Police Investigating 8647 Markings on National Mall Find Unusual Hat at Scene of Crime
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Law enforcement probing the mysterious markings of the numbers 8647 on the National Mall said on Friday that they had found a distinctive hat at the scene of the crime that could help them identify the perpetrator.
The hat, a wide-brimmed navy-blue boater with an ivory band, was reminiscent of the headgear worn by The Hamburglar, who shot to fame in McDonald’s commercials in the 1970’s, investigators said.
“It appears to be some kind of spy hat,” the lead detective, Harland Dorrinson, said. “That supports the theory that this was the work of a foreigner.”
The detective said that the police were considering the act of vandalism “a serious threat,” adding, “Whoever did this clearly hates Donald Trump.”
Today in the Comments Section: How to Ignore This Loser’s Birthday
Happy Friday, everyone! I plan to spend Sunday rewatching Nixon’s resignation speech on YouTube. That never gets old.
I’d rather clean the men’s room at Penn Station than celebrate that shithead.