Prince Andrew Announces He Will Move to America Where Government Protects Pedophiles

Andrew said he planned to look up a friend from the “good old days.” Photo: Chris Jackson/Getty Images

LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—On Friday Prince Andrew announced that he was moving to America, hailing it as “a country whose government protects pedophiles.”

“My bags are packed for Washington, D.C.,” the disgraced royal told reporters at Heathrow airport. “If you’re a pedophile, it’s a sanctuary city.”

“If the federal government has a list of pedophiles—poof—it vanishes into thin air,” he said. “And I’m told there’s a chap named Mike Johnson whose entire job is to protect blokes like me.”

Despite such lavish praise, the Trump administration gave the news of Andrew’s relocation a chilly response. “President Trump has never met Prince Andrew,” said newly-appointed White House press secretary George Santos.

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