243 Comments
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E. Jean Carroll's avatar

You are excellent, Andy, at the ways money can be spent.

This is why I have appointed you to the Cabinet of Dispersal. You will help me make Trump very very very mad by giving the $83.3 million to things he HATES.

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

An honor!!

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The BobCaster's avatar

I expect he will try to sell the White House to raise the cash.

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Cindy's avatar

👍👏 Any plans for an e-book? I live very far away for posting plus I can carry MANY books on my tablet to read and re-read wherever I am 🫂

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Frau Katze's avatar

Ebook available on Amazon. I hate giving them business but ebooks are a must for me.

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David's avatar

Me, too. The termites here W. Africa) tend to eat real books!

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David's avatar

Jean, the NGO i run in West Africa (West Africa Medicine & Education) can always use a hand. And there are other outfits here doing excellent, selfless work: Gambia Rising, Tostan, Power Up Gambia, and We Care Solar. If you ever see that deadbeat pay up anything, keep us in mind. Dr. David Levine, Kafountine, Senegal

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Frau Katze's avatar

Bought it.

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Robot Bender's avatar

(Applauding)

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Michele White's avatar

I bought her book and read in one day! Amazing!!!

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Bob Graham's avatar

the $100 million Donald Trump owes her.

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Bob Graham's avatar

Quoted the above. The chance of her getting $100 million from Trumpie is probably close to zero. He pays only when there’s no escape and he retains a squad of lawyers.

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Dorothy G Ferguson's avatar

He also retained no money until Musk put him on the teat. Now that Musk is out, that money will be gone, too.

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Andrew Rodwin's avatar

Just bought a copy! And on my fave online bookstorem bookshop.org ... since I blew up my Amazon prime membership earlier this year. Thanks Andy for the recommendation!!!

(Would love to see a Borowitz community campaign to urge all members to blow up their Amazon Prime memberships!)

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Joan Schiavi's avatar

Never had one, never will.

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Frau Katze's avatar

Some of us prefer ebooks for various reasons. My reasons are good (long story).

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Andrew Rodwin's avatar

Fortunately, you can get ebooks on bookshop.org (the site Andy recommended, which directs revenues back to bookstores).

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Frau Katze's avatar

I didn’t see them but I’ll check again.

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Mimi's avatar

Done!

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BTAM Master's avatar

"Iran’s nuclear sites got bombed on Saturday night, and trust me, I know what that feels like."

You win the Internet for the day!

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Edward Jay Allan's avatar

Not just the day, Internet for the Week. Hegseth should share this commendation on his next Signal podcast.

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BTAM Master's avatar

I wonder who has a bigger audience: Andy on Substack or Pete on Signal.

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Andy Borowitz's avatar

Pete

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Sandra Nicht's avatar

mostly people mining him for classified intel and/or great quotes to make fun of (and yet he blames DEMOCRATS for leaks with zero irony working for a boss who stole classified documents and stored them in his shitty bathroom which no media outlet seems to remember)

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Barry Blue's avatar

And which he’s still hawking to the highest bidder…

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Sandra Nicht's avatar

yep. regime change begins at home. ICE is now killing Canadian citizens held in their shitty concentration camps.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Andy, I always thought you told the truth?

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BTAM Master's avatar

He does. Pete has a bigly following in the Kremlin, whereas Andy's been banned.

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Susan Stone's avatar

Thank you for the correction! Foolish me never thought about the Kremlin. IMO, Andy can be proud of being banned by the Kremlin.

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

He only quotes the truth as well.

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Susan Stone's avatar

I stand corrected! Thank you for the reminder.

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Ellen From NJ's avatar

So great that we can rely on Andy!!

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Bob Graham's avatar

So if he really knows how it feels, how is he still walking around?

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MLK's avatar

Kegsbreath has been desensitized due to regular exposure. Maybe with a higher dose of self-bombing he'll be incapacitated.

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Frau Katze's avatar

Drunks develop a tolerance.

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Joan Shapiro's avatar

Great writers write great puns!

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M.E. Lawrence's avatar

We can only hope so, Mr. Secretary.

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

E. Jean writes prose with savoir-faire,

While Donald leaks methane everywhere.

“Not My Type” is fun, and real;

Not vapid crap like “The Art of the Deal”.

How good to see wit be thus rewarded

In a week where Trump’s been

Thumped and thwarted.

Number 2 at the NYT, now certain,

While the MAGA mob’s looking bruised and hurtin’.

Trump is bombing in more ways than one,

E. Jean Carroll’s work has just begun.

Keep on laughing, Jean, with some Trump trash-talking.

He can’t stand the truth, even less

the mocking.

And watch his orange face turn more reptilian

Surrendering over 83 million.

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

I agree. I want to see DJT’s whole face turn vermilion. “Reptilian” is unnecessarily offensive to cold-blooded creatures that ignore their offspring.

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MLK's avatar

Dump only ignores 4 offspring. He wants to shtup the other one.

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

God know’s what he’s taught her

How often he’s sought her

I insist that her mother did care.

But she rests on a golf course

And every news source

Claims she tragically fell down the stairs.

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

No huppah, no stuppah the old saying goes.

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MLK's avatar

Fabulous, Glenn. Dump may have to underfo circumcision to make it kosher. (You can choose the “it.”)

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

Donald’s small membrum virile,

From which I recoil,

Would not grow more attractive

Once clipped by the mohel.

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MLK's avatar

Mazel tov, Glenn! You've won for greatest rhyme scheme ever.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

The Art of the Deal-Tony Schwartz’s biggest life regret!

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

E. Jean Carrol will author more fine bestsellers,

Sought out by me and Herr Ehrenzeller.

And some millions of others, all in Jean’s thrall,

Seeking her works at their home bookstall.

And poor Mr. Schwartz - how could he ever know,

That this shonda will follow wherever he’d go.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Shonda say it all!

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Elaine Young's avatar

Yes and he got screwed out of the royalties too!

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

Schwartz was screwed out of royalties? I’m shocked.

Lie down with dogs and acquire fleas.

Lie down with Trump and get STD’s.

Trump’s offspring, who were once tabloid staples

Still get in print, even Marla Maples’.

Mr. Schwartz could ghost-write a tell-all tome, called “The Many Costumes of Krist Noem”.

He’d recoup advances, and lots more cash,

Doing lurid books of Trump cabinet trash.

Some are fuckwits, or cretins, they’re all flaming losers,

Like “Warfighter” Hegseth, degenerate boozer.

Tony Schwartz, the schlemiel

Who wrote “Art of the Deal”

Regrets deeply his boosting of Trump.

He gets kicks in the tuchus

For the way that he took us.

And “tuchus” is Yiddish for “rump”.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

Trump has avoided paying anyone he owes money to from birth!

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Al Keim's avatar

You could wedge a vermillion in there somewheres.

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

It took place in a space you can rent for a million;

Ivana and Jared put on a Cotillion.

There was Champagne and oysters

There were huge jumbo prawns

It was all copacetic, and then, just at dawn,

A gang of ICE agents appeared on the lawn.

There were pot-bellied ICE men with figures like cops

Who keep answering calls at nearby doughnut shops.

There were ICE men with sinister bandanna masks,

In sinister silence, doing sinister tasks.

The Kushners exhibited shock and dismay

As the whole catering team was then taken away.

Now Jared, cool-headed, avoided the panic:

“ The people they’re taking are mostly Hispanic!”

This was true, but bad news for short Rubio, Marco,

Who was zip-tied and bound like a Mexican narco.

Also bad: ICE men, treating royal Saudis as common

Putting handcuffs on princely

Mohammed Bin Salman.

It is feared that some guests had been taken away

To the tropical shores of Guantanamo Bay.

Stormy tells us that POTUS is

Flaccid and limp

He can serve up the lobster tail,

Oysters and shrimp.

But the darker-toned guests

May still end up in stir

When the ICE man cometh,

The whites preferred.

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KEVIN and HEATHER BRIGGS's avatar

GEP, your poems are terrific, don’t stop ever!

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Marmo's avatar

Another GREAT one, Glenn Ebo Perry! THANK YOU. Loved it.

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Glenn Ebo Perry's avatar

We Stackers have a fine rapport!

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Altamama2's avatar

Love this! Will there be a slim volume somewhere in your future? At this rate you could knock one off in a fortnight!

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Joseph T. Babcock's avatar

E. Jean Carroll you are a hero of mine and I just bought your book which will be most entertaining. But most important you stood up to the clown and won over and over again after he molested you in dressing room. Thank you for your courage.

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Octavia Redwood's avatar

I'm halfway through it; she is a talented writer with tons of endearing character traits. It's also deeply disturbing, not only Trump's actions on that day, but the brutally heavy hand she faced-attorneys, the media, Trump's machine and his drooling rabid dogs(where's Kristi when you need her?)questioning her with the world watching how an 80 year old woman would react to being called a liar and a slut. She faced the spotlight, the endless skepticism, the thousands of jokes and comments all over the media-and if you have ever been assaulted or the victim of untrue gossip, the book can be triggering. Still, I feel so much gratitude to her for her spot-on observations, general awareness and her interesting, thoughtful conclusions.The lived experience of being publicly humiliated changes a human being forever.

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KEVIN and HEATHER BRIGGS's avatar

Why only 2 replies, this is an excellent review of Ms Carrol’s book?

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E. Jean Carroll's avatar

I PERSONALLY adored it, Kevin and Heather!

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KEVIN and HEATHER BRIGGS's avatar

I write this not my husband, he’s a liberal retired scientist and reads but refuses to comment (irksome, to say the least). Perhaps all the papers he wrote for journals and meetings has something to do with it.

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shee-rah's avatar

And now, with her book a bestseller, she gets the last laugh.

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E. Jean Carroll's avatar

Thank you, Octavia!

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Stephen Brady's avatar

I root for every little irritation and stressor delivered to the Donold. Sooner or later one of them is going to be a straw too many.

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LHS's avatar

I saw a sign from an anti-Trump protest. I had a drawing of a hamburger and fries, with the caption: "Cholesterol, do your job!".

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Maureen F. O'Brien's avatar

That's my favorite. I've shared it with lots of people who intend to use it at the next march.

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DebbieM (OH)'s avatar

Fingers crossed.

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Phil M.'s avatar

Donold and Pete Pigseth. What a team. Their crash and burn will be glorious.

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M Seits's avatar

Yes! It’s bound to happen!!

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KEVIN and HEATHER BRIGGS's avatar

Alas, not soon enough for our country or my health!

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T L Mills's avatar

I keep hoping...with fingers crossed!

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Barbara Carter's avatar

OMG the Pete Hegseth joke, I about spit out my coffee here at 4:23AM in Los Angeles. Thank you for making my morning fun again!

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LHS's avatar

Better than snorting it through your nose. 😂

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Barbara Carter's avatar

Bwah hahah!

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Michael L Flynn's avatar

Perhaps Andy could start selling caps saying, "Make America Fun Again" or "MAFA". But, unlike MAGA crap, they would be made in America by Americans.

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Diane Davis's avatar

Thinking about sending a gift copy to the Oval Office. Nah, he doesn't read anyway.

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Bobbie75's avatar

Maybe she should send a personally autographed copy. 🤣

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J Cheng's avatar

no! He would try and grift her original signature! Or worse, claim whatever happened was consensual since she obviously likes him as evidenced by a gift of her personally autographed book..........

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Elaine Young's avatar

Or claim that he actually wrote it!

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E. Jean Carroll's avatar

Har!!!!

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Bobbie75's avatar

Or sue her for stalking him. 🙄

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LHS's avatar

Or sic Pam Bondi on her. 😒

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shee-rah's avatar

Oh no! Not Ice Barbie!

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T L Mills's avatar

I don't think Lie-vitt can read either. She certainly can't think.

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Vicki Bacal's avatar

But maybe Melanoma does! 📖

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Marmo's avatar

There's a great idea, Vicki Bacal - send copies to Melaria. She can read about "men just being men" and "locker room talk" that she claims is not more than cute behavior. (But, no signatures - J Cheng makes good points about the dangers.)

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Marmo's avatar

You got that right, Diane Davis. Dump is too lazy to read even if he knew how.

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Cindy La Ferle's avatar

I'm glad you mentioned avoiding Amazon. After what Jeff Bezos did to The Washington Post, among other things, I'm avoiding it too. Independent bookstores need our support.

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Billsburg's avatar

Hopefully seeing pictures of his pre-wedding “foam” party 🙄 and reading that his “wedding” is going to cost $60 million 😳, people will be convinced to avoid Amazon like the bubonic plague.

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Cindy La Ferle's avatar

OMG, I didn't hear about the "foam" party. I can only imagine ...

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Bobbie75's avatar

Since it was her son’s birthday, not clear if it was for him or them.

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Billsburg's avatar

Her youngest child is what? 19? Ok...let's say it was for him. That's would be the point...it's for him not them, right? It was just another chance for her to wear her teeny weeny bikini for the paparazzi. And sorry for the pearl clutching but I'm really tired of supposedly adult, mature men acting like 13 year old boys and selling their souls for another bazillion dollars. This guy, in particular, is a real turkey.

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Bobbie75's avatar

A**hole.

After he gave up his job and moved across country to pursue his dream, Mackenzie not only wrote the business plan, she and her parents underwrote Amazon with their savings. She was co-founder and worked at his side for three years till she got pregnant. She gave him 4 children and 25 years.

He not only took all of the credit, he got caught sending dick picks to the younger version he was cheating with. All of America watched her get humiliated, and only 25% of the company she helped make happen.

So now, to further humiliate her, he is holding a very public 3 day extravagant wedding.

I am Amazed by Mackenzie’s focus on donating the money to charity.

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LHS's avatar

Yep. Haven't bought a thing on Amazon in many months.

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Al Keim's avatar

It's better than throwing your money in a canal.

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Kate Decker's avatar

Great news! The book is on its way to # 1 ! My copy of E Jean Carroll's book is on order from a small bookshop in Asheville NC. Andy's interview video with her is not to be missed.

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Al Keim's avatar

Mine came from Ft. Wayne, Indiana. Is that where John was born?

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John Townsend's avatar

You mean John Wayne? He was born in Iowa, I believe.

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Kate Decker's avatar

Dont know, but interesting question.

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Kate, Parnassus? I don't know if it's a small shop.

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Kate Decker's avatar

I had a nice conversation with a young sounding woman there, but I have completely forgotten the name of the shop. I'll let you know when the book comes. (Parnassus would be an ideal name, in any case :-)

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

A phone order? I learned of the shop only a couple of years ago when I read an essay by Ann Patchett. She is a partner in the shop. The essay is "My Three Fathers," published in The New Yorker. It's about the roles of her father and two step-fathers in her life and growth. I loved it, feeling that I was watching her, an adult, continuing to grow up as she explored the relationships.

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Kate Decker's avatar

I think I read that article. I recall b&w photos of Patchett with two or three different men, ass standing facing the camera with her (at least that is what I recall) and I thought it a very interesting article.

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L. R. Abramson's avatar

Yes, that sounds right. I'd never read anything of hers and decided that I would. Finally grabbed a copy of Tom Lake at the library, but have yet to read it. It wasn't even a planned choice -- just happened to stand out on a shelf of books by women that I was walking by. I'll get to it. Borrowed Jennifer Egan's "A Visit from the Goon Squad," right next to it on that shelf, and that's what I opened first.

P.S. a few mins later -- We have some fun here. I've gotten a couple of "likes" from someone whose initials are "EJC." It's as exciting as a "like" from an "AB." Moreso because there is no rubber stamp showing on the screen.

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Kate Decker's avatar

Books tell us when they need t be read, I think :-)

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Irna Gadd's avatar

Your quote of the week is PERFECT 😂😂😂. I love all your new features - Book Club, caption contests, quote of the week - your creativity is endless!

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Pamela Tanton's avatar

I just finished the book and had the best time reading it. So strange to say that about the seriousness of a trial like this. But E. Jean sees the story in everything, and let’s be honest—the characters she had to work with gave her the best material ever, and she sure knew what to do with it. Now we can do our best to envision her getting that payment!

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Billsburg's avatar

Yes, Pete, but were you just bombed or completely obliterated?

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Al Keim's avatar

Blitzed

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Bobbie75's avatar

Love the quote of the day.

Glad Ms Carrol’s book is doing well. Pretty sure the gas bag will never pay her well deserved lawsuit so she deserves every $.

Just waiting for him to try to sue her for defaming him. 🤣 He will defame her again and deny it ever happened.

Because one thing he believes: Trump is always right. And when trump is wrong, read the previous statement.

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Michael Stayton's avatar

The gas bag has already paid. In NY the courts made him put a bond to allow him to appeal. Once he loses all his appeals, she can go to the bondholder to collect her award. I do not know what arrangement he had with the bondholder, but that is not EJ's problem.

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Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

She said in the interview that the original settlement (1 million, I think) is in escrow and earning interest but the defamation suit is still going through the courts. That's the big ticket item. The Felon wants the SCOTUS to decide it. Hmmmm.

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Paul Ehrenzeller's avatar

If the enough of the 6 Supreme Court conservatives agree to even hear this case, it will be the final coffin nail on any credibility they might have once had. If Trump is ultimately forced to pay he will look for the Treasury Dept to pay or if that doesn’t work it will be paid from his Super PAC.

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Hollis's avatar

$5 million original settlement + $1m in interest = $6m. I'll bet her team will work good and hard to get it all. She and they deserve it.

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Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

Thanks Hollis--I couldn't remember the exact figure but I knew it was considerably less than was awarded her for the defamation suit.

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PVC's avatar

This was in the state courts. Not sure if he can appeal to SCOTUS.

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Bobbie75's avatar

I believe it is appealed on the basis that he was President when he defamed her and it was an official act.

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PVC's avatar
1dEdited

He will try and screw the bondholder (no pun intended, of course).

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jb from Weston's avatar

Of course, PVC.

Of course.

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Bobbie75's avatar

Only if he EVER loses on appeal.

Since he has even attempted to make the US responsible for his actions by saying he spoke as president (and thus was an official act) meaning the Supreme Court says he isn’t liable … pretty sure she won’t ever actually see the money.

Her intent is to give it to women’s causes …

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Linda Mitchell, KCMO's avatar

And LGBTQ+ and poor people . . .

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SUSAN M SCHLAG's avatar

Under all that sass and class and kick-ass demeanor is a very dear lady. Thanks for chatting with E. Jean, Andy!

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Gary Farrar's avatar

I have to disagree. People have been writing about and exposing Trump's despicable behavior for years. Absolutely no one on earth likes him, even his sycophants. Trying to shame Trump is a proven waste of time. For him, the publication of another book with him as the main character is like an extra packet of ketchup for his fries. Incredibly bad news for Trump would be ignoring him. Remove him from the news cycle. Stop paying attention to him. Stop feeding his ever expanding ego. Now that would be bad news for Trump.

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Mark Van Stone, Ph.D., G.F.'s avatar

Bravo, Gary,

If there were a Nobel Prize for self-absorption, DT would win that, tiny hands down.

I’d like to see some calligrapher produce such an award… in an ostentatious gold frame, of course! Maybe some highfalutin’ synonym for narcissism could be inserted, that would get past the censors, make it to his trophy wall, next to the Declaration of Independence…!

“It doesn’t matter what they say, as long as they’re talking about me.” It’s true for DT, n’est-ce pas?

He cannot be bothered to read even the Presidential Daily Briefing. But his wee-hours tweets suggests he *cannot resist* reading about himself. So maybe bad-mouthing him may be the best way to reach in and touch a nerve. …*Possibly* modify his thought processes…?

His creativity is limited to cooking up rude schoolyard names. *Every* attack on his critics is a projection of his own inadequacy. He is self-aware on that level at least, and *very* thin-skinned. This suggests he possesses a smidgen of shame… and that is his weak spot.

Keep it up, Andy, perhaps you’ll hit a jugular. (What was it that Ed Wynn said? “And now I will perform some juggling, accompanied by music in a jugular vein…”?)

(I’m of two minds about whether we should engage in his level of name-calling. On the one hand, most such nicknames are puerile (AutoCorrect suggests “prayer aisle”!) and embarrassing to our cause. On the other, that’s the language they speak; it’s fighting fire with fire. A clever, zinger nickname might just get under the skin of (he-has-the-)DT’s and the MAGAts…).

Is it Steve Schmidt who keeps hammering on DT’s four fixations? (Attention. Money. Sex. Sadism.) And he cannot *stand* to be humiliated.

These are his weaknesses. We can and should exploit them.

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John Townsend's avatar

--unless he reacts badly, does something stupid, pushes that red button!

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Paul's avatar

The world's first AI "Talking Head" photograph!

donOLD transmits thoughts thru the earpiece and Hogsbreath speaks

Very Bigly

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