Experts Say Pentagon Has Used Up Its Entire Stockpile of Mascara

Jim Watson / AFP via Getty Images

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a worrying development for the US military, the Pentagon has exhausted its entire supply of mascara, defense analysts warned on Monday.

The depletion of mascara reserves is only one facet of a broader problem, the analysts said, as the Defense Department burned through ninety percent of its existing stockpiles of concealer, blush, and lip gloss in the first five days of the war with Iran.

Adding to the cosmetics nightmare is the closure of the Strait of Hormuz, which has brought the global flow of hair oil to a virtual standstill, experts said.

The makeup shortages have only increased the pressure on embattled Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who was seen last week in the Oval Office wrestling JD Vance for an eyebrow pencil.

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