Hegseth Seizes Scottish Tanker Carrying Whiskey
ABERDEEN, SCOTLAND (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that sent liquor prices soaring on global markets, on Thursday Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered the seizure of a Scottish tanker carrying single-malt whiskey.
“Despite my repeated demands, the tanker refused to deliver its cargo to me,” Hegseth said. “You can ask anyone who knows me: Pete Hegseth will not be cut off.”
Hegseth, who ordered the seizure via a late-night Signal text riddled with typos, said he hoped his action would deter other shippers who dare to threaten his alcohol supply.
“The seizure of this tanker sends a clear message,” he said. “If anything is going to be loaded with whiskey, it’s me.”
Never mess with a dry drunk. See: George W Bush
Exciting day for old ladies. I was arrested in front of the ICE building in Portland Oregon. The charge was obstructing access to a federal building. Great optics, a small, 75 year old woman being dragged off by DHS agents. I was handcuffed and held for about an hour. Being a nasty woman, instead of cringing and crying, I made fun of them, bragged about my history as a serial killer, and how delighted I was about finally ticking off from my bucket list being handcuffed and arrested. My husband has the video of me being dragged away. Can’t wait to show it to the judge.