451 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

I think this record will be safe for some time.

ISOequanimity's avatar

🙏Amen, Andy. And that’s why we need to be ready with articles of impeachment, criminal charges, civil suits, proposed legislation, and plans to join ICC on Inauguration Day. All blue candidates and incumbents must clear their desks of anything else. This is an existential moral imperative and the world is watching. If you’re retired like me, we promised to save the world during the summer of love in 1967. That bill has come due. Here are my objectives: 1) Win the house and senate 2) impeach 3) pursue criminal charges and disbarment 4) join ICC and cooperate with their prosecution for Venezuela 5) the 40+ punch list amended by readers earlier.

MaryPat's avatar

6) End corporations as people.

Roland Saeger's avatar

Yes. Money is not protected free speech.

Jacquie Ostrom's avatar

Get money out of US politics!!

Leslie's avatar

And The Supremes

modj's avatar
7hEdited

Yes, MaryPat! I'd be interested in reading your 1-5 also...

MaryPat's avatar

#1 Kill Fox News.

MaryPat's avatar

#2. Kill Fox News

MaryPat's avatar
6hEdited

5. Kill Fox News

MaryPat's avatar

#3 Kill Fox News

Tricia Wilson's avatar

Mary Pat, Tell us how you really feel...

MaryPat's avatar

I. Kill Fox News

Leslie's avatar

Yes and all administration members who previously worked for Fox News or were in many way affiliated with Fox News

Roland Saeger's avatar

I'd like to see DJT do the ski jump. I'm thinking of the "agony of defeat" guy from ABC's Wide World of Sports back in the 60s.

Annette's avatar

I'd like to see him in the luge, but I think they would have to widen the track. However, the thought of those cankles banging back and forth against the sides would provide a minute of amusement for many.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

No luge sled necessary, just stuff him in a skin suit like 10 lbs of 💩 in a 5 lb bag and send him on his way!

Annette's avatar

fans will need to be alerted because its going to be messier than a Gallagher comedy show - LOL

Susan Stone's avatar

They'd also have to widen the luge… I have visions (disgusting ones) of flab hanging over the sides, destroying everything it touches.

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

...and if you thought it was wise to avoid the YELLOW snow...

Annette's avatar

The Orange Blob does the Olympics!

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Ouch. What a slovenly image!!

Susan Stone's avatar

I haven't heard the word slovenly since my mother used it when I was a child. I'm sorry that I affected you so badly.

J Cheng's avatar

🤣🤣🤣

Paul Eric Gold's avatar

No fat jokes here, please.

Mark D Olson's avatar

Gee. I thought he already had. He's still crashing and burning.

J Cheng's avatar

in his case, the agony of da feet.

Judy Shaffer's avatar

Trump's cankles are his agony of de feet. (groan)

Wendy Tucker's avatar

It's ok. Clever enough to tolerate any groans! :). :)

SyBen's avatar

I'd like to see him competing in curling. 😀

Wendy Tucker's avatar

He doesn't have enough hair to curl. But he thinks he does, which makes. him all the more a bleached blonde buffoon.

Paul Eric Gold's avatar

Only the agony of defeat guy survived. I would be hoping for a different outcome in DJT were to be able to get on skis with his feet problems.

Hugh Jarce's avatar

Eddie the Eagle comes to mind.

David A L's avatar

Is it Trump Derangement Syndrome when all these charges are true? I've got a bad case of it too.

ISOequanimity's avatar

I think they just can’t spell and it’s actually Trump’s Derangement Syndrome.

Mark P Howard's avatar

Punctuation is important (Think, "The giant panda eats, shoots, and leaves.")

Celia Smith's avatar

Or "Let's eat, Grandma."

Lorenzo's avatar

That's perfect. Too bad some clever Democratic politician couldn't have come up with that and repeat it over, and over, and over.

ISOequanimity's avatar

Feel free to run with it!

Leslie's avatar

Yes that is correct

Al Keim's avatar

That's what Trump Arraignment Syndrome will clear up.

Annette's avatar

<appreciative applause>

djw's avatar

No, I think Trump Derangement Syndrome is believing Drumpf is a decent [fill in the blank--any noun will do].

Susie's avatar

Appreciation for all of you involved in leading us with with a NEW PLAN for America.

Jan Fabiyi's avatar

And make sure that MAGA can't paint it as political retribution but what it actually is, just desserts!

ISOequanimity's avatar

We have 400 years of exploitation and corruption to atone for. I know because I’m part of the problem. My ancestors were on the Mayflower and at Jamestown. I have a significant karmic debt that I work every day to repay. This regime won’t be in power forever. New growth will emerge from the devastation around us and it will reflect the dominant value system. Which wolf will we feed?

Susan Stone's avatar

You've made me realize I'm part of the problem, too: my mother's first ancestors here arrived in Massachusetts Bay Colony in 1633. That's a hard one to swallow, especially since I've come to really appreciate the people we are still bent on destroying.

ISOequanimity's avatar

I agree. It’s a bitter pill to swallow but it’s also a powerful motivator for me.

Susan Stone's avatar

It motivates me, also. That's one of the reasons I've been highlighting the positives of Indigenous culture on my Substack. It also motivates me to be kind to the people I encounter.

Bergman Ronald's avatar

Fine wish list, but with too many current spineless R’s in both Houses, will sadly have to wait for the 2026 election results. If not, another huge waste of angst, time, money and international disdain

Eleanor Chin's avatar

I would add one step before your list: 1) prevent the Thief-in-Chief from stopping the elections: "You'll never have to vote again" and "The Republicans should take over the voting and nationalize the elections." His ICE and National Guard actions are a rehearsal for 2026 and 2028.

Virginia Craven's avatar

1) Re-up USAID 2) scratch

Virginia Craven's avatar

Re-up USAID. Take his name off

Celia Smith's avatar

And take his name off the Kennedy Center - now!

Steve Newman's avatar

I need a treason conviction for Christmas.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

How about for Memorial Day?

Steve Newman's avatar

How about tonight ? Gotta get worse before it gets better. Who knows ?

Paul Eric Gold's avatar

Don't forget about passing the voting rights legislation and restoring health care.

C K Smith's avatar

Dear ISOequanimity, I also made that promise in 1967, so I am with you all the way. Moreover, I am doing all I can to make all of your objectives happen.

Michael Bowe's avatar

Great list. Just one major problem. If the Republicans lose, the Democrats will be in charge, and absolutely none of those things will happen.

Bob Spillman's avatar

And the Gold for Humor goes to Borowitz.

misia.d's avatar

The difference between TBR & a cabinet meeting is that all of the compliments here are sincere and not bought. Night & Day!

Wis's avatar

I watched this event! Trump got rolling downhill so fast, he got to the bottom and now all that’s left is a crater with a messy stain at the center. The crowds went absolutely wild as all nations cheered and howled with joy.

The Olympic Committee was so impressed, they tossed the gold medal into the giant hole and declared the massive dent to be trump’s first, last and only act as Destroyer of the Free World that the world welcomed, though scientists estimate the stain he became will stink for decades.

Mary Gilbert's avatar

Possibly forever…

Wendy Tucker's avatar

and ever and ever, amen.

Griff's avatar

God help us if not....

Brenda Reiss's avatar

One can be optimistic on this predicrion

Hugh Jarce's avatar

Superbly hilarious headline, prompting a coffee nasal expungement.

Virginia Craven's avatar

God willin’ and the crick don’t rise! I work at the Med School and UVA, so we have to be quiet during the exams. Trust me, it is not a good time to read your column; today’s elicited a much-too-loud guffaw!

Joan DeMartin's avatar

Yes it will. Another great one!

Carole Weintraub's avatar

As an aside, women are protesting ICE by knitting red caps that are “melting ICE”. Can’t find any red wool in Philly. YES!

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Living in the deep south has made for a very...exciting decade.

I recently saw a cap being worn in WalMart that said "Violence is Golden".

We have to respond! I responded by wearing two of my recent t-shirt acquisitions to the same WalMart:

"Pedophile Protector", with the image of Trump giving the automaker the finger last week, and "Stephen Miller Sucks!", yesterday.

Petty and immature? You DAMN right! And at 68 years, I've earned the right!

GingerLee's avatar

Damn straight..... this Italian 79yo hippie grandma/nonna is standing right next to you...with any damn hat or tee I want to wear

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

I'd be deeply honored to stand beside you, GingerLee...

Thank you!

Bruna Piccin's avatar

This Nonna is with you on that!

J Cheng's avatar

72 yo single breasted Irish Jersey girl will join you!!

GingerLee's avatar

ahhhhh the only one I have is on the left side!

Mary Roeser's avatar

Count this 82-year-old German grandma in your posse, GingerLee!!

ISOequanimity's avatar

Love it! I ordered custom buttons with a bullseye and the caption “Am I next?” I thought 50 was enough for friends and family but I’m running out.

J Cheng's avatar

I think everyone in ICE targeted areas should immediately start wearing khaki pants, shirts, knit caps, combat boots, and a black covid mask (those are not illegal), and roam the streets freely.

ISOequanimity's avatar

Great idea! And much better than mine. I thought the entire blue population should start wearing burkas in public.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

Outstanding. I'd be delighted to do this. Home Depot is a ten minute drive.

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

My friend, you have done what I have only (literally) dreamed of:

"Can wearing progressive messages EVERY DAY for >FIVE YEARS (so far) make a difference? I hope so…"

https://medium.com/@foofaraw/many-more-people-will-die-because-of-trump-i-hope-i-wont-be-one-of-them-41b2f1493036

Thank you for sharing, ISOequanimity.

ISOequanimity's avatar

🙏 Thank you for your kind words. BTW, custom buttons are easy to order online. The bullseye art is already available. I spent a total of 150.00 (including shipping). It turned out to be a great investment.

Rosann's avatar

Don’t forget to send the bill to George Soros 😉🤑

ISOequanimity's avatar

🙏 Deepest thanks.

Cindy La Ferle's avatar

Sometimes we have to sink to their level. I agree!

Annette's avatar

as long as we remember to rise again!

Marmo's avatar

Don't worry, Annette, we will. The MAGAs love it down there, but we don't.

Marmo's avatar

I agree, Cindy La Ferle. To fight people who are in the mud, we must get into the mud.

Annette's avatar

Petty and immature - not by any stretch! You keep going, the deep south needs to know change is coming!

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Annette,

Thank you. And I truly do hope that change IS coming for the deep south.

But the last time change happened here was the racial-hate-based Southern Strategy in anticipation of Civil Rights laws giving rights to Black Americans. (We may never recover from that all-too successful abomination requiring that racist hate replace the loving words of Jesus):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_strategy

(One doesn't have to be Christian to know when innocent, but uneducated, people are being manipulated for political purposes.)

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Not petty and not immature. Exactly what's needed. Before the disaster of the election, I had my friend make up business cards that said "Pussy-Grabber for President". She dropped them off on the cars in various parking lots with Trump supporting bumper stickers on them. Very satisfying.

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

I like that idea!! Except that we soon after discovered that boorish behavior actually got him MORE votes, instead of what any decent human being would have anticipated.

Sharon, in truth, after living in the deep south for >60 years I think that perhaps I've learned how MAGA thinks, and I'm not certain anything will help enough to make a difference:

"MAGA hate the things they hate more than the love the things they love."

This is what allows Trump to murder about 1,000,000 (mostly) older Americans on the Trump/Covid Sacrificial Pyre simply because Trump said, "Covid is a hoax" and "Vaccines are dangerous". Once those words were spoken it all became about "owning the libs" and pleasing Trump instead of protecting their own parents and grandparents. (Some GOP actually suggested sending the elderly to work instead of younger workers, because their deaths wouldn't matter as much.)

The same with not vaccinating children. As long as it "owns the libs", the deaths of their own children will likely come to matter less and less...

Sharon Herrick's avatar

I know you are right. And your insight---that MAGA hate the things they hate more than they love the things they love---makes perfect sense---and it does explain the cruelty and brutality. But it's nuts, you know. How can "owning the libs" be that important? I wish you well down there in the Deep South. It's nice to know there are outposts of sanity everywhere.

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Sharon, I think LBJ put it best:

“If you can convince the lowest white man he's better than the best colored man, he won't notice you're picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he'll empty his pockets for you.”

― Lyndon B. Johnson

Or, as a friend puts it, "They don't mind getting shot in the foot, as long as total strangers from a demographic they hate get shot in the kneecap."

I see that attitude every day, but I've come to pity it less and less. Still, I've attempted to cultivate only positive interactions with MAGA, and as such I'm hated less than might be expected.

Sharon Herrick's avatar

Such an intelligent observation from LBJ. This lack of self-esteem is, in fact, a very human problem, but I find myself without much pity these days. It's a bad place to be, actually, and worse, I'm beginning to like it. Gotta fight that.

Al Keim's avatar

I feel out preformanced foofrie. Best I have come up with is a Greenland flag sticker on my pickup rear window alongside Ukraine's.

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

And in truth, Al, your Greenland flag may be more effective than my efforts may ever be.

Aside from my absolute horror at being taken for MAGA (because statistically, someone looking like me in the deep south...), I do it hopes it might matter to a few people each day, but allows me to feel that I'm doing SOMETHING every day.

And I really need that feeling right now.

Thank you, Al.

modj's avatar

You are an American hero

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

modj,

You are kind to say, though the reality is more about my strong objection to being mistaken for a Trump supporter, since I'm an older white male in the deep south.

Or, that's how it started....

"Can wearing progressive messages EVERY DAY for >FIVE YEARS (so far) make a difference? I hope so…"

https://medium.com/@foofaraw/many-more-people-will-die-because-of-trump-i-hope-i-wont-be-one-of-them-41b2f1493036

modj's avatar

Nevertheless, my observation remains. So thank you.

Wendy Tucker's avatar

I have a t-shirt from 2014 saying 'I was going to be a Trump voter for Halloween but my head wouldn't fit up my ass.' Little did I think I'd be wearing it again in 2023. I still wear it as often as possible and it has never ever ever elicited anything but laughter and compliments. HOWEVER, I live in West Hollywood........ Maybe if I wore it in Charlotte or Miami........? But I would. I really would.

J Cheng's avatar

Absolutely!!!!!!!

Paul Eric Gold's avatar

You should get out of the deep south immediately.

foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Perhaps, Paul...

But then who would be left to provide a better example?

And since so many of them are my relatives, tough love should come from family.

(I have one more crucial task before I leave, Paul, but I appreciate your concern.)

Natalie Parker's avatar

I knitted the red hat! People in Norway knitted them to show opposition to the Nazi occupation of their country during WWII. These red knitted or crocheted hats today demonstrate opposition to the ICE occupation of American cities. Remember the pussy hats we knitted and wore to show contempt for Trump in 2017?

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

Hey, I may be 78 but my memory isn't that bad. but i also remember back to the 60s and 70s when I was out protesting, and supporting the Equal Rights amendment. We are back to the bad old days, women need to be loud about the vote being taken away by the SAVE act/

MJ Buenavista's avatar

Everybody has to be loud and contact their reps & senators!!

MARGARET KENDALL's avatar

i remember those pink hats.

Mary-Jean Miner's avatar

We here in the Vineyard have been wearing the pussy hats to our demonstrations. I made 51. I’m making red ones now, as long as I have lots of red yarn on hand.

ISOequanimity's avatar

For those of us who don’t know how to crochet or knit, a lovely, generous person posted a video showing how to make the melting ice hat out of fleece. I hope posting it here doesn’t get me kicked off substack. When I posted the gofundme page of the USMC veteran who was murdered on the same day as Charlie Kirk (as an example of the disparate treatment) I got banned from The Independent for a week. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF7jpHnEGpc

David Toth and Fran Newton's avatar

Our friend, Anne, came over last ight wearing one. They are really nice.

Stuart Baron's avatar

My “Is he dead yet?” t-shirt gets lots of compliments…I just wish I could add a large “YES” on it! Not since 1945 has any one person, a term applied loosely to that psychopath, been so hated worldwide.

Carole Weintraub's avatar

Yes the hats were a Norwegian protest about German occupation. Of course they were banned.

Al Keim's avatar

I can't find a blue bunny Liam cap. :-(

Susan Fernbach's avatar

Something tells me that the “bunny hat” is actually a Pokémon. Anyone with better knowledge of the Pokeverse wanna weigh in?

Mary-Chilton van Hees's avatar

I won’t wear a red cap, mine is blue. Any color will do. March 28, a see of colored toques.

Brenda Reiss's avatar

Can they post the knitting instructions?

Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

It seems that many are knitting the hats, and no red wool around right now, anywhere. But don't look on Amazon!

Sharon P's avatar

should have been ebay for red yarn

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Wow! After BEST IN SHOW last week at the Westchester, and Super Bowl LX MVP, call him Kaiser, he’s on a roll!

Janeo's avatar

Hope there's plenty if ketchup on that roll...

linda murrell's avatar

Fantastic humor to start the day. Thanks, Andy. Don't we keep asking: where IS the bottom of the slope??

It's Come To This's avatar

That run at Cortina has already been renamed 'Drooling Dementia Descent.'

Marmo's avatar

It's Come To This - Love the name change!

If it's Dump's slope, that's going to be a very short run since he starts out almost at the finish line.

Terri Smith's avatar

I enjoyed Bad Bunny very much. I saw clips of the alternative show. Can you say train wreck. MAGA really lead miserable lives hating everything fun and diverse.

matclone's avatar

The good consumers of Fox News and like-minded media corp's are perpetually angry about something--often things they don't understand.

Terri Smith's avatar

Megyn Kelly is the worst. She used to be sane but is now as bad as Loomer. Loomer is really crazy while many of the others are just grifters after a buck. The MAGA base eats their hatred right up. I would find it exhausting to be that angry and filled with hate all the damn time.

nks's avatar

These ladies rely on Botox to cover-up their hatred blemishes…

Lee Roscoe's avatar

Dare I say this: I think Loomer may really be a man. Take a good look. Wouldn't that be a laugh on MAGA if she were trans!

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Hold on there … now you’re describing ME … and maybe one or two others here? I only understand two things: (1) I understand nothing and (2) I forget the second one

Marmo's avatar

Ignorance = hate and cruelty.

It's Come To This's avatar

I'm only disappointed that there hasn't yet been a "Miss Bad Bunny" drag contest in San Francisco. But the day is still young....

Annette's avatar

yes, and while a House Rep. from Tennessee called Bad Bunny's show disgusting, may I remind him of lyrics from Kid Rock's song, "Young Ladies."

Young ladies, young ladies

I like 'em underage, see

Some say that's statutory

But I say it's mandatory

Wis's avatar

That explains the choice of Kid Rock for the venue! I bet trump had him over to maralago afterwards to share interests and look at his secret photo albums and “home movies”.

(🤢)

Annette's avatar

I bet that's what is in all those boxes he stole from the White House

Terri Smith's avatar

Yes, worse than a Bad Bunny song!

Marmo's avatar

Just like his orange lord and master, Annette.

Annette's avatar

Kid Rock has written the Epstein anthem, sadly. Hoping Karma is swift.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

David Graham in The Atlantic points out the messages of both shows were remarkably similar: work hard, get married, celebrate, and (a) have fun or (b) get mad.

Terri Smith's avatar

But the point of my comment was the MAGA show didn’t make us froth at the mouth with hatred. I don’t think MAGA really enjoyed that old has been Kid Rock lip syncing his, just as dirty as Bad Bunny’s, songs. The whole point was not to celebrate but to have a grievance party.

Franca Garofalo's avatar

Well actually I was filled with hatred - Kid Rock sings about underage girls - it’s called statutory but it should be mandatory. No wonder pedo in chief loves him. They are both disgusting!

carol corsaro's avatar

Bad Bunny was Brilliant. He is a great story teller, and singer.

Thank you, Bad Bunny

and cast and crew!❤️

Terri Smith's avatar

You nailed it, Carol. The whole production was brilliant. I would have loved to have been one of those people bushes.

Gina Riggi's avatar

I think they have very different ideas about what they each call fun.

M Apodaca's avatar

I got some dust bunnies who’d like a word with Bad.

Lynne's avatar

I have been under the impression that Andrew Jackson was the cruelest president in history but t rump who admires Jackson, has won the contest. He is the most cruel, the vilest, most disgusting, greedy human (?) ever to be elected.

andrea sobel's avatar

Exactly! He sinks lower every single day. It’s exhausting. Andy helps with my recovery.

Lee Roscoe's avatar

Wit. Jackson ordered what became the Trail of Tears, one of the worst genocidal maniacs to the indigenous community.

Paul Snyderman's avatar

DJT is sure to score big on the Darwin Awards. And again, Obama never did.

Elizabeth Block's avatar

No. The Darwin Award goes to someone who dies because of something stupid he did, thus preventing him from reproducing. Too late for Trump.

Marmo's avatar

Darwin Awards can go to somebody who has already reproduced. Dead By Stupidity stops them from creating more idiots.

But, you are correct, Elizbeth Block, that the person must be dead.

Maybe if Dump is told that he's yet to receive the much respected Darwin Award - one that Obama never got and never will get - then he'll top himself and save the world.

Paul Snyderman's avatar

I'm sure you are right. The award goes to someone who has committed an act that is so monumentally stupid it is an end to the "winner's" future chance at reproducing. Nevertheless, it is such an attractive goal for someone who self-proclaims (without evidence) his status as a "stable genius". What is the antonym for "stable genius"? Monumentally Stupid."

Marmo's avatar

Paul Snyderman - How about Monumental Moron?

Since Dump covets every award, even the fake ones, I think that he should be encouraged to pursue the Darwin Award. Everyone would celebrate this win.

GigiDimeg's avatar

It’s constantly a cleanup at aisle 45. Thank you for helping us survive it all, Andy. We need you.

Denis Pombriant's avatar

No fair! There was no competition. Also, he complained that the Grand Salmon hair competition was rigged against him.

Marilyn Gillis's avatar

Love your pun about the grand salmon

Al Gorythm's avatar

Trump worked closely with Elon Musk to integrate the economy into Tesla so it can drive itself into the ditch.

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Or into a white truck

Pradnya Sikand's avatar

😂The country’s hurtling downhill at breakneck speed and the economy’s come a cropper but the President has won his trumpery gold medal ! 😉Thanks Andy ! Your brilliant satire deserves a genuine gold medal ! 😂💕

Nicole Barenbaum's avatar

This wonderful news Makes America Proud Again! But I missed the ceremony--did he grab the medal and place it around his own neck?

Clym Yeobright's avatar

like the midwife should have done with the umbilical cord when he was born …

Annette's avatar

<snort laugh>

Irna Gadd's avatar

Undoubtedly - it’s his specialty.

Steve Benko's avatar

"I didn't think anyone could outdo a pair of train wrecks like mine," said Lindsey Vonn admiringly.

Annette's avatar

<well done!>. Vonn has way more patriotism than the bloated yam.

GingerLee's avatar

How do you it ?... Every damn day you get me to laugh.....

Irna Gadd's avatar

You’ve outdone yourself with this one, Andy. You always tell the truth!