Now that Greenland has everything under control, do you think you could put in a good word with Hartvig Dorkelson 😂😂and ask him to help us get our country back ? He would definitely be awarded the Nobel peace prize 😉Thanks Andy, your satire is brilliant and therapeutic! 😂
Very apt. But I think “ The Donald “ would not want to share the name with anyone else, a more than he would be happy with sharing anything, like—-I dunno—The Nobel Prize?
He doesn't like sharing it. Even HE knows that he couldn't get by with taking Kennedy's name off, but putting his above JFK's is almost as good to him.
I would like to reassure Europe that all this is a temporal matter. Trump may do a lot of damage in the short term but millions of Americans are striving to limit even that. I think the long-term will create for limits on presidential powers that trump has abused.
Good grief hope that it happens. Just have to fix at least 2 things 1) balance and enlarge the Supreme Court and 2) get rid of the the Electoral College which has to be the most outdated voting system still in existence.
YES, to make EVERY SINGLE VOTE COUNT we must get rid of the gawddamn electoral college. That shoulda been done 125 years ago. The Constitution is NOT sacrosanct and unchangeable -- it was purposefully made to be changed as needed, and if this shit show ain't a case for THAT, I surely don't know what is.
I think some smart economist figured out that if you got representatives as the cube root of your population it would fix the issue without constitutional change
Strategies that are happening are people in the streets risking their lives. People are organizing resistance. We will find that our democracy will be stronger for the experience of rallying to defend it from trump. They have learned they can not leave the effort to other people. It takes their own participation.
Yes. And, like the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, the Indian Wars, MLK's gatherings and walks, of so many people of all manner of ethnic backgrounds, may thousands not die for the resistance we must show and depend upon for our wonderfully diverse country.
But as we attend, vote and write, hope is not a bad trait. It may mean someone merely prays to their god and does no participation, engaging their anger or dismay, demonstrate, speak out with their community and friends: I agree hope will not get our country back on track. Just wanted to say: hope is a fine thing if it keeps some folks engaged, participating, rocking the boat.
Andy, Greenland is good to start off with a prison for pedos. But think of the expansion possibilities: prison for bribery/violaters of the emoluments clause, prison for war crimes in blowing up ships, prison for abducting people and illegally sending them to CECOT, prison for weaponizing the DOJ against those exercising free speech, prison for assaulting peaceful protesters, prison for murder of a peaceful protester.... The possibilities are endless, though we hope that a Greenland prison expansion program will put an end to that.
Andy, this may sound crazy, but we clearly live in incomprehensibly crazy times, getting worse every day.. Every specie in the world is quickly spiraling towards our own mass extermination, all at the whim of patient #1 and a small group of his immune co conspirators.
Yet we may be able to save every specie from this unforced error thru satire.
Satire is common sense written in humor, and TBR might be able to save us all from self extinction with something as simple as an “Epitaph Contest”.
Contestants can publish epitaphs on TBR for themselves, or America, or the World as we know it, or preferably a specific epitaph for patient #1.
TBR readers can preemptively immortalize our final thought on this shit show in an epitaph on gravestone that no one on the planet will be left to read.
My entry: “Here lies America, 1776 - 2026, at 250 she died from apathy of leadership”
Trump’s gold sarcophagus will be engraved, “I don’t know but I’ve been told, streets of heaven are paved with gold.” However, he will never get to find out.
He'll try to sell all of his gold to Saint Pete at the gates. Pete finds out its not gold but plated coal he got for Christmas as a 2 year old. Pete takes him into a room with a mirror and a fake phone. THE END
Hmmm, good good... but methinks bring a roll of TP for a better statement to be made via highly symbolic shit and its stench -- much more fitting for this malodorous malevolent orange turd and his unmitigated crazy shit show.
Well, grass turns brown from excessive urine (think all the brown doggy spots on a nice green lawn), but that's profoundly. satisfyingly, deservedly apropos.
That cheap bastard will probably rip out the copper pipes of that shitty ballroom like a crackhead on a binge when he get's thrown out of the White House and goes into exile in UAE. Sorry J/T for getting a little dreamy with you there.
Highest level scumbags if I may say so. I'd like to be alone in a room with Mike Johnson, a dozen or so bungee cords , a pail of water, booster cables and a 24 volt truck battery to ask him a few questions.
Why not give it to him hard ? You know the way that ass kissing coward is giving all masters wishes to us. I'm sorry MLK I'm not compromising one volt on this one.
It will be the best fertilized grave ever known to mankind. No one will ever have a better one, ever. Congress should make a law, enshrining that fact, and adding the site to the National Parks register. Women and children always given free entry.
Thank you, Floofie! I knew immediately that the original use of "penile" was deliberate as well as appropriate. The institution needs a huge funnel to drop them into so they would not have any escape route…
The director of the newly constructed pedophile prison, Sven Svensen, announced that one jail cell will be outfitted with a gold flush toilet and gold ornaments on the walls. Plumbing planned in the future.
How you continually come up with things that mock the worst regime in the history of this country is amazing to me. Today’s was brilliant! Also, I wish it were true. 🤣😂
It is 1 below zero. My pipes are frozen. The birds need me to crawl out into the snow and feed them. The dogs are howling. The cat is angry. I need a cup of coffee------------------and I open my email and see the Andy Borowitz Greenland line BURST INTO LAUGHTER! Thank you, Andy!
There really should be a safety warning in bold letters at the top of the TBR - like the "black boxes" on some medicines. "When reading, do not consume hot coffee. Place all utensils on a firm flat surface. In case of emergency go directly to the readers' comments."
But the readers' comments glide ever more gleefully into the atmosphere of my brain! (Mostly fog up there.) Thank you, Andy, and thank you to this hearty and strengthening community! You guys are the best.
To E. Jean Carroll: Yes! This is our one saving lifeline these days. Just be sure you do not take the swallow of coffee just as you are about to read the opening words of The Borowitz Report (before even looking at the photos in some cases, notably the white polar bear recently). If you do, you will trigger the familiar " TBR SPRAY Effect" :-) -- Kate Delano-Condax Decker
I wonder if AI could generate humor that would pass the Turing test.
How you do it speaks to an active brain that is robust(I love that word ) yet silly and not afraid to switch from your default satire to empathetic mode.
Joni Mitchell had a line about laughing and crying being the same release.
Well, I don't know if that's so but I would much prefer having feelings with highs and lows than a more linear one.
You forgot the most important part: the guards in the maximum security prison. They are polar bears. (Economical -- they work for food rations only, and find their own food. And of course extremely effective.)
And today Jennifer Rubin wrote, "the role of mockery, humor, and outright contempt for fascist leaders can be a potent, if under-appreciated, weapon. There is a reason why Trump so ludicrously overreacts to comedians; they expose his madness and hence his lack of omnipotence."
Invite him to Greenland, them set the trap! FREE THE WORLD! How can 1 senile fucker do all this to the world? And Republicans just make excuses for him. God, PLEASE! SMITE HIS ARSE & BANISH HIM STATE!
he doesn't do it alone. he has an unqualified cabinet and a large group of maga senators and reps who are either as bad as he is or scared stless of losing their money cows
He’s only the puppet whose strings are being pulled by those who have been planning this for years. The deluded hangers on eventually will be collateral damage.
Greenland has got this under control.
Now that Greenland has everything under control, do you think you could put in a good word with Hartvig Dorkelson 😂😂and ask him to help us get our country back ? He would definitely be awarded the Nobel peace prize 😉Thanks Andy, your satire is brilliant and therapeutic! 😂
I agree. Dorkelson deserves the prize. He's done so much more to earn it than Trump!
And......Hartvig's Swedish distant cousin Halvard Dorrinstrom is on the Nobel Commitee!
Didn't know that, thank you, for letting us know some people to thank.
A snail has done more toward peace than trump!
Trump did not earn a Nobel Peace Prize! He’d probably spell it “Noble” anyway.
--and both do not have any backbone! And the snail is smarter!
Dorkelson for President!
Karma rules.
Are the naming rights taken?
Obviously it should be called the Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein penitentiary for the criminally insane.
Very apt. But I think “ The Donald “ would not want to share the name with anyone else, a more than he would be happy with sharing anything, like—-I dunno—The Nobel Prize?
Well, he likes sharing the Kennedy Center. And Jeffrey Epstein was his best friend for many years, so I'm sure he'd like to be back together with him.
He doesn't like sharing it. Even HE knows that he couldn't get by with taking Kennedy's name off, but putting his above JFK's is almost as good to him.
Another building Trump could put his name on! He will love this.
Laughing hard here!
So long as it does its job......
Please, oh, please, may Greenlanders, and EU support, do this forever.
I would like to reassure Europe that all this is a temporal matter. Trump may do a lot of damage in the short term but millions of Americans are striving to limit even that. I think the long-term will create for limits on presidential powers that trump has abused.
Good grief hope that it happens. Just have to fix at least 2 things 1) balance and enlarge the Supreme Court and 2) get rid of the the Electoral College which has to be the most outdated voting system still in existence.
Also repeal the stupid decision that the Supreme
Court handed down that replaced honor with money.
Citizens United?
YES, to make EVERY SINGLE VOTE COUNT we must get rid of the gawddamn electoral college. That shoulda been done 125 years ago. The Constitution is NOT sacrosanct and unchangeable -- it was purposefully made to be changed as needed, and if this shit show ain't a case for THAT, I surely don't know what is.
I think some smart economist figured out that if you got representatives as the cube root of your population it would fix the issue without constitutional change
Onward with Hope
And Courage
“Hope is not a strategy.” [the late Prof. Stephen Gale, PhD]
Strategies that are happening are people in the streets risking their lives. People are organizing resistance. We will find that our democracy will be stronger for the experience of rallying to defend it from trump. They have learned they can not leave the effort to other people. It takes their own participation.
Yes. And, like the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, the Indian Wars, MLK's gatherings and walks, of so many people of all manner of ethnic backgrounds, may thousands not die for the resistance we must show and depend upon for our wonderfully diverse country.
Bravo, William! Beautifully said. 💯 agree.
--but springs eternal nonetheless!
But it is a comfort in times of darkness, need, distress.
But as we attend, vote and write, hope is not a bad trait. It may mean someone merely prays to their god and does no participation, engaging their anger or dismay, demonstrate, speak out with their community and friends: I agree hope will not get our country back on track. Just wanted to say: hope is a fine thing if it keeps some folks engaged, participating, rocking the boat.
Again, one can hope!
And may they forgive "us".
Amen.
OMG. You are the BEST.
Touché All! Full marks.
Hartvig Dorkelson is on the job; we can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Andy, Greenland is good to start off with a prison for pedos. But think of the expansion possibilities: prison for bribery/violaters of the emoluments clause, prison for war crimes in blowing up ships, prison for abducting people and illegally sending them to CECOT, prison for weaponizing the DOJ against those exercising free speech, prison for assaulting peaceful protesters, prison for murder of a peaceful protester.... The possibilities are endless, though we hope that a Greenland prison expansion program will put an end to that.
One can hope!
Andy, this may sound crazy, but we clearly live in incomprehensibly crazy times, getting worse every day.. Every specie in the world is quickly spiraling towards our own mass extermination, all at the whim of patient #1 and a small group of his immune co conspirators.
Yet we may be able to save every specie from this unforced error thru satire.
Satire is common sense written in humor, and TBR might be able to save us all from self extinction with something as simple as an “Epitaph Contest”.
Contestants can publish epitaphs on TBR for themselves, or America, or the World as we know it, or preferably a specific epitaph for patient #1.
TBR readers can preemptively immortalize our final thought on this shit show in an epitaph on gravestone that no one on the planet will be left to read.
My entry: “Here lies America, 1776 - 2026, at 250 she died from apathy of leadership”
Here lies Donald J. Trump
No one knows the underground better than he
That's how I read the quote as well. Because he lies, he lies here.
--and is the "hottest" of all those underground!
Trump’s gold sarcophagus will be engraved, “I don’t know but I’ve been told, streets of heaven are paved with gold.” However, he will never get to find out.
hopefully his headstone will be his presidential gold toilet, and each of us will have a moment in private offer up our condolences
He'll try to sell all of his gold to Saint Pete at the gates. Pete finds out its not gold but plated coal he got for Christmas as a 2 year old. Pete takes him into a room with a mirror and a fake phone. THE END
With a nearby sign reminding employees and patrons to wash their hands before leaving!
--and to wash their hands thoroughly of Trump!
THIS! ☝️ Too Funny!
Perfect!!!
Let's all barf in it!
Hmmm, good good... but methinks bring a roll of TP for a better statement to be made via highly symbolic shit and its stench -- much more fitting for this malodorous malevolent orange turd and his unmitigated crazy shit show.
We're already barfing so why not?
The grass above will be the greenest in world from all the spitting and peeing.
Well, grass turns brown from excessive urine (think all the brown doggy spots on a nice green lawn), but that's profoundly. satisfyingly, deservedly apropos.
Brilliant!! Thanks for the yuk yuk yuks... and for the YUCK.
and give it another flush...
--while jiggling the handle like Trump jiggled all his criminal affairs!
What a wonderful idea!
Who listens to this man and thinks he’s making
sense?!
Will it flush.....?
We could tease him with it. He'd chomp at the bit.
--so that's why he's putting on so much gold leaf here on Earth!
See? I told you he was sick!
Here lies one who died of lies.
Yep, my thought as well.
Donald J. Trump lies here. Sometimes dead is good.
Donald tRump lies EVERYWHERE.
Epitaph for Patient #1: Some men improve the world only by leaving it. Oscar Wilde.
Lieth Here Be the Bones of Democracy
Shot Dead by the Fox Idiocracy
--and by the people's apathy
plus the slide to mediocrity!
Oh, very nicely snarked! Well done, you!
Here lies DJT, the bastard choked on a chicken McNugget while extorting a cash contribution from the CEO of McDonald’s
A Borowitz was reported to have been in the vicinity & considered a rescue but decided to clean his toilet instead. I hope it sparkles.
--for the dedicated Ronald McDonald portion of the ballroom!
That cheap bastard will probably rip out the copper pipes of that shitty ballroom like a crackhead on a binge when he get's thrown out of the White House and goes into exile in UAE. Sorry J/T for getting a little dreamy with you there.
..she died from apathy of leadership and corruption of leaders.
Here Lies Lady Liberty
'Twas Fear, Greed and Stupidity
What Done Her In, Rapidity
"Give me your tired, your poor...... Oh, Trump can't have that. I mean, that make them the worst of the worst!
I would substitute "hubris" for "apathy"....
Here lies the dead planet, spinning lifeless through space unto eternity.
You might like (if that is the right word) The Warning on youtube on my channel leestephanieroscoe
On our 250th birthday America died.
Fantastic idea, Paul.
Can the contest start soon, Andy?
“Patient 1” is sheer genius.
This comment brings shock, and tears in my eyes, to me. WHY DONT THE PEOPLE WHO COULD STOP THIS HORROR SHOW DO IT?
Come’on Kate, you know the word.
COWARDS
Cowards, yes. And also grifters, hypocrites and traitors.
Highest level scumbags if I may say so. I'd like to be alone in a room with Mike Johnson, a dozen or so bungee cords , a pail of water, booster cables and a 24 volt truck battery to ask him a few questions.
Little Mike Johnson would need only one AAA battery.
Why not give it to him hard ? You know the way that ass kissing coward is giving all masters wishes to us. I'm sorry MLK I'm not compromising one volt on this one.
I wrote you a reply, but it went somewhere under its own volition elsewhere on this website. ??? Look at "most recent" comments and it may come up.
Looked here & there,I’m thinking it’s off to another galaxy.
--and FOOLS!
It will be the best fertilized grave ever known to mankind. No one will ever have a better one, ever. Congress should make a law, enshrining that fact, and adding the site to the National Parks register. Women and children always given free entry.
A penile institution for the maximum insecure.
Insecure about his penile.
I sure hope that's a play on words, because it's excellent!
A penile institution for the penile deficient
Or a “pedophile protector” good way to start the day! Is there someway to keep this pedo protector from getting back into this country??
He's a total pedo. No need for the qualifier.
Correct! Google: "Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump child rape lawsuit Case 5: 16-cv-00797-DMG-KS" on the Internet Archive
I was just going to ask to add pedo protectors to the prison’s mission. That can scoop up his entire cabinet and many in the DOJ.
They’re going to need a bigger island!
And many of the Rs in congress… I hope what they are building is big enough to hold them all.
If not, house them in igloos!
With no way to heat them…
I'm with ya, sista! Take the whole gawd awful clown 747 of them and drop them over that penile institution. Yes, penile, not penal.
Thank you, Floofie! I knew immediately that the original use of "penile" was deliberate as well as appropriate. The institution needs a huge funnel to drop them into so they would not have any escape route…
Offer him more money to self deport. Who would take him though?
No one …
El Salvador, to their continued shame and disgrace.
Satan in hell would be happy to welcome Dump.
I heard ICE is in the business of removing the worst felons from the country. Just a rumor. But where is Kreepy Gmome when we need her??
Redesigning Mount Rushmore to include hair extensions!
Only you, John 😂😂💇♀️
We never need her.
I would love to think that trump could not appear in public without hearing "pedophile protector!"
Europe doesn’t want or need him.
We’re probably stuck with him for
3 more years.
Unless, of course, s heart attack?
Oh hell NO -- his days are numbered now, and the countdown has begun. Hang in there!
Well again, there’s that “hope” word, eh?
Oh. I thought you were going to say "hang!"
The director of the newly constructed pedophile prison, Sven Svensen, announced that one jail cell will be outfitted with a gold flush toilet and gold ornaments on the walls. Plumbing planned in the future.
Also, bankers boxes marked "Classified" for that just-like-home feel.
And that toilet has to be HUGE to manage what's going in it.
flushing documents ?
Methinks Pat may mean tRUMP is so full of shit that it'll take supersizing the toilet and drains to accommodate the overload.
--and using documents as tp!
Svenssen
spelling is important!!
With only intermittent heat.
How you continually come up with things that mock the worst regime in the history of this country is amazing to me. Today’s was brilliant! Also, I wish it were true. 🤣😂
Everything that Andy writes is true!
You are the best. Keep 'em coming!!
It is 1 below zero. My pipes are frozen. The birds need me to crawl out into the snow and feed them. The dogs are howling. The cat is angry. I need a cup of coffee------------------and I open my email and see the Andy Borowitz Greenland line BURST INTO LAUGHTER! Thank you, Andy!
There really should be a safety warning in bold letters at the top of the TBR - like the "black boxes" on some medicines. "When reading, do not consume hot coffee. Place all utensils on a firm flat surface. In case of emergency go directly to the readers' comments."
But the readers' comments glide ever more gleefully into the atmosphere of my brain! (Mostly fog up there.) Thank you, Andy, and thank you to this hearty and strengthening community! You guys are the best.
Gives me hope.
1000% in agreement. And very well-said.
I really like “hearty and strengthening community.”
You all keep me going. Thank
you, Marcia. 👍🏼👏🏼💕👍🏼👍🏽
#Onward with Courage and Hope.
To E. Jean Carroll: Yes! This is our one saving lifeline these days. Just be sure you do not take the swallow of coffee just as you are about to read the opening words of The Borowitz Report (before even looking at the photos in some cases, notably the white polar bear recently). If you do, you will trigger the familiar " TBR SPRAY Effect" :-) -- Kate Delano-Condax Decker
Is that really you, brave and courageous woman?
I feel honored that you’re here…
Has he paid what he owes you yet?
If he did, it would be a first.
Is the Pope Jewish?
Trump’s Northern Mar-a-Lago. The cold will help the circulation in his ankles.
Hartvig Dorkelson!😂😂😂😂
He's been very busy lately.
Too bad Hartvig can't run for president. But his American distant cousin Harland Dorrinson can!
😂😂thanks for starting my morning with a big laugh! Plus a great vision for the immediate future.
Hartvig is a man of great abilities and many talents 😉A Hero for our times ! 😂
Still keeping the satire popping fresh.
Are you an AI presence or human, Andy?
I wonder if AI could generate humor that would pass the Turing test.
How you do it speaks to an active brain that is robust(I love that word ) yet silly and not afraid to switch from your default satire to empathetic mode.
Joni Mitchell had a line about laughing and crying being the same release.
Well, I don't know if that's so but I would much prefer having feelings with highs and lows than a more linear one.
Might be my ADD brain that seeks novelty.
“Robust yet silly” - excellent!
(It is meant as a compliment, right?)
You betcha.
Yep! Two time Nobel Peace Prize winner.
Dorrinson is famous for stopping 9 PLUS wars. Many people say so.
You forgot the most important part: the guards in the maximum security prison. They are polar bears. (Economical -- they work for food rations only, and find their own food. And of course extremely effective.)
I bet some of the Bears and Walruses from the Greenland Defense Force could help out.
I loved that video!
polar bear rations: lots of blubber UT OH we know who wears a lot of that!
Yes, relatives of the envoy from the other day!
Oh, but couldn’t I be a guard for just a couple of days? To give the polar bears a day off.
It might be a good placement for all those out of work ICE agents. I don't think we want them here.
Any ICE agent should join the prisoners -- as additional prisoners -- who the polar bears would "guard" (in other words, eat)
Their food is provided in the cells....
At last -- Pedophile Island. He's welcome to get out during the day and search for rare earth minerals by hand if he likes.
DO NOT LET HIM OUT for ANY REASON!!!!!!
Better yet, let him out, into the outback. Polar bears will "track him down," no problem.
Normally I would say “gosh, this is a hoot,” but I am finding it harder each day to laugh. Sometimes I can only chuckle.
And today Jennifer Rubin wrote, "the role of mockery, humor, and outright contempt for fascist leaders can be a potent, if under-appreciated, weapon. There is a reason why Trump so ludicrously overreacts to comedians; they expose his madness and hence his lack of omnipotence."
She is so good. WS this on substack, nytimes or where, please?
Jennifer Rubin writes on Substack under "The Contrarian" at this link:
https://open.substack.com/pub/contrarian/p/trump-gets-worse-but-the-blowback
Yes!!! A dream come true!
Invite him to Greenland, them set the trap! FREE THE WORLD! How can 1 senile fucker do all this to the world? And Republicans just make excuses for him. God, PLEASE! SMITE HIS ARSE & BANISH HIM STATE!
he doesn't do it alone. he has an unqualified cabinet and a large group of maga senators and reps who are either as bad as he is or scared stless of losing their money cows
He’s only the puppet whose strings are being pulled by those who have been planning this for years. The deluded hangers on eventually will be collateral damage.
Or losing their lives at the hands of the Trump cult of violence.
STAT