Pete Hegseth Declares End to His Dry January
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Pete Hegseth has declared an end to his Dry January, the former “Fox & Friends” host revealed on Friday.
Hegseth told reporters that he commenced his alcohol-free month on January 1 and brought it to a conclusion at 12:01 AM on January 2.
He said that he hoped his triumphant participation in Dry January would “silence the haters” skeptical of his nomination to the Cabinet.
“I thought it was important to show the American people that their Defense Secretary could go a day without drinking,” he said. “Mission accomplished.”
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Are any of you doing Dry January? How is it going? I would say if you’ve made it this far into 2025 without drinking you’re off to an amazing start.
I am guessing this amazing feat was accomplished by involving a well-timed trip across the International Date Line.