Hegseth Seizes Scottish Tanker Carrying Whiskey
ABERDEEN, SCOTLAND (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that sent liquor prices soaring on global markets, on Thursday Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered the seizure of a Scottish tanker carrying single-malt whiskey.
“Despite my repeated demands, the tanker refused to deliver its cargo to me,” Hegseth said. “You can ask anyone who knows me: Pete Hegseth w…