460 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

What else did Biden do to distract us?

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Alan's avatar
2dEdited

Rejoined the Paris Climate Agreement group.

Respected and fully supported Zelenskyy.

Created the cancer moonshot program and increased funding for other health research programs.

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Nancy Barrett's avatar

Oh, the NERVE of that guy!!

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

Brought dignity to the White House

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Taisa  Markus's avatar

Acted dignified.

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Hollis's avatar

Yeah, I hate that! Acting dignified, the creep.

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Paul Snyderman's avatar

He wasn't acting dignified. He was behaving in a dignified manner.

Also, he didn't claim that "dignity" was a new word that he just invented.

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D ODonnell's avatar

Like “groceries?”

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Kate Decker's avatar

Excellent distinction. Thanks for bringing that out.

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

yeah, like equalizer

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Taisa  Markus's avatar

Should be challenged in the courts.

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Susan Barnes's avatar

This one.

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John Townsend's avatar

--and with decency.

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Patti's avatar
2dEdited

Shored up world respect for the United States of America.

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Frau Katze's avatar

Of all the nerve!

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John Townsend's avatar

Lots more nerve to be rid of Trump!

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Richard Donahey's avatar

Treated previous presidents, even Trump, with respect for the office.

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Sally Joy Rubin's avatar

Yeah, he even said, "Welcome home" to the Orange Guy when he barged back into the White House. That took a lot of class.

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John Maton's avatar

Andy you deserve the Nobel Prize for Brining A Smile Back To Peoples Faces.

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Hollis's avatar

Wholeheartedly agree. I always laugh out loud at TBR's truth-telling. Yet this one made me a little sad today.

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LYNN COOK's avatar

Andy and Alan.....you.never disappoint...👏👏

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Kate Decker's avatar

Yes.

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John Townsend's avatar

--or that Mark Twain award....

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Ginni Simpson's avatar

He modeled compassion, empathy, and quiet strength, while also restoring America’s economy and solidifying our bond with our allies.

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Christina Johnson's avatar

Beat me to it: compassion and empathy. Thank goodness Trump saw to it that we wouldn’t be exposed to those during his reign!

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Theresa Kimball's avatar

He didn't pull funding, causing children to starve to death. He didn't pull babies out of the arms of their mothers. Aren't we glad to be saved from such weakness?

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

What a wimp.

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John Townsend's avatar

Trump=Super Wimp, in an orange cape!

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LHS's avatar

Avoided being in the headlines every day for saying stupid, outrageous, false things about our allies. Talk about stealth!

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Kate Decker's avatar

:-) !!

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J Cheng's avatar

He was in stealth mode to get things done, as opposed to Lard-a-Maga who spends all his time making sure he is the center of attention. I like to see Lard-a-Maga in a detention center.

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Annette's avatar

lure him into a center with a mini-golf setup

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Michael's avatar

Or maybe a tanning bed..

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John Townsend's avatar

--with a sedative mixed in with the orange bronzer. When he wakes up,

surprise, behind bars!

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Maria Jette's avatar

…and a huge Diet Coke fountain.

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Kate Decker's avatar

:-) !!

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John Townsend's avatar

--or a miniature golf place where the windmill can give him a good whack!

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Oaktown's avatar

Yeah, he hates "windmills." They ruin his view at his Scotland golf course.

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

or "Mar-a- Lardo" per Kimmel

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Helen Bodel's avatar

Merd-a-largo?

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John Townsend's avatar

Heavy, real heavy, on the "merde".

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SUZANNE Marie McAdam's avatar

perfect

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OleAviator's avatar

Lard-a-Maga lol

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Robert E.'s avatar

Orangeloada is equally at home being pissed off or pissed on.

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John Townsend's avatar

--alleged tiny hands in chains.

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Ruth L Barrens's avatar

Appointed Ketanji-Brown. The Infrastructure and Chip-Making bills.

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SCS - Michigan's avatar

Truly cared about all of us Americans 🩵

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D ODonnell's avatar

And his family with whom he is so close.

Acted with dignity, decency, warmth and “human-kindness.”

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Sally Joy Rubin's avatar

Appeared to have a great relationship with a loving wife.

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Dave Conant - MO's avatar

Kept his mouth shut when he had nothing to say.

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D ODonnell's avatar

Perfect!

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DebbieM (OH)'s avatar

Demonstrated authentic 'family values'.

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Ruth L Barrens's avatar

Loved dogs and had them in the WH (poor Major, though.)

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Taisa  Markus's avatar

And the dogs liked him. So unfair.

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Stephanie MacLeod's avatar

Act like a normal human being, and listen to expert advisors. Speaking of expertise, I see Harlan is expanding his repertoire of talents!

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JOHN FIDDLER's avatar

Won an election in a trump admin. And defended it from attack.

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Jan Fabiyi's avatar

And withstood constant disparagement from Trump his entire term!

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Oaktown's avatar

Without ever taking the bait. He was a real MAN, not an infant like Diaper Donnie. I loved it when Cheato tweeted about his [rigged] golf trophies and Biden tweeted back something like "You must be very proud."

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Oaktown's avatar

No. Biden wrote "Congratulations, Donald. You must be very proud."

Classic, understated, and underestimated Joe Biden.

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Tom Hudak's avatar

Biden tricked us into believing politicians could know things, be literate and act with humility.

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It's Come to This's avatar

Had the arrogance to appoint smart people to his Cabinet. The fool.

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Kate Decker's avatar

:-) !!

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Hank Napkin's avatar

His ageless, dazzling smile!

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John Townsend's avatar

--instead of just usually being tricked!

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Susan Gilbert-Collins's avatar

I feel like I was totally duped and distracted by the complete lack of chaos in every branch of our government.

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Susan Barnes's avatar

Me too, said the other Susan Gilbert😄

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Susan Gilbert-Collins's avatar

You were a Susan Gilbert? Hey, very cool! Have you considered adding -Collins to that? (But Barnes is a very nice name so...)

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Susan Barnes's avatar

Yes! Susan Gilbert Barnes. I may add the hyphen.

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Susan Gilbert-Collins's avatar

Just a heads up, it does take longer to sign your name. :D

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Pam Birkenfeld's avatar

And with the SAVE Act you might not be able to vote!

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Susan Gilbert-Collins's avatar

It's so insane, right??

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Kate Decker's avatar

yes, so boring innit?

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Amy Love's avatar

Support measures to address climate change and protect the environment

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Sneaky of him!

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Janice's avatar

Biden acted like a compassionate, intelligent human being who genuinely seemed to care and who wanted to make the country and its people stronger. Apparently that was just too crazy, unlike the sane rational group of slavering psychopaths we have now.

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Annette's avatar

<standing ovation> I could not say it better, Janice! Biden has empathy, intelligence, knowledge of our country's history and a dad-joke sense of humor . . . his four years, however, didn't prepare any of us for this sh*t-show dumpster fire we're living in now.

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Susan's avatar

And because he cared, the stress of the office pushed him into cognitive decline, Like Obama’s and Clinton’s hair turned gray. The office ages humans, when they give even one damn about the people they’re leading

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Michael's avatar

Susan - that's the truth of it.

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Michael's avatar

Make America Sociopathic Again.

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Rob Haley's avatar

Insidious financial support for science and the arts—Villainous!

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Annette's avatar

the cad!!

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Danielle's avatar

Got the country vaccinated in the midst of a pandemic that killed over a million Americans.

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D ODonnell's avatar

Bravo!

Thus is a great thread, people, much- needed. Thank you all for caring and participating.

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Jim McCarthy's avatar

And Joe likely saved a million lives thereby.

The mobilization that got this done - for free, for everyone, all over the country, in no time flat - was genuinely impressive and should have earned Joe another gold star (in addition to the ones he earned for the other conduct referenced in these posts).

Given Trump's mishandling of COVID, the COVID-associated problems fell into Joe's lap. But Joe actually stood up and did something about it. The fact that Joe and his team led that very successful mobilization - of doctors, nurses, soldiers, Guardsmen, and thousands of volunteers - has not been sufficiently appreciated, but it was problem-solving Government for the People in action.

i guess nobody wanted to hear more about all that once COVID passed, so Biden et al. neither took nor got the credit they deserved.

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Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

Made it possible for children all over the globe--and even in the USA--not to go to bed hungry. Something the Felon and his evil minions and handlers find absolutely repulsive: protect children AFTER they are born? Oh, god, NO!!!!!!!

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GL's avatar

Thank you for the reminder of all that Biden accomplished. This comparison is the information journalists need to be reporting on now. He accomplished so much in four years that Trump erased in 100 days.

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Annette's avatar

and tRump is bragging about it; I can only hope karma is swift and strong

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Susan's avatar

I shudder to think what his next lifetime will be like.

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Mary Gilbert's avatar

He’ll come back as the worm who will consume the other half of RFK Jr’s brain.

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John Townsend's avatar

--if it's still there!

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Susan's avatar

😏

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Michael's avatar

Susan, one can hope he will finally start learning to be a better human being.

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Kitso's avatar

No, let him be reborn as an ant, to be stepped on

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Bradford W.'s avatar

How about as a dung beetle?

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Celia Smith's avatar

More appropriate!

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Susan Stone's avatar

Better yet, a cockroach…

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Kitso's avatar

He's already a cockroach, and besides, they live forever--almost impossible to kill!

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Susan's avatar
2dEdited

I hope he will have a better start to his next life. According to his niece, Mary Trump, his father was a “high-functioning sociopath,” and his mother was absent from the family (medical crisis) for a year when he was two and a half, with no one taking her role. (We’ve often compared his behavior to that of a toddler. That is why. Devastating injury.)

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Glenna Boyette's avatar

I wish him to be reincarnated into a shit-hole country like the one he’s foisting on us, but as a bald disabled trans black woman.

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Annette's avatar

I'm hoping its very hot and fiery

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Michael's avatar

Annette- you can be sure he will in time sit down to a banquet of consequences and the dishes may not be to his liking

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D ODonnell's avatar

How can you be sure of that, Michael?

I’m certainly not.

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Celia Smith's avatar

In addition to Michael's thoughts on faith and existence,

remember: karma's a bitch.

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John Townsend's avatar

--spelled with a capital "B".

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Michael's avatar

D- I am as certain as I can be about anything in this phantasmal dream we call our world. We aren't passive spectators, or like neutrinos, ghosting through it untouched. We are of this world and indeed shape it and experience the feedback of that which we do. The more powerful we are the more we experience that feedback. My personal belief that is we never depart this dream and that the feedback is of great temporal length, only gradually attenuating. Trump cannot escape this world he shapes and because he is an emotional being as are we all, and because he is not immune to the inevitability of change, he will someday learn and regret his folly. This is a Buddhist view and I am a very devout Buddhist.

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Michael's avatar

But I can't expect me professing my faith is any kind of convincing reply to those who don't share that faith. The concept of retribution is found in all the world religions that I know of. But that isn't a convincing argument either; scientists who don't mix religious philosophy with their work state that causality is nearly universal, at least in the non quantum realms. I think we can all agree on that. Beyond this point my argument goes into the philosophy of Time which is indeed the central mystery and all roads lead to it. Even the paths that you, I and Trump are following.

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Elizabeth Greenlee's avatar

Oh please god, it’s what I live for.

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John Townsend's avatar

Especially swift and precise!

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Phyllis RP Tessieri's avatar

You’re the best! Humor as truth-telling. Thank you.

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Michael's avatar

In omni ioco aliquid veritatis est.

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Patrick R Ragains's avatar

Biden did a very good job. tRump is doing a monumental bad job.

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John Maton's avatar

Biden offered the help of FEMA to states by calling governors before they even had time to call him and ask. And he never differentiated between Democrat or Republican states. He was a President for ALL Americans, irrespective of race, creed colour or religion, wealth or political party affiliation. And I wish him a very speedy recovery.

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carol corsaro's avatar

Now its obvious that Fema has been destroyed. Nice work by crazy dumb people!!

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D ODonnell's avatar

Perfect.

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John Townsend's avatar

Amen!

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Alan's avatar
2dEdited

Afterwards, Dorrinson added that this coverup could have been avoided if the WH physician in the past 4 years had been a doctor with "expertise and integrity" like Dr. Oz (The Wizard) or Dr. Ronnie Stonewall Jackson. 😧

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Bobbie75's avatar

Because, of course, Kennedy is so smart, he is making America healthy again.

Pretty sure he will shortly announce prostate cancer is caused by one of the vaccines and blame it on Biden.

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Alan's avatar

Bobbie, here's Bobby's MAHA theme song:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cmjrTcYMqBM&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD

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Bobbie75's avatar

Should I confess I sang it back in 58? Never knew it would become mainstream health advice. 🤣 Of course I am sure he would recommend Love Potion #9 for women’s health. And I deeply wish there was a flying ORANGE people eater on the loose.

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Janeo's avatar

But surely Little Bobby has the cure. I'm counting on him.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Hmmm, MAHA. Is that where the awful Mwah-ha-ha laugh came from?

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Frau Katze's avatar

That’s a theory in MAHA circles, according to an article in the Atlantic this morning.

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Bobbie75's avatar

Of course. Did you expect less? 🙄

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Frau Katze's avatar

Nope.

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Vicki H. Wilson's avatar

Thank you, Andy! I know people are adding (appropriately) to the list of Joe Biden's "failures" but I simply want to say, thank you, Andy!

President Biden was disrespected by the GOP and Fox, etc. haters his entire four years and yet he accomplished more than any president since FDR for the American people. I just hope that history will treat his legacy truthfully (if historians are still legally allowed to tell the truth). Joe Biden deserved so much more than he has received.

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Bonnie Warwick's avatar

You stayed out of the news days at a time.

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Elizabeth Kinn's avatar

Was seen often with his wife

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Annette's avatar
2dEdited

<golf clap> (and he and his wife celebrate all of their children, not just the ones they prefer. . . looking at you Melanoma)

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Al Keim's avatar

Is this the clap most golfers don't get while playing the links?

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Kathy's avatar

Biden tricked republicans into bipartisan voting, resulting in infrastructure bills passing THAT BENEFITTED everyone. Then he got diabetes insulin prices reduced, so people could afford it AND groceries. Unfortunately Biden never applied orange makeup to enhance his image; and crazy, but he literally impressed world leaders without throwing his “big penis” act around- why? Surely he could have benefitted by misleading/screwing a lot of people financially… what drives some men to just lead good honest lives and basking in the knowledge that they helped people?

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Al Keim's avatar

What doth it profit a man if he gains the whole world but doesn't get to keep it away from everyone else?

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Annette's avatar

this is my sign of respect for comments made that hit the point . . . starts with a golf clap, sometimes its a snort laugh, other times a standing ovation . . . there are so many brilliant, articulate people here (yourself at the top of the list, Al :)

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Al Keim's avatar

Aah a Rosetta stone of sorts, many thanks for your kind words:-)

Apparently there is an entire lexicon of punctuation characters.

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Barry Blue's avatar

I use /s when I’m being sarcastic

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Al Keim's avatar

There must be a picturenary, puncturenarus, iconolist or somrthin.

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D ODonnell's avatar

Warmly Smiling and holding hands. The nerve!

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