Vance Attacks Cats Who Do Not Have Kittens
Vance Attacks Cats Who Do Not Have Kittens
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—The Trump campaign on Friday was scrambling to contain the damage from newly-unearthed comments by JD Vance in which he disparaged cats who choose not to have kittens.
The GOP vice-presidential nominee’s blistering attack on “kittenless cats” occurred during a 2023 podcast appearance in which Vance claimed that “cats without kittens have no stake in our nation’s future.”
“The kitten birthrate in the United States lags far behind that of all other industrialized nations,” Vance said. “Increasingly, female cats in the U.S. are selfishly choosing careers over kittens.”
The Ohio senator painted a dire picture of an America in which female cats refuse to reproduce, warning, “Soon we will be a country overrun by mice.”
Is JD Vance a Plagiarist?
JD Vance’s attack on childless women is reprehensible—but it’s also unoriginal. Did Vance steal it from another politician? Read TBR’s exclusive here.
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To The Vancy Pants Whom It May Concerns:
Why won’t you mind your own bee’s wax and leave us ALONE?!?
As a teeny kitlet i was left in an alley in a bag. An alley cat! I had to fight for paltry scraps and the flakes left in tuna cans. One day a real tough Tom took over the alley and beat us up. I ran away and found a big box with a lot of green and colored flowers around it. I nestled among the flowers. A big pink think with blond hair in curlers saw me, picked me up, put me on the “porch” and gave me a bowl of milk. I stayed there, feeling I
must be in heaven. Then she brought me inside. Then she gave me a comfy place to sleep. And … catnip (swoon)! One day the pink lady (as I learned) shrieked and jumped on a chair. I was terrified, until I saw a teeny weeny mouse. A mouse and she was crazed! I leapt up and snapped the bugger up and gobbled it down. She loved me then! Gaga! She told her friend, who had a pack of mouse living I. The walls snd I gorged all week then another friend.
I now own the biggest rodent control company in Somerville. No, I did not have kittens. I want to make sure no kitlet of mine ever has to scrounge for tuna flakes. I have no Tom pimping me out! I’m my own cat! I pay taxes and Social Security and pay my employees well. We are raising the standard of lady cats so many of us own our own homed and hire a cat lady to shop for groceries and take messages. We don’t want you in Somerville .