Trump Says He Was Surprised Biden Chose JD Vance as VP
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of rambling remarks on Wednesday, Donald J. Trump said that he was “very surprised” that Joe Biden chose JD Vance to be his vice president.
“All the people in the world he could pick, and that’s who Biden went with?” he told reporters. “I mean that guy is a stone cold loser.”
He said Biden made other choices that were “beyond terrible,” adding, “Quite frankly, I was surprised that he married Melania.”
Trump grew more incoherent as he spoke, at one point referring to DHS Secretary Kristi Noem as “Air Force One.”
Josh Hawley Accidentally Gives Fist Pump to Own Face
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after introducing a bill to undo the Medicaid cuts he had just voted for, Senator Josh Hawley gave himself a vigorous fist-pump to the face, witnesses to the unfortunate accident reported on Wednesday.
The self-inflicted blow knocked the Missouri senator out cold and sent him to Walter Reed medical center, where he has yet to have a visitor.
A new poll reveals that a broad majority of Americans support Hawley’s punching himself in the face, and hoped that it would inspire Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, and Rand Paul.
TBR Question of the Day: Who else would you like to see punch themselves in the face? Leave your answer below:
Now More Than Ever: Subscribe to The Borowitz Report Today
Actual fact: Former Missouri Senator John Danforth calls his decision to promote Hawley’s career the biggest mistake of his life. Given that he also promoted Clarence Thomas’s career, that’s saying something.
was thinking more along the lines of Kristi Noem shooting herself in the foot, but punching herself in the face would be good, too. Would pay good money to see Pam Bondi and Leavitt punch themselves - or punch each other