Europeans Declare Rubio a Slightly Smaller Asshole Than JD Vance
MUNICH (The Borowitz Report)—In a joint communiqué issued at the close of the Munich Security Conference, European leaders declared US Secretary of State Marco Rubio a “slightly smaller asshole” than last year’s American speaker, Vice President JD Vance.
“Make no mistake, everyone here thought Marco was a ginormous dick,” French President Emmanuel Macron told reporters. “But JD was still worse.”
According to White House sources, Rubio was “shattered” that he had failed to equal the room-clearing toxicity of Vance’s performance.
“Despite his best efforts, Marco has yet to prove that he is a flaming enough asshole to be Trump’s heir apparent,” one source said. “JD has set the bar very, very high.”
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In this White House, competition is really tough.
Being an asshole used to mean something. Now it's another day, another asshole.