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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump ordered members of his Cabinet on Wednesday to start wearing three pairs of tube socks to make his ankles appear normal.
At the White House, press secretary Karoline Leavitt attempted to downplay Trump’s demand, as well as his order that Cabinet members use a hammer to create bruises on the back of their hands.
“The press has been trafficking in stories about the President’s health which are entirely malicious and false,” said Leavitt, black sweat socks protruding from her Ann Taylor slingbacks.
According to sources, Trump has also mandated that Cabinet members periodically babble incoherently and fall down, a directive immediately embraced by Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth.
Above and beyond. Do you have any idea how hard it is to put a second pair of socks over the first pair?? To say nothing about that third pair over the other two. The upside of that request is that members of the Cabinet will spend so much time getting dressed in the morning that it will cut hours off their attempts to screw over their agencies. Works for me.
Kristie Noem asked if she can just fill her stockings with beige hair extensions. But she is willing to do whatever her president asks.