217 Comments
User's avatar
Andy Borowitz's avatar

Happy Thursday, everyone! Amid all the heinous news, let’s celebrate E. Jean Carroll’s big win yesterday!

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

And here’s to hoping the Supreme Court has the stones to not hear tRump’s appeal and E. Jean Carrol getting her money with interest!

Bob Graham's avatar

Sorry, but this Supreme Court isn't trustable and fuels the argument for term limits for the Justices.

Joseph Sandor's avatar

The courts -- some call it packing, others finding balance. 13 judges seem to the right number with appropriate oversight and term-limits. Could have a lottery to select random 9 judge panels for individual cases. Could bar court shopping --lots of legal reforms possible.

Jocelyn B's avatar

What happened with E. Jean? I missed it.

Stephanie MacLeod's avatar

Federal appeals court won’t rehear Trump’s appeal of E. Jean Carroll’s $83 million jury award. I had to look it up, too.

Diane Smith's avatar

Wow. That is a plus +++ Her book was great. He is awful in EVERY way.

Annette's avatar

there is a God, and she is mightly pleased

The Rickster's avatar

Happy Thursday, too, AB. Is the situation more like heinie news?

David A L's avatar

You think Deadbeat Don will actually pay up? Hah!

Linda McCaughey's avatar

Hope he ends up with a contempt of court charge and lands in prison!

Susanne Pennelle's avatar

Great News! 💫E Jean Carroll Legal Victory (April 2026): The Federal Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit refused to reconsider its previous ruling, cementing the $83.3 million verdict awarded to Carroll in early 2024 for defamation. I’m dedicating my whole pot of coffee to E. Jean Carroll. 🍰🧁☕️🫖✨

Jean Jacoby's avatar

Yay! Civil cases are definitely Donny's Achilles heel. Tooooooo bad he can't make it go away.

Sue T's avatar

Regarding "86 47", the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as what it has been since the fifties: throwing someone out of a bar. While Hegseth and Patel might think that is the equivalent of murder, it hardly qualifies.

Or does "86 47" mean 47's IQ is 86?

Old Man Kerapsak's avatar

Sue, I think your estimate of 86 is a bit high.

Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Not even 86 in metric!

Annette's avatar

I think his IQ is closer to 47, and that's being generous

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Pete and Ka$h should be defense witnesses 1 and 2: How many times have bartenders told you “You’re 86’d. Gedoudahere!”? Are you dead yet?

Mary Gilbert's avatar

Pete & Kash: Thing 1 and Thing 2 (thank you Dr Suess)

Robert S Hunter's avatar

Agree. Think I first heard it from the Bowery Boys, or the Three Stooges.

L B Rose's avatar

As has been noted elsewhere, King Con is scared to death of seashells. Should we package some up and ship to the remains of the WH?

Skepticat's avatar

They hardly qualify for much except the dustbin either.

Purobi Phillips's avatar

His IQ does not approach room temperature in degree C.

Edith Griffin's avatar

More likely his circumference.

Al Keim's avatar

Article 86 of the UCMJ or AWOL

LiverpoolFCfan's avatar

And, just to emphasize the lunacy of this charge, here are some of the MANY words that have more than one meaning.

Perhaps we should indict and prosecute the dictionary?

1. Destroy:

To damage something beyond repair (e.g., "The frost destroyed the crops").

OR: To ruin or negate (e.g., "She destroyed his argument").

2. Eliminate:

To remove from life (e.g., "The sniper eliminated the target").

OR: To remove or discard something unwanted (e.g., "They eliminated that option").

3. Wipe out / Wiped out

To kill in large numbers or entirely.

OR: To defeat thoroughly or erase.

4. Finish / Finish off

To kill or bring to an end.

OR: To end a project or get rid of something.

5. Take out

To kill someone or destroy a target.

OR: To remove or withdraw (e.g., "Take out the trash")

6. Liquidate

To eliminate someone, often for political reasons.

OR: To settle a debt or close a business.

7. Butcher

To kill animals for meat.

OR: To ruin something completely (e.g., "He butchered that song").

8. Sack/Bag/Bagged

To kill game while hunting.

OR: To dismiss or abandon a plan.

Katharine Hill's avatar

You are amazing, Andy. This factual wrap up of the latest chaos actually gives me some hope that sanity may prevail. One day at a time, eh?

Denis Pombriant's avatar

I spent 25 years in the CRM industry, Customer Relationship Management. There the highest value we expounded was doing right by, and doing well for, the customer. Ask yourself, who is the customer in the American context. It’s the citizen, you me and everyone. Larry Ellison, whose company does a lot of business in CRM and others in tech appear to think what they preach about customers doesn’t apply to them. But if you look at the polling, the likes of Ellison, the tech bros, and all of MAGA are heading for a major crash because the customer is pissed off. Ironically, the people who should know better are all acting like Marie Antoinette.

Dan Crandall's avatar

Amen!!

Merrill's avatar

To the Faux King, the world is a giant kick boxing match. Never stop kicking, Never surrender. Kick long enough and your opponent will become exhausted. Ergo, our foreign policy.

felice's avatar

And Melania "who cares" jacket

Skepticat's avatar

Bring out the tumbrels!

Annette's avatar

excellent post, Denis - I could not agree more!

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

If you do something stupid, but

You do it only once,

It may make you a bonehead,

But it don’t make you a dunce.

If you persist in doing stupid things

But they let you have your way

Then you’ve figured out the Trump technique,

Perfected every day.

If your genes transmit a lot of stupid

To your darling babies,

Bear in mind that it’s unkind

But it’s as dangerous as rabies.

It's Come To This's avatar

One glance at the Lucky Sperm Club membership photo roster confirms...

Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

If I were a pretty dancer, I might do a pirouette;

If I’d made love like a stallion, I would share a cigarette.

Here’s the thing: I get a little thrill when I produce a rhyme,

And a little squirt of dopamine - it happens every time!

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Sing us a song, you’re the piano man, sing us a song tonight … we’re all in the mood!

Sam Popkin's avatar

Oooo a two-fer! Thanks!

Annette's avatar

Glenn ~ this should be read, very dramatically, on the floor of Congress! Repeatedly. By each member of the Democratic party. And by those few Republicans who stand with the Dems. And then this should be printed and attached to every federal building in D.C. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

SCS - Michigan's avatar

Glad to see ABC standing up ... I hope it holds!

Also true for E. Jean's latest ruling. She has an iron will and spine. A model for us all.

Sam Popkin's avatar

Concur! I call it “E. Jean tough.”

Erik Bruun's avatar

Trump does have a card! The Joker.

Dan Starr's avatar

Nah. The only card he has is a deuce… and judging by the stench, he just dropped it.

marlyg's avatar

🤣🤣🤣🤣

SCS - Michigan's avatar

👆soooo true! 🩵

Al Gorythm's avatar

25th - 47

Clym Yeobright's avatar

Are you selling seashells by the seashore, Al? I’ll take 86 of ‘em

Annette's avatar

I like that more better . . . someone near a sandy beach and seashells, you have your marching orders!

Joanne Elizabeth Schulze's avatar

Not only does he have no cards, his gray brain matter, needed for all cognitive functions, has been replaced with "nothing matters". The dunce cap is too large on his shrinking head.

M Q's avatar

That ... is the "Gulf of America"

Robert E.'s avatar

Morphing into Conehead Donwurst.

Sam Popkin's avatar

“So if you don’t mind my sayin, I can see yer out of Aces. For a taste of yer Big Mac, I’ll give you some advice…”

Annette's avatar

I'm looking forward to when that cap covers his face!

Patty Farrington's avatar

Thanks Andy for the alliteration as Don the Dunce gives new meaning to stupidity on steroids.

Lorenzo's avatar

With Trump, America went stupid. Now we are all paying the price.

Cindy Froggatt's avatar

Trump doesn’t need guns or seashells. He needs dementia care. Isn’t there someone in his life who loves him enough to get him the care he desperately needs???

Judith Richards's avatar

Clearly not Ivanka. She's quietly rolling in Jared's billions. 🤑🤮

Annette's avatar

maybe Miss Lindsey, but she needs AA herself.

Hugh Abramson's avatar

So he makes a Mickey Mouse attack on Disney. Donald duck!

CarolT's avatar

I would love to see rump in a poker game. He can't hide what he is thinking, so the other players could probably guess every card in his hand.

We have to change every card game that's been around for centuries. I'm no longer able to yell "trump" for a winning card or hand. We need a new word.

M Q's avatar

He always projects: if he had, say, a pair of kings, he would tell one of the players "you have a pair of kings". He thinks that people will be fooled by that.

JBR's avatar

No cards. No cerebral cortex.