Hegseth Seizes Scottish Tanker Carrying Whiskey

ABERDEEN, SCOTLAND (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that sent liquor prices soaring on global markets, on Thursday Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth ordered the seizure of a Scottish tanker carrying single-malt whiskey.

“Despite my repeated demands, the tanker refused to deliver its cargo to me,” Hegseth said. “You can ask anyone who knows me: Pete Hegseth will not be cut off.”

Hegseth, who ordered the seizure via a late-night Signal text riddled with typos, said he hoped his action would deter other shippers who dare to threaten his alcohol supply.

“The seizure of this tanker sends a clear message,” he said. “If anything is going to be loaded with whiskey, it’s me.”