The Borowitz Report

The Borowitz Report

The Complete Wisdom of Dan Quayle

TBR Sunday Read

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Andy Borowitz
Mar 22, 2026
∙ Paid
Wikipedia

Ever since America’s stupidest president launched America’s stupidest war, I’ve become wistful for a time when the idiots in our government caused no lasting damage.

In that spirit of nostalgia, here is the complete wisdom of former Vice President Dan Quayle—guaranteed to lift your mood and lower your blood pressure.

Dan Quayle on Education

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

“You take the United Negro College Fund model—that what a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”

Dan Quayle on Geography

“We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

“It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.”

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