Melania…She wants in on the gossip circle…And it’s not like her husband talks to her or tells her anything. She has to sneak into the documents bathroom if she wants to learn top secret info….
Nah, she doesn’t want anything to do with anyone. Out of the loop on purpose. She wears that big hat so she can stay incognito. She is only there for the money which does give her one thing in common with the bunch of them. I think the orange monster threatened taking Barron from her if she left. Believe me she is in a prison of her own making.
And not to forget that after getting her prenup settlement upped, she quietly obtained an EU passport for herself and Barron. After the divorce (whenever tRump is tossed down the steps of the White House) she'll be off to the happier hunting ground of the Cote d'Azur, where there are some real, genuine oligarchs. And some even have titles!
I don't feel sorry for her. She knows who and what the Convicted Felon is and stays with him anyway. I wonder how much she gets paid per appearance with him.
A variety of thoughts passes through Malaria's mind: "Now there's a French (Canadian) tickler I could get behind." Mick Jagger; "Voulez-vous coucher..."
I didn't until you reminded me. So funny. I don't know if I'm dreaming this, but did they also have a series like on Boris and Natasha the Russian Spies? Do you remember that cartoon on TV? For some reason I remember of version of it in MAD.
That was The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Boris and Natasha Fatale (I can't remember Boris' last name) were Russian spies. They worked for Fearless Leader, I believe.
I can remember that, but not what I had for breakfast.
That's funny, because Playboy was in ours LOL. It came in a green paper wrapper. I think.I was reading it since.I was 10. My father used to say "I don't care that you're reading it, but at least let me know I got it". I think it was shortly after I got my own subscription to Glamour Magazine 😂
My favorite was MAD's spoof of Lawrence of Arabia -- where Lawrence danced along the roof of a train in his flowing robes singing "I Feel Pretty." Rosemary's Baby was also good: Rosematzoh's Baby.
😂 There are so many funny people here, but imagine doing that as your job 24/7. Thinking these things up. Hour after hour. Day after day. How can they not be hysterical at the office all day long? The movie spoofs without a doubt were the funniest. They are what we remember.
I found it on eBay years ago. It was one of the ones that stuck with me because Dr. Z is one of my favorite films, and remembered the issue and bought it. I wish I had stacks of them to go through.
Me, too! And my kids' dad saved his Mad Magazines from the 70s and 80s so they got those issues as well!
When we looked at colleges back East we visited the Mad headquarters on 57th These were true artists, and it was amazing to see their stuff in person. Better than any museum I've been to. And the staff was so friendly--showed us around! This was serious stuff they produced.
It was so brilliant. Look how many of us remember it. That is some collection! How lucky you were to go there and I'm sure they loved showing you around. Satire is serious!
I was looking at tons of covers and issues this afternoon. One showed a single picture of Alfred next to a picture that was a facial mix of Alfred and David Letterman. They looked exactly alike 😂 I was on the MAD mag hunt today not to buy, just to remember. It was really fun.
My mom let me subscribe to the lampoon but then would put it under my bed. I was always confused about that. I thank you for helping me become the sane adult I am today. 😊
It was the magazine of our blooming adulthood. We still read Mad but it seemed so childish all of a sudden
And this column is destined to be a Classic. Just the premise alone got me going and then so cleverly written!
Since I’m sure Vlad has had any and all pertinent info he requested provided already, I nominate Kim Jung Un as the next to be friended and included in all future chats.
I would have chosen perhaps ten years earlier. Then we would have been spared seeing the destruction of our democracy, the resurgence of fascism, and the demolition of rules-based International order.
Andy, do I have it right: "BUY THIS MAGAZONE OR THE DOG DIES"? I had that edition of the Lampoon for years and saved the cover when the rest had fallen apart. I hadn't thought of it in years, but then . . . Kristi Noem! NL was prescient!
I had a teacher in 7th grade who showed us MAD MAGAZINE. Mr. Himmelfarb. We were enlightened by this wonderful English teacher and his cousin Mr. Whitman!!
Off subject, but close to my heart: An abusive adult I met and apparently offended, used to leave me nasty, threatening voicemails with the caller ID Johnnie Walker. And yes, I suspect they were bosom buddies.
Bill Maher. Now that he's got the inside scoop on the real, funny, chummy Trump, he's thirsting for more information on anybody else in the Trump administration so that he can uncover more folks who, on the surface, appear either dumb or evil, but who are probably actually great guys.
I second the motion. Bill needs to uncover more nice guys in Trump’s so-called administration. BTW, former Mad Magazine subscriber here, followed by the National Lampoon in college. I guess that dates me! The kids today wouldn’t get the jokes.
In efforts to make their own comeback on the world stage, Isis leaders voted to ignore their religious objections to associating with women, in hopes that Mrs Hegseth can boost their ratings … and make ISIS great again!
Hilarious! Thank you, Andy, for laughter in the midst of despair. I understand that Kristi Noem, that jewel of perversity, was the victim of theft--someone took some of her belongings, including $10,000. I'm disapointed. Is crime also declining in these vexing times? Why didn't they steal Kristi Noem and disappeared her to El Salvador where she can show off her $500,000 Rolex watch while visiting CECOT? So classy.
I thought it was $3k. Along with her passport, DHS security badge, her checkbook, apartment keys, and wallet. My question is why didn't her Secret Service Detail notice anything?
In all fairness, the news said that she was planning to treat the bunch of relatives she came with, to the restaurant meal. That's what she needed the cash for. How disappointing for her that her plans went awry.
LOL . . . wonder if anyone thought that when they printed the story . . . looking for sympathy for her, when, in fact, it just reinforces the incompetence in the administration (but you're the "boss", Petey!)
She probably didn't want to pay the 3% surcharge for using a credit card at the restaurant. I think it's hysterical that the Metropolitan police referred questions to the Secret Service who then referred back to Homeland Security. Wait, isn't she in charge of that?! And the tapes showed a white man in a medical mask taking her handbag.
Either way, I don’t think she has to worry about money. She has been selling autographed copies of the iconic image of her in the prison in El Salvador. She has also become a brand ambassador for Rolex.
SHAME on Rolex, if the reason for their price increase is because of Kristi Noem’s insatiable appetite to sell herself any way she can. Hence belittling herself by selling photos inside CECOT with incarcerated men behind her. Greed is a sickness. (Could the price increase for Rolex be due to tariff adjustment?)
I don’t think Rolex actually raised the price- I was commenting on how increasingly fantastical and innacurate News stories become when exposed to the Interweb
At age 44, Hegseth has been married 3 times and has 7 kids. Elon Musk has had five+ marriages/"relationships" that has netted 10 living children from 3 official wives. Trump has 5 kids with 3 wives. 22 kids, trump's 10 grands + 11 ex/current wives is enough for a "friends and family" shared national Signal Chat. I'll bet those kiddos (young and old) would have a blast playing with the nuclear buttons (like the old Staples commercials "That was Easy"!) and real life command over the military . . . nothing like true reality games to build character.
Dan - We saw recently that orange man does not like Kennedy's wife, Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm) - he passed over her in a receiving line. The reaction on her face indicated that she was aware that he was purposely ignoring her.
Me either. I loathe her. The Schadenfreude when he ghosted her as she put her hand out. She turned red as a beet. But he's done it to Tiffany too. She was on line at the RNC and when she went to kiss him he pushed her away when he noticed she wasn't Ivanka (he must be too vain for glasses or contacts because he thought E Jean Carroll was Marla.😂).
No, at this point she's pay-for-play. She negotiated a 3rd probably iron clad post nup. I'm sure #1 is she never has to look at or touch it/him again as long as she's available for state banquets, dead president or first lady funerals, and if he throws her some extra crypto maybe she'll show up for a wedding or bar mitzvah (except for Tiffany's baby shower because she has zero fucks to give)!
Oh I hate her and Clarence. Why hasn’t Clarence been mentioned as a quisling? Sorry that’s a different Substack. I’m confusing myself. Too many bad guys out there and good news platforms. But Clarence had to have been in the loop. Or is he too deaf? He was deaf to Anita. He is deaf to any humanitarian issue. Oy!
Melania…She wants in on the gossip circle…And it’s not like her husband talks to her or tells her anything. She has to sneak into the documents bathroom if she wants to learn top secret info….
Nah, she doesn’t want anything to do with anyone. Out of the loop on purpose. She wears that big hat so she can stay incognito. She is only there for the money which does give her one thing in common with the bunch of them. I think the orange monster threatened taking Barron from her if she left. Believe me she is in a prison of her own making.
NO sympathy for her.
No I wasn’t expressing sympathy. No sympathy for any of them
No "prison" either - she freely chose her gilded bed!
And not to forget that after getting her prenup settlement upped, she quietly obtained an EU passport for herself and Barron. After the divorce (whenever tRump is tossed down the steps of the White House) she'll be off to the happier hunting ground of the Cote d'Azur, where there are some real, genuine oligarchs. And some even have titles!
Wouldn't be at all surprised!
So she will be following the example of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.
Why not?!… she already copied word for word Michelle Obama’s speech.
BTW…
🥳 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 🥳
#🏴 #🏴 #🏴
Where would he have taken Barron???? El Salvador prison? I think he he cares less about his children unless he is able to sexualize them.
Or until they can make money for him.
I don't feel sorry for her. She knows who and what the Convicted Felon is and stays with him anyway. I wonder how much she gets paid per appearance with him.
I thought of that too. Probably part of the prenup
Bought and paid for. Just like any other Russian owned asset.
Be careful which bed you're making, 'cause that's where you'll be sleeping!
I feel bad that I can't feel sorry for her. Here. I'm trying...
Or threatened to unalive her and bury her on his golf course next to Ivana.
Marianne, you rocked it! Thanks for the laugh!
You are welcome! 😂
Poor Melania. Do you remember when Trump caught her watching the news on CNN? She was in bad, bad trouble.
I really don't care. Do U?
Love it, Ian!
No, I don't.
This says it all about Melania. She is as sociopathic as the rest of Trump et al.
Much safer and more reliable too for her to get her news from Mrs. Hegseth!
Gets rid of the middleman.
I saw the picture of her looking at Trudeau. She finds him attractive and never looks at 47 that way.
I don't blame her. Trudeau is cute and nice, and 47 is neither.
A variety of thoughts passes through Malaria's mind: "Now there's a French (Canadian) tickler I could get behind." Mick Jagger; "Voulez-vous coucher..."
Love that u called her Malaria typo or not that’s funny
Thanks. Def not a typo.
How about Gavin Newsom, her dream boyfriend?
😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hystericcal
Yes good one!
Good one. Thanks.
In honor of the Onionesque articles, we dub you _The Garlic_. 😂
I wrote for the Lampoon—we were the Onion before the Onion
You did? Not only are you adorable, but brilliant! Hysterically witty. I should have known. Did you grow up with Mad Magazine like me?
I loved Mad Magazine!
remember the back page you folded, to reveal a "new" cartoon . . . good times!
I didn't until you reminded me. So funny. I don't know if I'm dreaming this, but did they also have a series like on Boris and Natasha the Russian Spies? Do you remember that cartoon on TV? For some reason I remember of version of it in MAD.
Spy vs. Spy - which was resurrected in Melanoma's inaugural outfit.
Boris (Darling!) and Natasha were on Rocky and Bullwinkle along with fractured fairy tales and all the rest!
Rocky & Bullwinkle!
Marginal Marvin…finding little hysterical comments tucked into the folds and on the edges of pages. The best magazine for comedy and culture EVER…
That was The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. Boris and Natasha Fatale (I can't remember Boris' last name) were Russian spies. They worked for Fearless Leader, I believe.
I can remember that, but not what I had for breakfast.
Rocky and Bullwinkle?
Boris and Natasha were in Fractured Fairy Tales.
It was called the "fold-in", I think the idea came from the Playboy "fold-out". Mad Magazine was a staple in our house.
That's funny, because Playboy was in ours LOL. It came in a green paper wrapper. I think.I was reading it since.I was 10. My father used to say "I don't care that you're reading it, but at least let me know I got it". I think it was shortly after I got my own subscription to Glamour Magazine 😂
I had a subscription to Mad Magazine and Psychology Today. What does that say about me? 😂 I still have some of my Mads. I can't get rid of them.
I believe that says you're a well-rounded person, Stacey! :)
I love it! It's such an insight to people. Like as much as I love.to laugh, comedies are my least.favorite genre. the darker, the better.
I wish I had your MADS to look at. Do you have them protected in plastic sleeves?
I don't, but I should.
Me.too! I think I still have the one where they spoofed the movie "Dr. Zhivago". It was hysterically funny.
My favorite was MAD's spoof of Lawrence of Arabia -- where Lawrence danced along the roof of a train in his flowing robes singing "I Feel Pretty." Rosemary's Baby was also good: Rosematzoh's Baby.
😂 There are so many funny people here, but imagine doing that as your job 24/7. Thinking these things up. Hour after hour. Day after day. How can they not be hysterical at the office all day long? The movie spoofs without a doubt were the funniest. They are what we remember.
They were all good
I remember the "Rosemary's Baby" spoof as "Rose-Mia's Boo-Boo." Am I confused?
Right?!! They called it "Dr. Chicago"!
I found it on eBay years ago. It was one of the ones that stuck with me because Dr. Z is one of my favorite films, and remembered the issue and bought it. I wish I had stacks of them to go through.
Me, too! And my kids' dad saved his Mad Magazines from the 70s and 80s so they got those issues as well!
When we looked at colleges back East we visited the Mad headquarters on 57th These were true artists, and it was amazing to see their stuff in person. Better than any museum I've been to. And the staff was so friendly--showed us around! This was serious stuff they produced.
It was so brilliant. Look how many of us remember it. That is some collection! How lucky you were to go there and I'm sure they loved showing you around. Satire is serious!
Alfred E. Neuman was one of my childhood heros.
What? Me worry?
I was looking at tons of covers and issues this afternoon. One showed a single picture of Alfred next to a picture that was a facial mix of Alfred and David Letterman. They looked exactly alike 😂 I was on the MAD mag hunt today not to buy, just to remember. It was really fun.
I do miss MAD Magazine...
I thought it was melanoma.
My mom let me subscribe to the lampoon but then would put it under my bed. I was always confused about that. I thank you for helping me become the sane adult I am today. 😊
Definitely. I was at the College '60-64. Loved it (the Lampoon).
It was the magazine of our blooming adulthood. We still read Mad but it seemed so childish all of a sudden
And this column is destined to be a Classic. Just the premise alone got me going and then so cleverly written!
Since I’m sure Vlad has had any and all pertinent info he requested provided already, I nominate Kim Jung Un as the next to be friended and included in all future chats.
There's really a large bunch of old fogies here. Including me.
And we are so lucky to have grown up when we did, weren't we?
I would have chosen perhaps ten years earlier. Then we would have been spared seeing the destruction of our democracy, the resurgence of fascism, and the demolition of rules-based International order.
We were, in many ways. We did have a lot of fun but if you are an ambitious female, African-American, Latino, “not so much.”
Your devoted fans know this. Did you engage in civil discourse with the Crimson? Enquiring minds would like to know.
I remember the Lampoon! 😂
Andy, do I have it right: "BUY THIS MAGAZONE OR THE DOG DIES"? I had that edition of the Lampoon for years and saved the cover when the rest had fallen apart. I hadn't thought of it in years, but then . . . Kristi Noem! NL was prescient!
I still think "The Leek" has great potential.
You are "The Geator with the Heater" and "The Big Boss with the Hot Sauce," like Jerry Blavat the Philadelphia DJ in the 1960's and 70's!
The Harvard Lampoon or the national Lampoon. That goes way back. I grew up reading Mad magazine the father of them all.
I had a teacher in 7th grade who showed us MAD MAGAZINE. Mr. Himmelfarb. We were enlightened by this wonderful English teacher and his cousin Mr. Whitman!!
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Johnnie Walker. “Pete says he is a “dear friend.””
Don’t forget Jose Quervo!
And the Wild Turkey (which is actually Erdoğan's secret service moniker).
And his cousin Juan Valdez.
Jose in CECOT. They took his phone.
I was here to say the same thing!
I DID say the same thing because I post before reading. Premature ejaculation of the fingers and brain.
Chuck, my father confessed that he would cause embarrassing silences in staff meetings because he suffered from premature jocularity.
how about Annie Green Springs? (I'm dating myself with that one)
Not forgetting cousins Jack and Jim.
Off subject, but close to my heart: An abusive adult I met and apparently offended, used to leave me nasty, threatening voicemails with the caller ID Johnnie Walker. And yes, I suspect they were bosom buddies.
Johnnie don’t take naw fer an answer.
His first two wives?
Justa's couch is getting bored with him and looking for friends like Peter Pecker's wife for weekly "girls nights out".
And the couch surmises this may lead to a cushiony job in the Pentagon🛋️🎖️
😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆
Groan!!
He has two other wives - like Trump?
Can you imagine?
Bill Maher. Now that he's got the inside scoop on the real, funny, chummy Trump, he's thirsting for more information on anybody else in the Trump administration so that he can uncover more folks who, on the surface, appear either dumb or evil, but who are probably actually great guys.
I second the motion. Bill needs to uncover more nice guys in Trump’s so-called administration. BTW, former Mad Magazine subscriber here, followed by the National Lampoon in college. I guess that dates me! The kids today wouldn’t get the jokes.
Unlike Alfred E. Newman, ME WORRY!
My kids, born 1990 and 1991, LOVED Mad-- read every issue we'd saved.
Totally agree.
As far as who else would friend Mrs.Hegseth…Vladimir Putin, because…oh wait….he’s already on the Pentagon chat…every one of them.
In efforts to make their own comeback on the world stage, Isis leaders voted to ignore their religious objections to associating with women, in hopes that Mrs Hegseth can boost their ratings … and make ISIS great again!
Hilarious! Thank you, Andy, for laughter in the midst of despair. I understand that Kristi Noem, that jewel of perversity, was the victim of theft--someone took some of her belongings, including $10,000. I'm disapointed. Is crime also declining in these vexing times? Why didn't they steal Kristi Noem and disappeared her to El Salvador where she can show off her $500,000 Rolex watch while visiting CECOT? So classy.
It seems the amount taken when her bag/purse was stolen has increased from $2,000. to $10,000. ?!
I thought it was $3k. Along with her passport, DHS security badge, her checkbook, apartment keys, and wallet. My question is why didn't her Secret Service Detail notice anything?
that is a mystery to me. and who carries around all that stuff? she is dumber than a pile of rocks (sorry rocks)
Who today carries around $3000 in cash? What was she planning to buy, for which she had to pay in cash?
And why was she carrying her passport? Planning another photo op at the prison?🙄
So she could remember who she is?
Dog food?
It sounds like bribery fuel.
Amish people. Noem hasn't worn that costume yet. The Rolex, even a fake one plated with titanium nitride, is too much.
In all fairness, the news said that she was planning to treat the bunch of relatives she came with, to the restaurant meal. That's what she needed the cash for. How disappointing for her that her plans went awry.
A new dog?
Lost her passport? Undocumented. Put her on a plane to El Salvador before some lefty lawyer foolishly insists on her right to due process.
her Secret Service detail doesn't care . . ? Just a thought.
The proverbial blind eye?
See my post 🤐
She can't secure her own purse yet in charge of homeland security. So competent!
LOL . . . wonder if anyone thought that when they printed the story . . . looking for sympathy for her, when, in fact, it just reinforces the incompetence in the administration (but you're the "boss", Petey!)
The SS agent "stole" it. 🤐Makes for a good story, and maybe they are setting her up? I see another Andy post coming soon ...
they were staring at her legs
Probably too busy trying to srounge a free meal (part of DOGE, y'know).
And where was her gun?
My first thought. Where were they?
That question struck me too.
Who carries 3k on a normal day? Wait she never has normal days. Abnormal day.
Does a Rolex always tell a good time?
She is another grifter. This incident is an example of insurance fraud.
Why would anyone carry that kind of money in their purse? A drug deal? Seriously, everywhere takes cards, or digital payment.
She probably didn't want to pay the 3% surcharge for using a credit card at the restaurant. I think it's hysterical that the Metropolitan police referred questions to the Secret Service who then referred back to Homeland Security. Wait, isn't she in charge of that?! And the tapes showed a white man in a medical mask taking her handbag.
Thank goodness it wasn't a dog.
Does she still have a dog??!! If she has a dog, I hope someone can kidnap it ASAP for it's own safety!
Definitely a case of "Who's on first"?
Probably on her way to another Botox appointment
Either way, I don’t think she has to worry about money. She has been selling autographed copies of the iconic image of her in the prison in El Salvador. She has also become a brand ambassador for Rolex.
and Smith & Wesson... but not the ASPCA
Another reason to never waste my money on a Rolex.
$3000 cash.
And the $50K Rolex appears to have risen dramatically in value also
SHAME on Rolex, if the reason for their price increase is because of Kristi Noem’s insatiable appetite to sell herself any way she can. Hence belittling herself by selling photos inside CECOT with incarcerated men behind her. Greed is a sickness. (Could the price increase for Rolex be due to tariff adjustment?)
I don’t think Rolex actually raised the price- I was commenting on how increasingly fantastical and innacurate News stories become when exposed to the Interweb
Much more interesting, I wonder if her puffed up lips will eventually burst, for they look a little fragile.
The future Mrs. Hegseth IV
Kim Jong asking Mrs Hegseth for the name of Pete’s hairspray
At age 44, Hegseth has been married 3 times and has 7 kids. Elon Musk has had five+ marriages/"relationships" that has netted 10 living children from 3 official wives. Trump has 5 kids with 3 wives. 22 kids, trump's 10 grands + 11 ex/current wives is enough for a "friends and family" shared national Signal Chat. I'll bet those kiddos (young and old) would have a blast playing with the nuclear buttons (like the old Staples commercials "That was Easy"!) and real life command over the military . . . nothing like true reality games to build character.
Imagine the July 4th pot luck!
LOL . . . the Staples "Easy" button . . . love it!
Sluts all.
Some of Elon’s marriages / relationships are running concurrently. Also news stories always report his number of “known” children. Very strange guy.
RFK, Jr. and his famous wife surely don't want to be left out of this shit. And of course, don't forget old Jack Daniels.
Dan - We saw recently that orange man does not like Kennedy's wife, Cheryl Hines (Curb Your Enthusiasm) - he passed over her in a receiving line. The reaction on her face indicated that she was aware that he was purposely ignoring her.
Cheryl must have caught her husband’s brain worm in order to stay married to him. I wonder what her current conversations with Larry David are like.
Babydoc - I so agree with your comments. I wonder if she is still friends with critically thinking individuals after being married to RFK, Jr.
It's the free PR.
Apparently, she's not Donny Boy's type. Mine neither for that matter.
Me either. I loathe her. The Schadenfreude when he ghosted her as she put her hand out. She turned red as a beet. But he's done it to Tiffany too. She was on line at the RNC and when she went to kiss him he pushed her away when he noticed she wasn't Ivanka (he must be too vain for glasses or contacts because he thought E Jean Carroll was Marla.😂).
Keep in mind the damage to his eyes when he was too special for the eclipse glasses. Of course he is not 20/20. In any sense.
Wish that was his blood pressure.
Good one, Robin!
Omg, Robin. Off the charts!
She's too old for his tastes.
Melania is only 5 years younger but Cheryl can't say yes in 5 languages so there's that...
Do you suppose Melanie ever really says yes? Or is that just something the orange turd imagines?
No, at this point she's pay-for-play. She negotiated a 3rd probably iron clad post nup. I'm sure #1 is she never has to look at or touch it/him again as long as she's available for state banquets, dead president or first lady funerals, and if he throws her some extra crypto maybe she'll show up for a wedding or bar mitzvah (except for Tiffany's baby shower because she has zero fucks to give)!
Like he imagines "Yes, darling, it was good for me too"?
Fabulous. You’re on a roll.
If I wasn't already a paid subscriber, I would pay now. ROTFLOL.
Thanks for subscribing once!
Kicking off into high season in the Uffizi, Andy. Need my TBR baseball cap.
Well, Zelenskyy obviously, as that way he'd know just when the administration will ditch support for Ukraine.
Ginni Thomas
Oh I hate her and Clarence. Why hasn’t Clarence been mentioned as a quisling? Sorry that’s a different Substack. I’m confusing myself. Too many bad guys out there and good news platforms. But Clarence had to have been in the loop. Or is he too deaf? He was deaf to Anita. He is deaf to any humanitarian issue. Oy!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Nobody in their right mind.
I am snorting. Thank you!
You got that right.