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Andy Borowitz's avatar

ICE agents are the guys who were too dumb to be admitted to Trump University.

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Donna H Kurz's avatar

Also recruited are all the January 6 patriots.

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Donna H Kurz's avatar

For anyone who somehow misconstrued - I was of course being sarcastic in calling the January low lives "patriots"!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Donna, IMO your wouldn't be reading TBR if you seriously meant "patriots" for Jan 6 low lives.

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Donna H Kurz's avatar

Thank you!!

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Jody Magee's avatar

The word “patriot” has become such an ugly word to me since January 6.

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Harvey Perry's avatar

The No Kings demonstrators waving American flags are the true patriots.

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Jim Yoder's avatar

It is like so many words in the English language that have changed meanings over the years. Until the ICE agents stand down because they collectively say this is wrong they are not patriots.

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Anne's avatar

That won't happen. The best parts of our society are not becoming ICE agents

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

We were just about to visit you with torches and pitchforks, Donna.

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

(Sarcasm is one of this site’s many virtues.)

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Jim Yoder's avatar

we be smart...we got it. 😊👌

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Donna H Kurz's avatar

😆😂🤣

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Gjay15's avatar

Duh

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Sara Toye's avatar

Never occurred to me..l

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Kandy Brown's avatar

Understood!

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Gwendolyn McEwen's avatar

I wouldn't want their tainted hands on my veggies.

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John Townsend's avatar

--with all nutrients sucked out and deported by their touch!

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Amy Cain's avatar

NOOooOoOoOO WAY, Donna!!! !!!! !! !

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MLK's avatar

Patriots??? Nope. They are Dump asslickers.

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

I think Donna was being sarcastic?

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Donna H Kurz's avatar

Thank you, Andy ! I added as such but your comment is very much appreciated & confirms my intent! I continue to be amazed that you read all our remarks - you are the best!

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Al Keim's avatar

There's a comments section for 'splainin jokes.

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MLK's avatar

Whew! And p.u. -- the J6ers remain Dump asslickers.

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Bill's avatar

Secretary of Commerce Nutlicker (Ludnick)

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

tRump and the repugs have been calling the participants in tRump's Beer-Belly Putsch 'patriots' since 2021. After all, you've got to really love America to smear shit all over the walls of the Capital.

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John Townsend's avatar

--and there's enough doo-doo there as it is!

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Jody Magee's avatar

And yet he calls those criminals patriot.

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Chrisjensvold's avatar

I believe he has called them hostages as well

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L B Rose's avatar

He has indeed. And they went through court hearings and due process, etc., unlike ICE-picked immigrants who get shipped to nightmare holding cells.

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

and Mikey Johnson and his ilk persist in calling anti-MAGA protestors Marxists and terrorists...... WTF

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Barry Blue's avatar

The closest I could come to being a Marxist is if I was related to Groucho.

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Marmo's avatar
4hEdited

Yes, Donna H. Kurz - those "patriot" ICE agents were recruited right out of prison.

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Robin Haas's avatar

And detention halls across America.

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Barry Blue's avatar

The Yam likes to say that he thought he was pardoning the New England Patriots for losing a game on January 6th.

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Robot Bender's avatar

And Oath Keepers, KKK, CN's, Q-Anon, militia members, neo-Nazis, neo-Confederates, Proud Boys, Boogaloo Boys, and who knows what other wackos.

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Steve Newman's avatar

ICE HOLES ??

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Jodie Pine's avatar

I think we need to make it one word: ICEholes.

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LYNN COOK's avatar

Oh,Steve..!! SPOT ON !! PRICELESS !!!

👏👏👏!!!

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Steve Newman's avatar

I clipped it from an old Michael Keaton 1984 movie called "Johnny Dangerously"

The line, from Keaton's poor English speaking nemesis went something like

"You Farking Ice Holes I Kill You"

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

you could as well be quoting Melania......

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Steve Newman's avatar

Yes, her diction can use some work. But that chick was not picked for her communication skills as she repeatedly demonstrates. More her ability to please master by staying out of the way without much talkback.

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John Townsend's avatar

May they fall through them!

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Marmo's avatar

Steve Newman - "ICE HOLES" - 🤣🤣🤣🤣!

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Annette's avatar

yet I wonder how many take advantage of the $60K signing bonus for student loan repayment - bet DHS considers TU a valid educational institute

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Al Keim's avatar

Woah! A double back door grift. He truly is a stable coin genius.

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Steve Newman's avatar

That genius should be indicted for treason for that AI chip deal with the UAE. I don't know that there was one high level advisor that was on board with that. Does anyone think the UAE 2B investment to T JR. & Witkoff JR's crypto deal was simply a coincidence that it coincided with the chip deal ?

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John Townsend's avatar

There are likely no coincidences with Trump and company.

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Steve Newman's avatar

My point exactly,If that ain't treason what qualifies these days?

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Jim Yoder's avatar

None, Zero, Zip, NaDah

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

they spend the money on coal-rolling trucks with Confederate flags

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Lee Zeldin has determined that rolling coal is great for the environment, Pete Smegmabreath endorsed the confederate flag!

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J Cheng's avatar

Isn't it the ONLY educational institution that qualifies for the $60k signing bonus???

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Olivia Ward's avatar

Yes, and farmers were still enraged because the replacements were substandard, and most of them failed the course on "how to pick fruit and vegetables."

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LYNN COOK's avatar

Ebenezer Max Factor trAmp's only " major " is picking pockets.!

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Christopher Sweet's avatar

There’s no danger they’ll remain “down on the farm” for long. They are allergic to work.

Gassing Halloween parades, beating and shooting old and young, and ravaging communities isn’t work for them. It’s a joy ride.

Have you seen Bovino? He’s like 5 feet tall. He could hide under the cotton. Or beans or whatever is in the photo at the top of the column.

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Anne Lesser's avatar

Probably too dumb to harvest crops...and so 0ut 0f shape not good candidates for military service. Hooray!

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Pat Ebervein's avatar

I sorta wanna turn that around and say they were SO dumb they actually applied! In any case, Andy, this missive feels like it might be your crowning jewel. What a great idea and I'd love nothingmore than to see these guys out there hoeing their assigned rows.

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

Today’s report might qualify for Andy’s Top 20.

(Of course I think that at least once a month.)

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Marie's avatar

That would be the one time that being dumb was a benefit, saving you being swindled out of thousands $$$$$$!!?

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Virgin Monk Boy's avatar

Blessed be the remedial students of tyranny, still waiting for their diplomas in cruelty.

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John Townsend's avatar

Blessings they are not!

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Virgin Monk Boy's avatar

Nobody said they were blessings, it is roasting them in the liturgical style

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J Cheng's avatar

Spot on! I read this headline and really thought it was true. You got me today!!!!

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Amy Cain's avatar

Hey AB, I heard nobody got admitted to Trump U., right?

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Candace M.'s avatar

This is perfect, Andy. You made my morning. I think your concluding sentence should become the standard TBR-cohort closing of all our written communications. You know? It can become our riposte to “Thank you for your attention to this matter.” “Get out there and pick some f’ing lettuce, you loser.” Such a poetic ring to it.

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Alan's avatar

The contingent selected to pick iceberg lettuce was rapidly oversubscribed --- further raising the tensions among the now physically fit ICE agents 🤔

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Jim Yoder's avatar

Ouch! True but Ouch!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Wow! That really says something about how dumb the ICE agents are (at least the recent recruits).

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Susanne Pennelle's avatar

What a good idea! Write your representatives.

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Amy Cain's avatar

I already have written HER, CongressWoman Ayanna Pressley!!

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Susanne Pennelle's avatar

Lucky you! I miss Boston.

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

unless they are GOP reps, who are deaf, dumb and blind to anything unMAGA

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Mariellen R Sandford's avatar

Every time I think it's your best one yet... This one is high on the list. So funny, so sad.

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Paula Rochman's avatar

What has happened to your country?

GO BLUE JAYS!

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Helena Handbasket's avatar

Must be tough for Trump to pick a side -- he hates Canada, but he also hates Los Angeles!

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felice's avatar

I don't think he likes anything or anybody - including himself - and certainly anyone he can manipulate. What would occur if no nation payed any attention to him and the SCOTUS and MAGA Congress pretended he didn't exist? Pretty soon he'd descend into severe depression and ... !?? Just wishing

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Chuck and Bev's avatar

MRI done on his skull was the cleanest the doctors had ever seen. It found absolutely nothing inside.

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John Townsend's avatar

--just an empty echoing sound......

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

not true - he has shit for brains

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Jim Yoder's avatar

I heard there were cobwebs but that could have been fake news

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Jan's avatar

This is my fantasy.

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Joan Conroy's avatar

As a malignant narcissist, he enjoys causing pain and suffering to others as well as being unable to feel shame or guilt for his hateful actions.

Sadly, 77 million individuals voted for him despite his wretchedness and now we are all paying a heavy price.

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Hey, Joan -- Just a couple of things...

1. "As a malignant narcissist, he enjoys causing pain and suffering to others as well as [ENJOYS] being unable to feel shame or guilt for his hateful actions."🤣!

2. Over these last 9 months, there have been -- and continue to be -- investigations into the how the vote counting / voting really went down, and these have uncovered a growing mountain of probative evidence supporting the contention that in fact tRUMP did NOT win [at least legitimately]. Mushk & tRUMP gleefully gloated over Elon's successful hack that got Orange Agolf Shitler the win -- on national news on election day. This was followed in June by Mushrat, after his infamous bromance break-up with tRUMP, hinting very broadly that he got ConOld, Commander in Cheat, the win. This hackjob is what "won" the Mango Malevolence the election, assisted hugely by the MANY MANY MANY other forms of voter & vote suppression and sabotage [bomb threats, deleting registered Dem voters from voter rolls, discarding (ergo not counting) Dem paper ballots, etc.]. This was a massive concerted effort to "win" Demented Diaper Donnie the election -- and by "win" I mean cheat, of course.

BOTTOM LINE #1: Even with Musk's hacking and all other vote sabotaging, still tRUMP only "won" by less than 1.5% over Harris, and by less than 50% of the "votes" (in quotes because millions of votes were created by Musk). It's estimated that actually Harris won by several million votes (4M to 6M), but that figure may grow when all forensic audits & investigations into the election have concluded.

BOTTOM LINE #2: 77 million individuals DID NOT VOTE for him. tRUMP is a criminal who cheated to "win" cuz he couldn't do it any other way.

It's extremely important that we understand this so we can stop all the finger-pointing, shaming & blaming directed at half the country. Did a significant number of maggot-heads, diehard Repugs, idiots & ignoramuses vote for tRUMP? Yes, but NOT half the country and not enough to legitimately win him the election. I'm gonna guess: 45%? More like 42%?

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Susan Stone's avatar

You are amazing, Floofie! I am not at all surprised at the info you have presented.

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Joan Conroy's avatar

Thank you, now would you please reveal where you obtained your information.

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Edith Griffin's avatar

Well, there's this 40-minute video about vote tally anomalies. Weird deviations from normal results absolutely occurred in the swing states. The statistics are very clear and they indicate some clever hacking of voting machines.

https://youtu.be/AWSWqn7UHYM?feature=shared

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

EXACTLY RIGHT. This has been commented on for months in various places, including the youtube video you reference. Very very fishy... One thing I heard - though now I can't recall on which program (too many months, too many programs) - in which it was very carefully explained about the percentage out of or over normal voting patterns that triggers a red flag warning that something just ain't right. All swing states which were trending blue in voting during this election suddenly swung to the red (while we watched in shock), but very carefully stayed just under that percentage that triggers the warning to investigate the abnormality in voting pattern. Talk about bigly fishiness!!!

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Harvey Perry's avatar

Where are you getting this information?

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Jim Yoder's avatar

Impressive

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Anne B's avatar

That’s priceless; maybe he will position World Series as ‘so over’ … no one cares blah blah blah

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Chuck and Bev's avatar

Right after he has Kash Putzsmell destroy the NBA and indicts Le Bron for not shutting up and dribbling.

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LYNN COOK's avatar

....it's trAmp who keeps " dribbling !"

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

love your "Kash Putzsmell" - thx

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Michael Bowe's avatar

Kash Putzsmell. You're slayin' me.

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Jim Yoder's avatar

Has anyone predicted that dump will have a massive stroke in January yet??

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Barry Blue's avatar

Is there an over and under? What’s the spread?

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Jim Yoder's avatar

I don't know but if there was one I'd put money on it I think

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L B Rose's avatar

Baseball is a complicated game. I doubt that he can understand it. It doesn't even involve an elephant or giraffe.

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Paula Rochman's avatar

Yeap - for him they are all losers. Given how many were not born in USA - surprised ICE isn't at games. Training for assault on Super Bowl???

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

Remember? Some months ago, ICE did try to muscle their way into Dodger Stadium, but were met with fierce resistance and had to back down!!!

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Kandy Brown's avatar

a conundrum!

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

love your "handle" Helena!

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

I wonder who or what he doesn't hate (other than itself).

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B Steele's avatar

At least fans will not have to worry about ICE raids around the ball park now that the Series has moved to Toronto!

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Barry Blue's avatar

When does he sign an Executive Order banning the singing O Canada when the Jays play in the United States

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Ada Fuller's avatar

He’s able to escape so many problems with this Asia trip: Epstein files, the shutdown, ICE and National Guard problems, TSA/airport issues . . . then when he returns he can again blame all the communist, HAMAS immigrants, aka the Democrats!

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Al Keim's avatar

Not only that but he has solved all our trade problems too.

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LYNN COOK's avatar

...and threw yet another log on the diversionary. fire....resume nuclear testing 💣💥

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John Townsend's avatar

Bombs away?

Surely, Trump would be violating some nuclear treaty or another!

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

The “nuclear option” for the Epstein files?

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matclone's avatar
5hEdited

I'm just glad we could enjoy the spectacle of a public event (World Series) without the presence of Mob Don. He would likely have found fault with the rules, the setting, the players, or the umpires--just like he does with our court system. He might further declare that no one knows more about baseball than he does.

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Jan's avatar

And he’d definitely grab the Lombardi trophy for his golden vanity oval.

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Jim Yoder's avatar

Lombardi trophy??

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Kandy Brown's avatar

I am a true Dodger fan. But if they gotta lose to anyone, I'm glad it's Blue Jays!

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BTAM Master's avatar

Are they qualified? Can they be trained?

“I didn’t sign up for this,” complained an exhausted ICE officer, "When I put my X on the signature line."

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Annette's avatar

with an autopen

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John Townsend's avatar

--or a standard issue large Sharpie!

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Joyce Zagurski's avatar

The GOP Senators need to be out in those fields to do meaningful work too.

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Annette's avatar

preferably without pay

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Joyce Zagurski's avatar

Lindsey Graham has volunteered to be unpaid Field Supervisor.

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John Townsend's avatar

Bottoms up, Lindsey! Pick that fruit!

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Marmo's avatar

Perfect, John Townsend.

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Marmo's avatar

Joyce Zagurski - Flimsy Graham-craker would be happy to stand around watching a bunch of men bend over - that would be pay enough for him.

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L B Rose's avatar

And no health care.

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Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

Perhaps that will be their “just rewards” when all is said and done.

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Joyce Zagurski's avatar

And my the Spirit of John McCain give a big thumps UP and smile upon their labors in the fields (plural)

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Joyce Zagurski's avatar

Sister! Amen, Amen to that! Praise be!

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Jan's avatar

Now that is an idea I can get behind. It would be the first honest day’s work most have done in a long time.

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Jim Dygert's avatar

“And in other news Homeland Security head Kristi Noem was reportedly changing sheets and towels at a Motel 8 in Peoria”

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LYNN COOK's avatar

Hummm!.. just a thought...have Kristi move on.to Churchill Downs..and " change the

" sheets " for the elegant equine gentry each early morn...

Might be a great lesson in humility ....🤔

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John Townsend's avatar

Better there than in government! Maybe her talents will be better aligned......

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Jim Yoder's avatar

I'd be afraid she'd shoot the horses.

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Jim Yoder's avatar

God I wish that were true....

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Harriet's avatar

At least the ICE agents are better paid.

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Frank D Repp's avatar

And by the government.

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Kathy's avatar

Ice holes are paid blood money. Disgusting

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Linda Andres's avatar

I loved this, Andy. I doubt if anyone will top it today.

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Give Trump time! Don’t underestimate him.

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Donna H Kurz's avatar

You are so right! It is so possible that for half a second, I was ready to believe!

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MLK's avatar

I only wish Andy had Vance scrape ketchup off the wall before heading out to pick crops.

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Annette's avatar

"hold the pickle, hold the lettuce . . . "

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MLK's avatar

Whose 🥒?

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Annette's avatar

LOL. I don't think anyone in the administration has the pickle to do the right thing!

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Floofie Snapz Back!'s avatar

BRILLIANT!

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Jan Fabiyi's avatar

Great! It should build some character! With any luck, maybe the rotten tomatoes will hurl themselves at these sweaty miscreants.

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J Cheng's avatar

LOL thanks for that image!

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Michael Bowe's avatar

I picture them with faces, screaming like that baseball in the Bugs Bunny cartoon.

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DonHolt's avatar

…and this ICE harvest will provide frozen vegetables for food kitchens in war-torn Portland. Brilliant!

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betsy gertz's avatar

Unfortunately, this funny story is no less ridiculous than the truth. We need to help these hard-working immigrants, obtain citizenship, ASAP!

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Mary-Jean Miner's avatar

If only…

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denise petersen's avatar

maybe they will learn the value of HARD work, and maybe gain an understanding of where food comes from, other than neatly packaged in their Big Macs!

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J Cheng's avatar

if only!

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Amy Cain's avatar

Or at least The Basics such as what to do w/Pickle Juice when the pickles are G O N E, what to do w/ that knobby thing at the bottom of the bunch of Lettuce & of course, knowing which Type of Mustard you like, Hot & Spicy or Regular. ???

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John Townsend's avatar

--and their behinds will be fried instead of the potatoes!

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Virginia's avatar

ICE agents would do a "piss-poor" job of it! But if it gets them off the streets with their weapons, their tear gas, and their flash bang toys, I'm all for it!

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Marianne Burbank's avatar

May they crawl through manure to pick the crops….

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