Vance Caught Trying to Steal All of Greenland’s Minerals in his Parka
GREENLAND (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Greenland revealed on Monday that it had arrested JD Vance last week after he attempted to abscond with all of the island’s rare earth minerals hidden inside his parka.
As he walked up the stairs to Air Force Two to return to the US last Friday, metric tons of lithium, niobium, hafnium, and zirconium came tumbling from his bulky outer garment.
Greenlandic law enforcement immediately nabbed the vice president and shipped him to Denmark, where he will stand trial for grand larceny.
In Washington, Elon Musk said that instead of replacing Vance he would eliminate his position.
TBR Question of the Day: What else could JD hide inside that parka?
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A couch, obviously.
JD’s parka is stuffed full of mouth-watering smoked cat and dog jerky. And the draft of his upcoming jailhouse memoir, “Hillbilly Felony”.