Vance Hopes Talking Nonstop About Pet-Eating Will Make Him Seem Less Weird

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SPRINGFIELD, OH (The Borowitz Report)—JD Vance revealed on Monday that he is talking nonstop about pet-eating in the hopes of dispelling the widespread impression that he is weird. 

The Ohio senator, who has been struggling to simulate human behavior, believes he has found the answer by appearing to be obsessed with people eatin…