No Cats Have Disappeared, Say Springfield's Mice
No Cats Have Disappeared, Say Springfield's Mice
SPRINGFIELD, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—In a stinging indictment of JD Vance, the mouse community of Springfield, Ohio asserted on Thursday that there has been “no decline whatsoever” in the town’s feline population.
“While JD Vance sees fit to spread false rumors he’s read on the Internet, we’re the ones scurrying about on the ground,” an official statement from the mice read. “We can assure you that cats are alive and well in Springfield—unfortunately.”
Warning the Ohio senator to “stop gaslighting mice,” the rodents added, "We object to being used in JD Vance's experiments."
In an extraordinary coincidence, a cat in Springfield that briefly went missing before being found is named Miss Sassy, which is also what high school classmates called JD Vance.
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Profile in Ignorance: JD Vance
I know our renaming contest for Vance came up with Justa Dick, but I’m kind of partial to Miss Sassy.
Andy Borowitz may be the most courageous journalist in America today. He has not only produced the most damning evidence against the “pet eating” falsehood, but by reaching out to a marginalized community and reporting on their experiences he is “speaking truth to power “ as many in the media are failing to do.
Right after she institutes her bold plan for peace between mice and cats, President Harris should award Andy the Presidential Medal of Freedom.