Corey and Kristi as the opening fight for the UFC cage match this summer? Get your popcorn and Bud Lite now!

Kandy Brown's avatar

I hate that fight schlock, but I'd buy tickets for that!

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

I'd pay to see Kristi 's hair extensions ripped off, but hey, I'm petty that way 😉

Bill Smith's avatar

That’s not petty. That’s pure intellectual curiosity, which is how civilization advances. Good for you!

Susanne Perez's avatar

Hope she remembers her blankie 💥

BTAM Master's avatar

A picture is worth a thousand barks!

Kate Delano-Condax Decker's avatar

The best photograph in America !!! :-)

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

Dogs across our nation broke out in exuberant barking at this news.

Susan from OC's avatar

I thought neighbor's dog was barking at the Spectrum guy! This makes more sense.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

😂😂 good one! 😂😂

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

my hound and I are currently howling 🐾🐾 arooo ARROO🐾🐾 👣 arooo howl HOWL

J Cheng's avatar

I wondered why my dog was barking more than usual

bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

That cosmic canine communication network went into immediate action: Puppy Killer gone! Celebrate!

Kristen Chambers's avatar

Happy day!

But is anyone named Markwayne going to be an improvement?

Simply Susan's avatar

Kristen, just try to enjoy this day before googling Markwayne Mullen.

Save that shock for tomorrow.

Don Allen's avatar

It's worse. Markwayne is from Oklahoma, one of the many places in the US where good thinking goes to die.

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

What do you think? His mother couldn’t even find the space bar.

User's avatar
Comment deleted
Mar 6
Comment deleted
Beth B's avatar

I picked that up on some social media post 🤦🏼‍♀️, but apparently he's named after two uncles.

Lew Crane's avatar

From a video on The Daily Show of him speaking to whoever, he couldn't even make up his mind about Iran, I think.

Robot Bender's avatar

I have a pair of old boots that are smarter than MarkWayneBillyBoob.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

No. Have you heard him speak?

Sue's avatar

He's an idiot!

Debi's avatar

He is stupider and borderline nuts and definitely a tRump butt kisser. Simply Susan is correct - Google him at your peril, because you will probably be discovering that any hope you sought for improvement after Noem definitely isn't forthcoming.

Lisa Chu's avatar

I love how you had this piece ready to go! Good job, Andy… per usual

Charles Hall's avatar

Just like a celebrity obituary - lets hope you get to show us Himmiller's soon

Ross Bogen's avatar

Like any good journalist or editor, Andy obviously keeps a file of these updated and ready at all times. This one, however, is one of the great political obits of our time!

Michael Spiegler's avatar

Andy, did you have the piece ready?

Lisa's avatar

Can we still put her on a warhead and blast her into space??

BTAM Master's avatar

I believe that violates rules on toxic bombs.

Elisabeth Birker's avatar

👍🏻 🎯😂😂