The Borowitz Report

The Borowitz Report

The Private Haikus of Pete Hegseth

TBR Sunday Read

Andy Borowitz's avatar
Andy Borowitz
Dec 14, 2025
∙ Paid
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images

You may think you know Pete Hegseth: brash, swaggering macho man and sworn enemy of the Geneva Conventions.

But there’s another Pete—a sensitive, vulnerable Pete—who emerges in his private haiku journal, obtained by TBR when he accidentally texted it to us.

Read the following poems and discover a whole new Hegseth: a sensitive, vulnerable warrior at war with himself.

User's avatar

Continue reading this post for free, courtesy of Andy Borowitz.

Or purchase a paid subscription.
© 2026 Andy Borowitz · Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start your SubstackGet the app
Substack is the home for great culture