NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a threat-laden speech to the United Nations General Assembly, Donald Trump commanded the entire population of planet Earth not to watch ABC at 11:30 Tuesday night.
“There is no one with any talent on ABC at 11:30,” Trump declared. “But if you defy me and watch, you are going straight to Hell.”
Trump was vague about the repercussions that would befall people who watch ABC at 11:30, but added, “It will do even greater damage than Tylenol.”
Closing his meandering speech with one final reminder, Trump declared, “That’s 10:30 Central Time.”
Who’s watching ABC at 11:30 tonight?
I have never watched it before, but I think I will start tonight if I can stay awake that long.