178 Comments
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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Never mess with a dry drunk. See: George W Bush

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Wis's avatar

Or my uncle Dave. Bad, bad news.

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It's Come To This's avatar

The very definition of "mean drunk"...

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Deborah Pettry's avatar

And never go to a casino with one. Or be sure to have your own transportation. Addictions shift focus and you.can be stuck there for hours. I guess Pete's shifted to murdering fishermen.

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Marcia Peters's avatar

I read somewhere today that we should be spelling it Hagueseth. One can hope.

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B Steele's avatar

You stole my thunder! This appeared in Heather Cox Richardson's Substack today where she said this is now being used in social media. However, I also refer to him as "Hogsbreath."

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Marmo's avatar

B Steele - I've been using "Kegsbreath" from a fellow TBR member. But, I really like Haugeseth - I'm hoping for that to come true.

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Barbara Ewart's avatar

Now that would be sweet! Held to account! Imagine that! 🔥❌️

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It's Come To This's avatar

Kegsbreath.

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Jerr's avatar

Or perhaps Kegseth?

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Purobi Phillips's avatar

He needs to get out of the US toward a civilized nation to fulfill his name's meaning properly because US is not a signatory of ICC in Hague. Hopefully a pilot makes a wrong turn in the future with him in the aircraft. I am sure most passangers will applaud.

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Chrisjensvold's avatar

Kegsbreath

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alex birman's avatar

Why didn't he just seize Scotland?

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

As a great man once said, "The land is easier"

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Marcia Peters's avatar

There are 2 Trump golf courses in Scotland. Above all can't go against the boss. (Fun fact: Trump has admitted and used the fact of climate change to try to get permits to climate-proof his resorts.)

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Kathleen McCartney's avatar

Don’t give him any ideas!

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DEBORAH K's avatar

I think because tankers are not armed, but Scotland has multitudes of kilt wearing men who would happily pound his sorry ass into the ground, and then neuter the poor excuse of a human.

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Deb's avatar
19mEdited

Indeed!! Real men wear kilts!

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Deb's avatar

I have strong Scottish blood. He wouldn’t stand a chance. The Scots would tan his hide and send him packing!

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Kathleen McCartney's avatar

Either that or he would freeze to death 🥶

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Roger Fradenburgh's avatar

"If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane."

- Jimmy Buffett

Thank you, Andy, for helping us stay sane!

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Marcia Z Bookstein's avatar

As he and Suzie Essman discussed, humor can change the world. That much power!

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Sean M Carlin's avatar

He should have seized it “on the rocks”. Secretary of Happy Hour

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Susie's avatar

Well done!

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Kelly Brest van Kempen's avatar

Och, aye! Th’ wee man’s a bawbag!

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Frances López's avatar

Now I have to look up "bawbag." My vocabulary improves after reading these comments.

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Susie's avatar

Right?!

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Sheri Drisac's avatar

OMG!!! Hilarious!!!🤣 (Yes, I looked it up, too!)

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Seattle Mom's avatar

So much easier to drink from a hose than from a glass. Hope he stops by Greenland for some ice.

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Susie's avatar

Niiiiiiiiiice.

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Rebecca MacGregor's avatar

Report Hegseth to the International Criminal Court. Impeach him, along with RFK, Jr, Pam Bondi, Samuel Alito, John Roberts, Clarence Thomas.

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lougee's avatar

a partial list is better then nothing

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David Gardiner's avatar

The full list is so long, we would have to house them in a demonstration Auschwitz model community.

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CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

OKAY!!

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lougee's avatar

???????????

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CARLA M LA ROSA's avatar

"...we would have to house them in a demonstration Auschwitz model community."

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lougee's avatar

not sure what you mean with the auschwitz comment

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Octavia Redwood's avatar

Scott Bessent and those slimy deal-makers; Linda MacMahon, the rest of the"cabinet," all new top level hires at FCC, FDA,FBI, CDC; then fire Stephen Miller and Steven Cheung-please! What is most cost-efficient--

Changed type fonts at the Sate Dept; or stopping putting up Gold-Lettered signs all over and inside of the White House (duh-which one's the "Oval" office?) and making new "Department of War" signs to replace the dreaded DOD signs which were perfectly serviceable (no pun intended)

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Phil De Luca's avatar

We now know that Trump has finally lost it mentally. His sons got together and sent a gorgeous hooker to the White House. She looked directly at the orange one and said: I brought you SUPER SEX". Trump said, "what did you say". The Hooker said "SUPER SEX". Trump said I'm tired sending all those Truth Social memes. Just give me the SOUP.

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Marcia Z Bookstein's avatar

Old joke that starts with an old Jewish man whose kids gift him a trip to Las Vegas. A hooker comes to the door (came with the gift) and says, "How about some super sex, big guy?" The man thinks for a minute and then says, "I'll take the soup."

It's better with a Yiddish accent.

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Phil De Luca's avatar

A Yiddish accent to Trump he’d have you arrested for swearing

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Marcia Z Bookstein's avatar

I'm not getting anywhere near that man. And I only have a half-decent Jewish Mother accent, but only when I'm telling people that they're not good enough. Or that they'd better be good enough or I'll have a heart attack.

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Lisa Botwinick's avatar

😂 could even really be true!

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Everything I write is true.

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Terri Merz's avatar

Now that is very funny, Andy!! Maybe not as funny as Pete Kegstand - but then you are not a total asshole!!

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Leslie's avatar

Pete Kegstand love it!

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Gail E Hofmann's avatar

That’s why I trust your words and quote you repeatedly.

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Lisa Botwinick's avatar

I bet his mother would agree!

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Lisa Botwinick's avatar

Of course!

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Marlene Lerner-Bigley (CA)'s avatar

I don’t have a clever comeback on this one. Bravo, Andy! You tapped into Petey’s most wanted desires.

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Alex Delehanty's avatar

inexcusable if it was blended not a single malt 🤪

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Barry Blue's avatar

If it has alcohol, he doesn’t care.

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Robin Beauchamp's avatar

Only to discover that the ship was empty! If you can see the bottom paint, the tanker is empty.

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Marmo's avatar

That picture, Robin Beauchamp, was taken after Kegsbreath had boarded the ship to do an "inspection" of the cargo.

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Hank Greenspan's avatar

Gives new meaning to booze cruise. And cruise missile. Apparently, two surviving distillers remained hanging on to the gunwales. Poof.

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Olivia Ward's avatar

One day he'll go down with the ship. (Or the s---t)) Anyhow, I'll drink to that!

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Molly Shores's avatar

Kegstand! Now THAT'S funny! They should get him drunk as hell and give him a burial at sea. Way out at sea.

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Steve Brown's avatar

Hysterical!

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