450 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

What else doesn't exist?

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Erik Bruun's avatar

Intelligence.

Compassion.

The Rule of Law.

International order.

Freedom of the Press.

Separation of Church and State.

Due Process.

Fourth Amendment

14th Amendment

Sanity in the White House and Republican Party

A federal government free of corruption.

You and us followers know this list very well!

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Octavia Redwood's avatar

a functioning brain in all those in the Trump administration

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David T Moran's avatar

I'm afraid that a functioning brain would make them worse!

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

and that's what's terrifying about opportunist Vance!

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Betty Miller's avatar

That’s a horrifying thought!!

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John Townsend's avatar

--and lack of any functioning heart of compassion.

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D ODonnell's avatar

💕💕 John. TY.

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P J Johnston's avatar

Thank you Octavia!

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Italien's avatar

A functional brain in this “administration” would spontaneously combust and disappear itself. Jmo!😏

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Jocelyn B's avatar

The 25th?

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Erik Bruun's avatar

Yes, definitely the 25th. Pretty much the entire Bill of Rights, except the 2nd Amendment, of course.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

The Second Amendment isn't so bad as long as you follow ALL of it, not just the parts the rabid right follows.

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Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

If ‘Arms’ is taken to mean the arms that were around during the time the Constitution was written, I wouldn’t care how many people had muskets or how many they had 🤨

Seems to me that those on the courts who declare themselves originalists should consider that:

“Originalism is a theory of interpreting legal texts holding that a text in law, especially the U.S. Constitution, should be interpreted as it was understood at the time of its adoption.”

https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/originalism#:~:text=Originalism%20is%20a%20theory%20of,the%20time%20of%20its%20adoption.

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

Exactly! It was written 250 years ago. It was also before we had a full-time military or police departments ("well-regulated militia") which rendered the Second Amendment obsolete once those things were established in the early years of the U.S.

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Amy Cain's avatar

Thank you, Erik.

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Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

Yep, that good ole 2nd amendment will be the only one left standing 🙁

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OleFlyer's avatar

And half of November voters decided to trade all that for someone who would stick it to the Libs ☹️

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John Townsend's avatar

May karma stick them right back!

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D ODonnell's avatar

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏽👏🏽👏🏿👏🏾

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Tracey Gotham's avatar

Nope. The election was rigged by Musk

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OleFlyer's avatar

Do we really want to go 'there'? I was hoping just MAGAs were election deniers 🤞

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Judy Fern's avatar

They all get a D- on this list.

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John Townsend's avatar

More like an F-,

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Gordon Shumway's avatar

moral compass

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OleFlyer's avatar

and

Moral License

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Italien's avatar

The last factor has been missing a lonnng time! The corruption needs that bleach Fearless Leader suggested injecting in his butt with his tiny little untanned hands…😏

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D ODonnell's avatar

💯 Bravo sou, Italien, genetically 🇬🇷🇬🇷.

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Italien's avatar

Thanks, D Odonnell!! We Greco Roman’s are ass kicking! 🥳

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Lily's avatar

Climate change

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Doreen Dalesandro's avatar

You did a great job with your list, Erik!

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Gerry Boyce's avatar

I think you left out a few things Lol.

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John Townsend's avatar

--only too well!

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Harriet's avatar

Democracy

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Mary E's avatar

Conscience

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Gravity!

"Gravity is a Ho-AX!"

"Beginning now, I am selling TRUMP ROCKS so none of you will float off into space (and away from your glorious new GAWD - ME!!!!!!! Don't tell the LIBS...unless they have money!)

"Many TRUMP ROCKS will be offered, but I suggest the GOLD (colored) ONES!"

Wait for it...

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Amy Cain's avatar

Don’t you mean the Gilt colored ones (perhaps you mean the ‘guilt’ laden ones),right, ones that match the Oval Office decor that’s in dreadful

taste?

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

I never thought I'd see the day that The White House would resemble a 1970s stereotypical pimp's residence.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

"Guilt" laden - NICE, Amy!

You put me in mind to try to think up a few other categories/price breaks of Trump Rocks (and to battle some personal demons.) You're very welcome to add on! (Even to pile on!)

---------------------------------------------------

TRUMP WEBSITE AD

GOPWIP - new web-sight should be ready in TOO WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

********************************

Talc - $5 "When you care enough to hardly mind at all about giving Trump the last bill in yer wallet."

Gravel - $20 "Worshipful AND multi-purpose! Effective as a Lib-Blinding tool! And bought in quanTITy (LOLOLOL) can effective repave your driveway the whole length of yor trailer!"

Coprolite - $1,000 "When words and money don't say quite how far you're willing go to debase yourself completely for DONAKD TRUMP..."

Mt. TrumpMore Rock - $1,000,000 "A stone chiseled from the very face of Mt. TrumpMore, already under construction!! (ssshh! It's a SEKRET, but we've been doing a GRRREAT DEAL of chiseling lately, and TRUMP wanted YOU to be the first to Find Out!!!!!)

(Sorry, Amy. I'm really exhausted.... But I would love yor input!)

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Carole Wilcox's avatar

omg....I loved when you added the coprolite! My husband wears a ring with a coprolite stone. It's quite an attention getter and I am sure has led more than one person to google coprolite. lol

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Carole,

I aim to please, even when I don't know I'm aiming at all!

Especially then!

That is SO cool, Carole Thank you for sharing.

(I fully support wearing coprolite ironically!)

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Carole Wilcox's avatar

It's so fitting for how we feel about this administration.

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John Townsend's avatar

Don't forget the bright red hat with rocks sewn into the lining. If you lack

rocks in your head, this will help with that deficiency!

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

And little bells, right?

They GOTTA get a photo of that for the website!

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Amy Cain's avatar

Absolutely!!

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Olivia Ward's avatar

tRump Rocks should be delivered directly to tRump, who loves to defy all laws he doesn't believe in. He can put them in his pocket and be hoisted to the top of the Statue of Liberty...and defy the law of gravity.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Olivia,

YES! Are the Pay-Per-View rights still available!?!? Something like; Diaper Dooper Dumpster Donnie Trump Drumpfs Out

Or, perhaps lots of people, mostly women, can stand around him in a circle and gently loft tRUMP ROCKS at tRump individually, and at high velocity? (QUESTION: Is depleted uranium considered a rock?)

WOW! tRump'll LUV that this is just so, so...BIBLE-ICAL!

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SCS - Michigan's avatar

Morality. Courage. Truth.

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Ada Fuller's avatar

Basic decency.

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John Townsend's avatar

--and basic sense!

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Roger Fradenburgh's avatar

Trade deals.

Climate change.

Thom Tillis.

A clue.

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Alan's avatar

The US Constitution and Science.

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Amy Cain's avatar

At the very least recognition of ages old, original Constitution of The United States, for fucking God’s sake!

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Gary Farrar's avatar

Pam Bondi's honesty.

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John Townsend's avatar

--and natural hair color!

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Bobbie75's avatar

What the felon pretends doesn’t exist

A list of the women the felon paid off and their nondisclosures

Genocide in Gaza

Migrants who aren’t criminals

His sons who are idiots

Melania’s prenup which only protects him if she initiates divorce

What really doesn’t exist

Trump’s chance at a Nobel Peace Prize

Caring and humanity by our leaders

Respect for the felon (who asked the leader of Liberia where he learned English)

Sex with Melania

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Sean M Carlin's avatar

Trump’ business acumen.

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John Townsend's avatar

Well, that never existed in the first place!

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Alan's avatar

In today's autocracy, humor doesn't exist -- especially political satire 🥺

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Renee Collins's avatar

It totally exists here on The Borowitz Report, though, Alan.

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Alan's avatar
15hEdited

Fortunately Renee, it exists in Andy's TBR community-- and we're all very thankful!

In the WH and on Capitol Hill -- not so much.

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Amy Cain's avatar

Thanks, Andy! It certainly does. You wouldn’t miss it!

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David Earle's avatar

The Trump Qatari 747 bound for the presidential library was lost in the Bermuda Triangle

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Amy Cain's avatar

I always knew The Bermuda Triangle existed for a reason!

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John Townsend's avatar

--that is if the Bermuda Triangle doesn't spit him right back out!

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Annette's avatar

<golf clap>

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John Townsend's avatar

--with Trump as a passenger? If only......

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Frau Katze's avatar

lol 😺

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Cindy La Ferle's avatar

Decency and dignity

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Phil M.'s avatar

Though it may still exist, the Resolute Desk is being renamed the Destitute Desk. Because it represents the "We People".

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John Petersen's avatar

However, Trump has reaffirmed his existence:

"I stink, therefore I am!" translated from the original, "Oleo, ergo sum!"

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Robert Cadigan's avatar

The Epstein list is now lost in a government warehouse along with The Ark of the Covenant, Donald Trump’s income tax filings and his college transcripts.

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Ada Fuller's avatar

I keep thinking one of the DOGE bros has a copy!

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Annette's avatar

don't you wonder what all the DOGE crew is keeping for themselves, to resell or release at a later date . . .?

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John Townsend's avatar

I really don't want to wonder. Anxiety high enough!

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Marian Lang's avatar

I bet they have secret side agreements with Elon

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Susan Kemp's avatar

I think that’s also where they keep his medical records, with a special lockbox for his “cognitive tests.”

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MLK's avatar

You mean the test of "person, woman, man, camera, tv"?

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Ellen Holmes's avatar

and his bone spurs🤣

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Annette's avatar

and his concept of a health care plan, scribbled on a napkin with a sharpie

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Octavia Redwood's avatar

Hey-maybe there never WAS a "list" - maybe J.Epstein was so focused on his 3 tugs/day he wasn't even worrying about payoffs and influence peddling. He just needed his three times per day fix-it was a full time job. Everything else was others' speculation.

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Lois W. Halbert's avatar

Very good.

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Italien's avatar

Hmm, where have we seen this before? “Hump? What hump?”😏

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Michael Little's avatar

Oh yes, Marty Feldman! Igor! "It's Eye-gor."

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Italien's avatar

Yeah, “I can fix that hump…” lol..🥳😏

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John Townsend's avatar

--or in a back bathroom at Mar-a-Lago!

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Italien's avatar

Dear AB, thanks for the all things besides people that disappear!! 😂😂I loved waking up to Jesse.. long may he wave! He cancels out the photo of Dumb Blondi. (I mean no disrespect to blondes…)😏

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Italien's avatar

Yeah, and the holy grail. Was it..gold?😏

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Bob's avatar

Leave unicorns out of this. They never hurt anyone.

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SCS - Michigan's avatar

🦄

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John Townsend's avatar

--but if only they could use their sharp horns against certain fake blondes, people in power with orange hair, kowtowing congressional leaders with glasses........

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Italien's avatar

That’s a great visual, John - one of these asshats stuck on a unicorn horn!! Hehehe! Worthy of a haiku!!😂😏

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Kate Decker's avatar

Lovely comment :-) !!

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Kemmer's avatar

Currently? Lberty and justice for all.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Uh...

That's only ever had truth in America for white males. And that's still true.

Tragically.

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BARBARA RITTER's avatar

I know, I know...clean coal!

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Charles Hall's avatar

Clean coal is just like stinkless shit.

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Lisa's avatar

Trump thinks he has that, too

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Victoria Zielinski's avatar

Honor, Courage, Empathy, and Grammar.

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Renee Collins's avatar

Critical Thinking Skills, too.

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JAMES LEE FLEMING's avatar

I am really stumped this morning. I’m not completely sure I exist ( I.e. I can’t think tbink, therefore not sure I am). But, lemme think about it. Please ❤️

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Bobbie75's avatar

Given that premise, most of the current administration, who don’t bother to think, don’t exist.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Don't we all wish!?!?

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Kate Decker's avatar

When you have studied near and far

To find what really is and are

If you find you don't exist

Imagine you're a Solipsist.

Kate Delano- Condax Decker, Rhyme or Reason

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D ODonnell's avatar

Well-done, dear Kate.

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JAMES LEE FLEMING's avatar

“ The unreal has no being. The real never ceases to be. The truth about them both has been percieved by the seers of ultimate reality”—- from_______) Fill in the blank for a chance to win a special surprise 😎

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Stephen Brady's avatar

What do you expect when the POTUS is a 79 year old mob boss who wipes his face with his overused Depends?

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Harriet's avatar

Depends are the new Trojans

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Billsburg's avatar

Oh man, it is TOO EARLY for this discussion.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

I do NOT want to be in THAT horse...

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Harriet's avatar

Senior condoms.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Oh...

THOSE Trojans.

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Sandra Nicht's avatar

HAHAHAHAHA

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Annette's avatar

well said, and ewwww

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John Townsend's avatar

Double and triple Ewwwww!

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bitchybitchybitchy's avatar

My Eyes!!!! That's an image I didn't need to have

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Stephen Brady's avatar

Look at recent pics. His face schmear is the color of baby poop.

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ROSEMARY SCHLICK's avatar

News from Andy and a perfect song from Jesse. I'm ready for the world. Bring it on!!!

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Walter David Luce's avatar

First off, Pam Bondi's forehead bares a striking resemblance to Boris Karloff's. Secondly, only Frederico Fellini could be writing this "reality show as the White House". The exception being that if Fellini were writing and directing everyone would be laughing.

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Italien's avatar

I love it!!! Fellini would have a ball with this bunch. But, alas, it isn’t a dream…😒

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Maureen's avatar

The Gulf of America

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Amy Cain's avatar

Dump still doesn’t get that it’s not possible to rename a body of water here or any other country. Just ask President Sheinbaum herself. He doesn’t even know her name, never mind her prominence. The Gulf of Mexico was named 100’s of years ago but he never learned a thing in 4th grade!

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Marcia Z Bookstein's avatar

The Gulp of America.

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D ODonnell's avatar

💯

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Sharon P's avatar

A Nobel Peace Prize for 47

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Rosemary Gregory's avatar

As I also posted elsewhere, if Trump truly thinks a panel of Norwegians is going to give him the Nobel peace price, he'd best lay off Greenland.

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Amy Cain's avatar

Proof of his insanity. The idiot doesnt even know where Sweden is.

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Annette's avatar

tRump's golf victories as well . . . all those things important to him: respect from the world for his intelligence and diplomacy and great golf game.

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John Townsend's avatar

A Kick-in-the-Pants prize for Trump and company!

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Stan Duffner's avatar

MAGA making America great again

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Alan Entin's avatar

I am puzzled by this discussion... years ago James Patterson wrote a book, I think the title was Dirty Filthy Rich, which was all about Epstein, his girl friend, and the parties attended by Trump,

Alan Dershowitz, Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, and lots of other prominent folks... why is this such a secret now, like it doesn't exist.... if Patterson wrote about it, does it exist? If he found it,it must exist.

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Bobbie75's avatar

It is probably on a list of books being banned.

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Diane Johns's avatar

You have a good memory. I just checked…..the title is Filthy Rich and is still available. No I didn’t buy a copy

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Marian Lang's avatar

Just got it from local library

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Suzanne's avatar

Wow - I've never been tempted to read a James Patterson book, but that is about to change. Thanks.

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Frau Katze's avatar

The people in the book were identified as being Epstein clients (in court?). But the list is supposedly a lot longer and shows people heretofore unmentioned.

I think that’s what it’s all about.

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Amy Cain's avatar

I’m guessing but Prince Andrew was likely wrapped by The Family in thick gauze until the shocking news settled down and he was allowed a cuppa tea.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

A very stable genius in the Oval Office is something else that doesn’t exist!

The Epstein list does exist. Note that Pam Blondi said there is no “client list.” Clients pay for services, this sick activity wasn’t a business.

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Bobbie75's avatar

It was a list of blackmail accounts.

She said the videos couldn’t be released because they were child porn (of course, the girls were all minors). She failed to mention who starred in them.

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Sandra Hardie's avatar

I'd settle for a very stable anything.

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

Even a stable stable!

Horses can be very relaxing...

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Hugh Jarce's avatar

Said with equinimity (sp).

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foofaraw & Chiquita(ARF!)'s avatar

"Equinity(sp.) and justice for all!"

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Susan Stone's avatar

You spelled it correctly for the context. Actual dictionary spelling (yes I looked it up), when not dealing with horses, is equanimity.

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Amy Cain's avatar

Please God and Goddesses help us to endure this circus!!

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Italien's avatar

Yes!! Call in the pagans!! I agree completely! There are things that cannot be explained…😏

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Ginger's avatar
17hEdited

How you do this every damn day to get me to smile... thank you

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Amy Cain's avatar

Andy’s book has affirmed that there’s never been a “qualified” candidate or VP hopeful the last several decades or so it seems! The light has shone!! Thanks, again, Mr. Borowitz!!

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